Harry Potter and the Lifetime Supply of Toast
SPOILER WARNING!
PRIVET DRIVE
Dumbeldore:It's kind of ironic that this cigarette lighter TAKES AWAY light....hehe.
McGonagall:I've been watching these people all day. They SUCK.
Dumbledore:Want a lemon drop?
McGonagall:Excuse me?
Dumbledore:It's a Muggle candy, shaped and tastes like a lemon.
Lemon Drop:Haha I be all lemony at you.
McGonagall:That's lovely. Where's the kid?
Dumbledore:Hagrid's bringing him.
McGonagall:Why'd you let HIM of ALL PEOPLE bring the kid?
Dumbledore:I would trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall:But what about what happened 50 years ago?
Dumbledore: Shhh we don't get to that until next book. And besides, it's 39 years ago. Glad to see Arithmancy classes worked out for you.
Hagrid:*arrives on Sirius's motorcycle*Hi. I'm Hagrid. No, I don't need a haircut.
McGonagall:....
Dumbledore:Hagrid, this isn't Harry. This is a potato with a pair of aviators on and a lightning bolt scar drawn on it with lipstick.
Hagrid:....Oh, snap.
McGonagall:Trust him with your life, eh?
Dumbledore:Shut up.
Hagrid:*reaches in coat pocket* Ah, here's the kid.
McGonagall:You didn't sit on him did you?
Hagrid:Nope. I think....
They:*leave Harry on doorstep*
Hagrid:*cries*
Dumbledore:Don't worry Hagrid. He's just going to live with totally abusive relatives for a good part of his life, then you get to come back and scare the crap out of the Dursleys' and make their son grow a tail!
Hagrid: Heck yes!
Dumbledore:Good luck, Harry Potter.
11 YEARS LATER
Petunia:GET UP POTTER! TODAY IS AN IMPORTANT DAY!
Dudley:*smirk*
Petunia:It's Dudley's birthday, for those of you who don't read the books.
Dudley:*smug smirk*
Harry:Oh, joy.
DURSLEY KITCHEN
Dudley:How many are there?
Vernon:2376.
Dudley:THAT'S 478 LESS THAN LAST YEAR!
Vernon:SCREW LAST YEAR!
Dudley:DIE! *lunges at Vernon*
Harry:This is highly amusing.
Vernon and Dudley:*have a cat-fight in the background*
ZOO
Dudley:Make the snake move.
Vernon:Move!
Snake:*blinkity*
Dudley:You suck. *leaves*
Harry:*to snake* This must suck big time.
Snake:Tell me about it.
Harry:o.0
Snake:*blinkity*
Harry:*makes glass disappear*
Dudley:*falls in water*
Harry:Baby killer whales do need water to survive, don't they?
Snake:Thankssssssss.
Harry:Any time!
Glass:*reseals*
Vernon:You! You did this!
Harry:What makes you so sure...?
Vernon:You're just sitting there laughing your butt off.
Harry:Well, if you were in my shoes, you'd be laughing your butt off too!
Vernon:Death!
Harry:Ah!
DURSLEY HOME
Harry:*is grounded forever*
Vernon:Get the mail Dudley.
Dudley:Make Harry get it.
Vernon:Get the mail Harry.
Harry:Make Dudley get it.
Vernon:Poke him with your Smeltings stick Dudley.
Harry: Fine! Make me do everything around here....*indistinct mumbling and cursing*
Owl:Here's your Hogwarts letter. Enjoy.
Harry:Okay...
Dudley:HARRY GOT A LETTER!
Harry:Am I going to jail now..?
Vernon:Possibly. Depends on what the letter is about. If it is about a free sample of soap, you can keep it. If it's something like a Hogwarts letter...
Harry: A what?
Vernon:*rapid coughing* Nothing. I said nothing! *rapid cough*
Harry....
Vernon:Crap, it's a Hogwarts-I mean....a lifetime supply of.....toast. Toast sucks so you don't want it. *throws letter in fire*
Harry:....But, I like toast....
Letter:Burn, baby, burn!
SOME SUNDAY OR ANOTHER
Vernon:*random outbursts of Cabbage Patching*
Harry:....
Petunia:....
Dudley:....
Vernon:What? There's no post today!
Letter:*floats down slowly then smacks Vernon in the face*
Vernon:....I stand corrected.
Letters:*fill up the entire house*
Vernon:We are so leaving this house now.
Dursleys and Harry:*evacuate*
Neighbors:Since when do owls come out during the day?
RANDOM HOUSE ON SOME ROCKS
Dudley:It's such a good thing that we conveniently own a random cottage in the middle of this vast ocean. Or lake. Whatever.
Vernon:It sucks that it's raining though.
Petunia:Yep.
Harry:....
11:59 PM
Harry:Make a wish.
Hagrid:*Knocks down door*
Dudley:Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door.....
Vernon:They never mentioned this in the song....
Harry:*hides like a coward*
Hagrid:It's been a while since I saw you Harry.....Good God, you're fat.
Dudley:Hey!
Harry:He's not Harry. I am.
Hagrid. Oh, reeeeally? Glad to see you've become an Einstein.
Harry:-.-
Hagrid:*gives Harry the squished cake*
Harry:Ew...I mean who the heck are you anyway?
Hagrid:I am Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts.
Harry:What's Pigpimples?
Hagrid:HOGWARTS. And Dursley, you didn't tell him ANYTHING!?!?!
Vernon:Obviously not.
Hagrid:Roar!
Vernon:Ah!
Hagrid:Oh, and Harry, I forgot. You're a wizard. *attacks Vernon*
Harry: I'm a WHAT?!?!
Hagrid:Wizard! You know....Gandalf....Merlin....Dude that does magic....
Harry:NO....WAY....
THE GHETTO AREA OF LONDON
Hagrid and Harry:*walk into Leaky Cauldron*
Tom:Hagrid! And friend! Hagrid, do you want the usual?
Hagrid:Nope. I don't get drunk in the presence of someone under 8.
Harry:I'm 11.
Hagrid:Whatever.
Harry:-.-
Hagrid and Harry:*leave out the back door*
Harry:*stares at brick wall* Not like this isn't fun, but I should be getting back to the Dursleys'. They probably need me to clean up the cottage floor with my tongue or something....
Hagrid:Shut up. Something magicallyish and cool will happen in a second...wait for it.....still waiting....*hums*....
Harry:....
Hagrid:*pokes bricks*
Bricks:*open magically and coolly*
Hagrid:Told ya.
Harry:Sweet.
Diagon Alley:*is revealed to them*
Harry:*points to Gringotts* Is that like...the White House of the Wizarding World?
Hagrid:Naw, it's just the bank.
Harry:So you're saying that there is only ONE bank in the Wizarding World?
Hagrid:Probably.
Harry:Yet there are three on every corner in America?
Hagrid:'Bout right.
Harry:Wow.
Hagrid:....
INSIDE GRINGOTTS
Goblins:Everyone and everything suck pillows.
Hagrid:Er...got the key somewhere....*takes randomized items out of his pockets including: A pink pen....A Kit-Kat.....Blue Sticky Notes.....Yoda....Snow globe....etc.*
Harry:....
Hagrid:*takes out key* Aha! Got it!
Goblin:Good job, Sherlock.
Harry and Hagrid:*taken down to Harry's vault*
Goblin:Open sesame? Uh...There's no place like home?...
Hagrid:*hands Goblin the key*
Goblin:....Oh.
Door:*opens*
Harry:Holy-
Hagrid:Good God, you're rich!
Harry:*takes one-fourth of the money*
Hagrid:*gets 'package' from vault 713*
Goblin:How old are you anyways kid? What...7? 8?
Harry:-.-
OLIVANDER'S
Harry:*walks around aimlessly*
Olivander:*flies around on ladder* YAAAAY WHEEE!
Harry:....
Olivander:I never thought I'd be meeting you Harry.
Harry:So, what, are we on first name basis now or something?
Olivander:I guess.....You can call me Olivander.
Harry:But isn't that your last name?
Olivander:....No.....
Harry:O.o
Olivander:What are you doing here?
Harry:Buying a wand....
Olivander:But this is a chocolate factory. We don't make wands here.
Harry:....
Olivander:Leave before you make me go ninja on your a*s.
Harry:*walks towards door*
Olivander:So, like I was saying, we really need to get a service bell in here. I never hear anyone come in and when I see them it's like......"BAMF".
Harry:Can I please get a wand?
Olivander:Sure.
Harry:Can I please get one that makes my hair poof out?
Olivander:Sure! *walks over to a shelf labeled 'wands that make your hair poof out'*Ah, here's one.
Harry's hair:*POOF!!*
Harry:I'll take it.
Olivander:200 Galleons please.
Harry:....What the? Ah, well. *pays up* *leaves*
Olivander:Thank you for visiting my chocolate factory! Come back soon!
SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE
Hagrid:To show how much I love you, here's a stuck-up, snobby, pain-in-the-butt owl.
Harry:Thank you?
Hagrid:Yeah, whatever. Now it is time for you to go back to the Dursleys', no matter how much you hate them.
Harry:I-...but-...and the-....with the-...
Hagrid:BYE!
Harry:*indistinct grumbling and swearing*
SEPTEMBER FIRST
Harry:Do do doo...I am lost....La la laaa....
Red-headed family:*walk and talk loudly about Muggles*
Harry:Let's see who the first family accused of blowing the wizard secret is! *follows*
Percy:*walks through wall*
Harry:Oh my God, he walked through that wall!
Gred and Forge:*ditto*
Harry:Oh my God they did it too!
Molly:First year?
Harry:How'd you know?
Molly:I can tell by the look of fear mixed with fascination on your face. Also, you look 8.
Harry:-.-
Molly:Yeah...first year....I remember it like it was yesterday...
Ronald:Yesterday must have been ages ago in that case....
Molly:*smacks Ron in the back of the head*
Ron:OW! What did I do?!?!
Molly:THROUGH THE BARRIER WITH YOU!
THROUGH THE BARRIER WITH THEM
Harry:*is alone and bored*Lonely...I am so lonely....I have nobody.....nobody at ALLL!
Ron:Can I sit here?
Harry:Yeah.
Ron:*SQUEE*
Harry:Who the heck are you, anyway?
Ron:I'm Roonil Wazlib. Oh wait. That's not until the sixth book. I'm Ron Weasley.
Harry:I'm Harry Potter.
Ron:Oh my God, you're Harry Potter! *bows down*
Harry:....
Lady O Delicious Treats:Look, do you want snacks or not? I'm not very enthusiastic about this job at all.
Harry:Then why do you work here?
Lady O Delicious Treats:Because...I'm...a..SQUIB! *runs off crying*
Ron:Great magic trick Harry...you made my chance of getting some decent food around here disappear!
Harry:Sorry.
Hermione:Hi. I'm Hermione Granger. You'd better get used to my snobbish comments and intelligent personality because I'll be saving your butts about three times in the next semester.
Ron:I can feel the 'soul mates for life' vibes starting already...
Hermione:Well, we're arriving soon. I'd change if I were you.
Harry:Let's change.
Ron:Okay.
HOGWARTS
Hagrid:Don't put stupid looks on your faces right now!! We're about to go over a huge waterfall and they take your picture halfway to the bottom!! Smile big and don't puke!
Kids:*ROWROWROWYOURBOAT*
McGonagall:Welcome to Hogwarts. The Sorting will take place momentarily.
Hagrid:Can I leave?
McGonagall:I guess, but remember, you get paid by the word.
Hagrid:In that case....BLAH BLAH BLAH YADDA YADDA YADDA LA LA LA MWAH GUH SQUEE!
Everyone:....
Hagrid:Pay up!
Liz:In your dreams.
Hagrid:*pout*
GREAT HALL
First years:*are all stared at*
Hermione:Oh my God. Deep breaths..deep breaths...
Ron:Stop freaking Hermione. As being the main trio, we'll all get put in the same house. Right, J.K.?
J.K:*wards off fans*I'M ALMOST DONE WITH BOOK SEVEN, I SWEAR!
Ron:....Okay, never mind.
Sorting Hat:*sorts*
First years:*are in their houses*
Dumbledore:If you don't want to die a sucky death, I suggest staying away from the third floor corridor and the Forbidden Forest. I mean, come on people! It's name is forbidden!
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Potions class
Snape:I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper....in death. And how to score with hot babes.
Malfoy:F'ing sweet.
Snape:The first potion we will learn is the sleeping potion.
Hermione:Are you going to teach us how to make enchanting pharmaceuticals all year, or are we actually going to make useful concoctions?
Snape:Potter!
Harry:I DIDN'T DO IT! RON MADE ME DO IT!
Ron: FRED AND/OR GEORGE MADE ME DO IT!
Snape:No, you morons. You aren't in trouble.
Harry and Ron:Oh Okay. Got it.
Snape:Now, let us try that line again. Potter!
Harry:THE MUGGLES MADE ME DO IT!
Snape:*face-table repeatedly*
BROOMSTICK TRAINING
Madame Hooch:Right hand over broom and say up.
Hermione:Up! *NOTHINGHAPPENS*
Ron:Up! *GETSSMAKEDINTHEFACE*
Harry:*LOL*
Ron:*GLARE*
Harry:Up! *UP!*
Draco:....
Neville:*WHOOSH!*
Draco:*EVILLAUGH*
Neville:*CRACK*
Draco:*STEAL*
Harry:*FLY*
Remembrall:*PLUMMET*
Harry:*DIVEDIVEDIVE*
Crowd:*CHEER*
Harry:*CATCH*
McGonagall:POTTER!
Harry:*DEATH*
Draco:*SMIRK*
Harry:*SEEKER*
Oliver:*SQUEE*
McGonagall:....
GREAT HALL: NEXT DAY
Draco:...why must all of my evil plans be foiled by idiots?
Harry:I'll kick your butt.
Draco:You. Me. Midnight Duel.
Harry:Mkay.
Ron:What time do we need to be there by?
Draco:*sigh*Three o'clock in the morning.
Harry:Moron.
Ron:Midnight Duel means..be there....at...okay, I got it. What do we need to bring?
Harry and Draco:*facetable*
11:30 ISH THAT NIGHT
Hermione:Ah em.
Harry and Ron:Oh crap.
Hermione:Just WHERE are you two going?
Ron:To the Trophy Room so we can kick Malfoy's rich arse.
Harry:Shut up! She'll never leave us alone!
Hermione:Wait...did you say, "Kick Malfoy's rich are"?
Ron:Yeah...why?
Hermione:I'm coming too.
Harry:Smooth move, Ronald.
TROPHY ROOM
Hermione:Oh, this figures.
Filch:I'll get you, my pretties, and your little owls too!
Ron:But I have a lazy rat...
Hermione:And I have no pet...
Filch:....Whatever. Just run to your eminent death, little kiddies.
Trio:Can do. *run into the third floor corridor*
Ron:Oh look. Cerberus.
Hermione: Wow, Ron, I'm surprised you know your Greek mythology.
Ron:Haha, yeah....Wait, that's Greek mythology?
Trio:AHHH!!! *run back to Common Room*
COMMON ROOM
Ron:....Yeah, never doing that again.
Hermione:You guys..*gasp*..are idiots.*gasp* Did you not notice..*gasp*..what it was standing on?
Harry:..Yeah, wasn't paying attention to its feet.
Hermione:You morons. It was standing on a trapdoor.
Harry and Ron:...So?
Hermione:It means it was guarding something.
Harry:....And you think we care because..?
Hermione:*sigh* Goodnight you morons.
GREAT HALL
Harry:Woah..I got a letter!
Letter:Dear Harry,
I love writing death scenes. *HINT HINT*
Lots of love,
JKR
Harry:Great. Just great.
Draco:*double take*What? I thought you guys were screwed over big time...
Harry:We thought so too...but we are world known champions at hide-and-go-seek.
Draco:..*eye twitch*
Ron:Look at the package. OF DOOM.
Harry:Dude...it's a broom.
Hermione:Look! There's a letter!
Letter:DO NOT OPEN THIS PACKAGE.
Harry:*opens anyway*
Package:*blows up*
Letter:I told you to not open me, retard muffin.
HALLOWEEN DAY: GREAT HALL
Quirell:Happy Halloween, little kiddies. By the way, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Everyone:*runs and panics*
Harry:Ron! Hermione doesn't know!
Ron:...So?
Harry:*drags Ron down corridors*
Ron:I can run by myself, thanks very much.
Heavy footsteps:*are heard*
Ron:Oh,no! It's Percy!
Harry:Ron, Percy doesn't weigh so much that he makes the corridor tremble when he walks.
Ron:That's what you think. He sat on me when I was three. He broke my finger....
Troll:Hehe...duuuuuuuhh.
Harry:This is going to be easy. Ron, do you know what this means?
Ron:TO THE BATCAVE, ROBIN!
Harry:....No..we get to be heroes and lock up the troll.
Ron:Well, that's a spirit killer.
GIRL'S BATHROOM
Hermione:*tearsnifflesobcry*
Troll:Duuuuuh. I shall attempt to kill small moving objects now.
Hermione:*hides in stall*
Liz:Oh, yeah. That is so going to protect you.
Ron:WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
Club:*floats*
Troll:...MOTHER-
Club:*falls and knocks out troll*
McGonagall:OH MY GOD!! Five points from Granger. Five points to each of the boys.
Ron:Ten points! Yay!
Snape:For those of you who can't do math,*stares pointedly at Ron* Gryffindor received five points.
Ron:I suck at math.
Liz:I think we all know that by now.
QUIDDITCH GAME VS. SLYTHERIN
Wood:Okay men.
Angelina:And women.
Wood:NO!
Team:.....
Wood:I mean.....look! A puppy!
Kick A*s Quidditch music:*begins*
Half of the Gryffindor Team:*is unconscious*
Warrington and Harry:*divedivedive*
Harry:*swallows* I'VE GOT THE SNITCH!
CHRISTMAS
Harry:Holy superfluous sea monkeys. I have presents?
Ron:Yeah! Ew. Maroon.
Harry:Sorry. Invisibility Cloak?
Ron:Yeah. It's exactly what its name says.
Harry:Sweet. I've always wanted to see what the girl's dormitory looked like.
Ron:Most likely, EXACTLY LIKE OURS. Buuut, you should use it to see who Nicholas Flamel is.
Harry:Good idea. See you later.
LIBRARY
Harry:Here, Nicky, Nicky, Nicky...
Voice in Book:Come to me..Let me rip you..Let me kill you...Oh wait. The inauspicious voices of horror don't appear till next year. Sorry kid. you don't get crazy until you turn twelve.
Harry:Awh...
Filch:WHO'S THERE?!??!
Harry:*narrowly dodges death*
MIRROR ROOM
Mirror:Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.
Everyone:Is that like Portuguese or something?
Harry:Looks like Latin..
Mirror:No. It's backwards:"I show not your face but your hearts desire."
Harry:Yep. Definitely Latin.
Lily:OH MY GOD! LOOK JAMES! IT'S HARRY!!
James:HARRY!
Harry:Mum? Dad?
Both:*nod*
Harry:*ogles*
Lily and James:..............................................................................
Lily:He's kinda freaking me out....
James:Good, I thought I was the only one.
Dumbledore:*comes out of the shadows* Hello Harry. I am going to kill you.
Harry:Oh my freaking God.
Dumbledore:You saw nothing?
Harry:Sure. What does this mirror do?
Dumbledore:It shows what we want. Whatever the freak we want.
Harry:I see my mum and dad. What about you?
Dumbledore:Socks.
Harry:.....
Dumbledore:Never come back here again. This mirror will be moved tomorrow.
Harry:Where's it going?
Dumbledore:Some place where you are bound to find it in the climax.
Harry:Alright.
HAGRID'S HUT
Hermione:Oh my god, you idiot! You've got a dragon in here???
Hagrid:....yes?
Hermione:*palmface*
Draco:I, the Slighly-(COMPLETELY)-Paler-Than-Golden Snitch shall get you kicked out of here for good using my persuasive, whiny, irritating, pimptastic power! *runs to McGonagall*
Trio:*run to castle*
DETENTION WITH HAGRID
Hagrid:Send up red sparks if you're hurt or you see some really scary crap.
Neville:*REDSPARKS*
Hagrid:Oh for the love of God. Harry, go with waffle toast for brains over here. Neville, come with me and Hermione.
Harry:Crap on toast.
Scary creature:*flies away*
Fans:Since when does Voldemort/Quirell fly?
Firenze:Uranus is bright tonight.
Harry:Oh my freaking God.
Firenze:The planet, pizza rolls for brains.
Harry:Oh.
3RD FLOOR CORRIDOR
Liz:Wow I skipped a lot. Good thing I'm not getting paid. Awh, damn, I'm not getting paid.
Fans:S'okay.
Ron:Yay, we get to go visit the gates of Hell. And the guard dog. *SARCASM*
Harry:*plays the flute*
1st head:Dude, you suck pillows.
2nd:Yeah. Take some lessons or SHUT UP.
3rd:TACOS!
Fluffy:ZZZZZzZzZzZZZ.....................z
DEVIL'S SNARE
Trio:*chokegaspdie*
Hermione:*gets sucked up into plants*
Harry and Ron:*FREAK OUT*
Hermione:Relax, you morons!
Ron:Oh, yeah, because it's sooo easy to relax when a plant is suffocating you.
WINGED KEY ROOM
Harry:Thank GOD I am the world's coolest Seeker. *catches key*
GIANT CHESS GAME ROOM
Ron:Er...do we have to join you to get across?
Chess piece:No. You've got to take off your clothes, go swimming in the lake, come back, drink a bottle of Motrin, do a gymnastics routine, then go eat the Giant Squid.
Ron:.....
Piece:Just kidding. Join us children.
Ron:I need to sacrifice myself.
Hermione*dies of sadness*
Harry:CHECKMATE!
King:*death song**falls over*
POTIONS ROOM
Potions:Drink us. Driiink us!
Harry:I bet Alice never had to put up with this crap.
Hermione:Don't worry. I'll figure this out soon.
Harry:Hermione, it has been seven hours. I'm hungry, and have to pee. Please hurry up just a tiny bit.
Hermione:I got it, you angsty little...*indistinct mumbling*
Harry:*looks at bottle* What did you do to it?*sniffs*
Hermione:Nothing! Just drink it and go!!
THE FINAL CHAMBER
Harry:Snape?
Ominous Voice:Nope. Keep guessing.
Harry:Brendon Urie?
Voice:So close.
Harry:Oh my God, it's my old girlfriend April!?!
Voice:No, you moron! It's me! Quirrel!
Harry:Carmen...?
Quirrel:*facewall* Whatever. Just give me the Stone.
Harry:Now, would that be a kidney stone or a Rolling Stone or what?
Quirrel:The Sorcerer's Stone.
Harry:Sorry, we're all sold out. Please try again tomorrow.
Voldemort:Let me talk to the moron.
Qurirrel:No, Master, I won't let you.
Voldemort:I know what you did last summer...
Quirrel:Well, duh, you were attached to the back of my head then too!
Voldemort:So...gimme the Stone.
Harry:NEVER!
Quirrel:DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
Harry:*super duper crumbly powers ACTIVATE!*
Quirrel:*dies*
Voldemort:*passes through Harry**makes him pass out*
HOUSE POINT CEREMONY
Dumbledore:Remember Cedric Diggory.
Cedric:What happened to me?
JKR:Nothing...*hides fourth book*
Dumbledore:Whoops. Ah em. 50 points to Granger cuz she's smart. 50 to Weasley cuz he rocks at chess. 60 for Potter cuz he beat the crap out of Voldemort. 10 for Longbottom cuz everyone feels bad for him. Liz:You can see where I start to get lazy and just want the thing to end.
Gryffindors:WE WON!! *PILE*
Draco: :[
TRAIN
Hagrid:I saved this until the day you left just to make you mad.
Harry:Thanks??
Hermione and Ron:Let's go.
Harry:I'm not going home. Not really.
The entire world:That was..the...WORST line....ever.
THE END.
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