I was dumped

about a girl who was dumped

On that cruelest night,
The rain that poured down
Like my tears that had fallen.
Your words struck like lightning
It hurts. A lot.

You told me that
We were never meant to be
That all this was just a cruel joke
Cupping my ears not wishing to listen anymore
I looked at you
Your face showing no emotions.

You whispered gently
That all along I was
A prize
That you had conquered
A toy
You had grown tired of playing
A fool
To have trusted your words

That night. The cruelest of all night
Tears streaked down my face
As I watched you go away
Never turning back

The very next day
I saw you approaching
Giving me that smirk
How you had go on without me
I gave a smile
But inside, I was crumbling.
Breaking into pieces

And when you turned around
I finally collapse on the floor
And thought of that night
The cruelest night of all
The night I was dumped

 

Author's Note

please don't be too harsh!

Reviews

[JenLyn]

Break ups are difficult and this is a sad poem. A little constructive criticism, in the first stanza you may want to change "hurts" to "hurt". In the third stanza, "

"That you had conquered
A toy
You had grown tired of playing
A fool
To have trusted your words"

In stead of "a fool" you could say "Had grown tired of playing with." Or "That you had conquered a toy I no longer brought you joy." And the last line "To have trusted your words." Needs something else with it, it sounds like an unfinished thought. The fifth and sixth stanzas:

"That night. The cruelest of all night
Tears streaked down my face
As I watched you go away
Never turning back

The very next day
I saw you approaching
Giving me that smirk
How you had go on without me
I gave a smile
But inside, I was crumbling." Maybe instead you could do something like this (it's only a suggestion to help you.)
That night. The cruelest of all
Tears streaked down my face
As I watched you walk away
When our love hit a wall

The next day
I saw you approach
Giving me that smirk
You knew it would work
I gave a smile back
But inside, my heart and soul
Was under attack
Breaking into pieces and as far as the last stanza goes, maybe you could try something like this.

When you turned around
I collapsed to the ground
and thought of that night
the night you let me down

I hope you don't think this was too harsh because that's not my intention at all. Like I said I know how difficult breakups can be but I just wanted to point out some ways to improve your writing. :)

[alison13]

this is a sad poem. every girl comes to a point were they have to let go of their love ones. only, it can be shown in different ways, and this one of the hardest way of letting go. it really hurts when you find out that you were just a trophy girlfriend and doesn't mean anything to him at all. i can feel the emotions in this poem. good wrike. keep up the good work. :)