I deserve the right kind of happiness

I deserve the right kind of happiness.

I have been thinking lately that I deserve the right kind of happiness. Well, everybody does. Difference is, it’s our choice to have one. The kind that your conscience would not bother you every damn waking moment of the day. Or the tranquil prayer at night before you go to sleep. 

Everytime I feel the evil that consumes me, I dismiss it. Ignoring the fact that I am in wrong- that what I am doing is way outside the line. Even though at times it makes me wanna hate myself. That I chose this. And if you ask me if it makes me happy I’ll say yes in a heartbeat. But often times I feel happy and in pain. Knowing that if it was me in HER shoes I would be devastated. That my belief in true love will forever be broken. 

To be honest I wanted to stop. Everytime I think about the relationship in general, I want it to end. I tell myself that “there are many fish in the sea.” Maybe one that I can proudly call mine. One that can be proud and shout to the world that I am also his. 

I understand that it’s also hard for him. That there are reasons why this happened. But these reasons will never be enough for my ever doubting mind. Not one promise he made. Not even solid words to hold on to or even make a false hope too. 

I want to believe that this will all get better. But in what kind of way? I don’t know. There is always somebody who will get hurt eventually. 

I think of you and her and it breaks me down inside. All of the memories you’ve built together. The future plans you’ve made. And that everyday you conquer what life throws at you. Together. 

I can never compete with that. Even if there’s no competition at all. Even if you say it’s different. I want to laugh at myself. How stupid my decisions are. How inconsiderate I may have been. I’ve come too far for this. And now I ask myself what’s next? 

 There may not have a next for you and me. And it was never an “us”. It’s always you and me. Isolated to each other. 

I worry that I am digging too much soil to bury myself in it. Might take too long to recover myself from the ground. That all the dirt will be plastered through my whole being leaving me with scars that I will carry forever. 

On a journey, it’s both challenging and exciting to be lost at some point. But you must always remember to get back on track and follow the right path.