Just Squeeze

Two men, two secrets

“Robert!,” I get a pat on the back from a large, strong hand, “it’s good to see you back.” “I’ve been gone less than a month Jason,” I respond, “come in.”  He bounds into the living room and begins to walk slowly along the carpet.

“Yes but life is never the same in your absence,” he says.

“Oh?”

“Oh yes,” he continues his slow pace, turning his head as if observing the expensive frames and objects that litter my living room, “people in this town are tasteless. They were born here and will stay here forever, they don’t know the world like you do.

“I thought you were close with the Smiths,” I say.

“I hate my neighbors, you know that. Nobody has an outlook quite like yours,” complimenting me as he has always been oddly quick to do on my return from trips, “and Deborah gets so depressed without you.”

“I’m sure she handles just fine without me,” I head towards the liquor cabinet, “drink?” He nods, “She has you to take care of her after all.” I start to rummage through cabinets looking for a certain brand. 

He words his response slow, as if something in my tone was putting him off, “I suppose…and where is she. Asleep?”

“Out,” My eyes still scan the cabinet and hands move bottles.

“Well everyone needs time away, not that you don’t get enough of that with work and all. What are you looking for?”

“Four Roses”

“What’s the occasion? Check the bottom left drawer.”

I open the bottom left drawer and sure enough, my search ends. “Lucky guess?” I say wondering at his knowledge of my belongings.

“I know you well, where you would keep important things.”

That you do, I think to myself as I pour the roses in two glass cups. I stride for Jason and sit across from him, he accepts the whiskey with a thanks. For a moment I sit, sip my whiskey and stare. I study his face, human brains have a way of filling in blanks, noticing things we’re used to but not seeing them.  Feminine lips were accompanied by light blue eyes and sandy blond hair. Jason had some soft features but they were placed on a masculine face, a strong jaw and tight check bones. Handsome, more so than myself. My face is plain, unruly black hair sits atop it. In all the time I’ve known him I have never felt jealous of his looks, he usually got more attention. But at the moment a feeling that I wouldn’t quite say is hate, for him bubbles inside me, makes my chest tight.

I notice his eyes circling the room, he’s not used to silence from me, I am often talkative and I am sure it is all he can do not to be uncomfortable. They rest on a sculpture on the mantle, unfamiliar to him. “This must be new,” he walks over to inspect it. He turns the carefully crafted piece in his hand, a naked human man with the ominous head of a monkey, “from Europe?”

“I always bring something back for Deborah from my trips. She loves it but this one’s for me," I say.

“Well it’s very…”

“Humans and primates share most of the same DNA, did you know that?”

“I did not.”

 “Humans are more animalistic than most believe Jason. We cover simple facts about us with ideas we think mean something.” I walk over and take the piece in my own hands. “Religion is meant to help us cope with death.  Do you want to know the purpose of marriage?”

“I don’t suppose the answer is because God decreed it?”

I ignore his humor. “It’s about jealousy, the way animals are jealous that is. Jealousy of sex really, when a person decides they want their partner to be exclusively with them, though not many truly want to be monogamous, they get married. Marriage doesn’t dissolve the sexual urges that cause us to be unfaithful, they just mask them. Humans are animals with big brains, Jason, big enough to think we’re not.”

“Something you learned on your trip.”

“You could say that,” I said placing the figure carefully back on the mantle.

“Robert did you…”
 

I chuckle, “no I didn’t have an affair on my wife.”
Jason’s face turns from close inspection to friendly admiration. “Ya know, that’s why I love you Robert. You’re a genius, an evil one but one all the same.”

 

 I try not to fall into his personality. Jason always had some weird attribute that made people like him, me especially. In truth he was the most important person in my life, save Deborah. Deborah, I’ve got to keep thinking of her. “I often call her when I’m away, Jason. But she doesn’t often answer. She’s never too busy, she doesn’t have to work.”

“Well she keeps herself busy while your e away, you know her.”

“Not as well as you.”

He chuckles. I head to the bottle I placed on the desk, I don’t find it funny. “Robert, you’re married to her.”
 

“And you’ve known her longer.”

“Well yes, we’ve been friends a long time. I have the honor of saying I introduced the two of you.”

“Were you friends before we met, I mean simply friends?”

“I’m not sure what you mean…”

“Something’s going on with her,” I pour more whiskey in my empty glass.

 

“a woman as beautiful and complicated as her isn’t meant to be left alone for so long. I don’t think I’ve ever realized it until now.”

“You’re depressing me Robert, you need to get out. You’ve been working too much. I’m supposed to meet Harold at a new club across town. You should come with-“

“No, I don’t feel like going out” I swallow all of the whiskey at once. My throat burns. I’m not sure if it’s the whiskey or how I’m bothered by very word that comes out of his mouth.

“Come on I’ll buy”

“I called her last week, Jason. While I was in Europe, she sounded happy. Why does she sound so happy when I’m away? And it might just be in my head but I could swear I heard another voice in the room.” My hand grabs a cold knob and I slip open the right drawer. There it is staring at me, glossy black. “You don’t think she’s f*****g someone else while I’m away, do you Jason?”

“God Robert,” he responds with Seriousness, “I don’t think you should be talking about Deborah like that. It must be your mind, you’re overworked. You should end those morbid thoughts and get out. Find some-”

His words disappear, I can’t think of anything but what’s right in front of me, glossy black. I pick it up. It’s heavy in my hand, feels reassuring, powerful. I’ve heard all I want to from him. I’ve went over the routine several times in my head. It’s simple, really. But my arm feels so heavy.

“…I’ve looked after her Robert and I can assure you-“

Anger swells inside me. “Yes, yes you have, haven’t you.” My voice doesn’t escape the way I want it, it’s hoarse and cracks.

“Just get out of the house, that’s what you need…”His voice trails off. My hand is slightly out of the drawer, no doubt he sees the steel in my hand. “Rob what are you…”

I went over the routine a hundred times in my head, it was simple, just squeeze. If I look back and find anything daring in my life it will be this. If I see anything right in my life it will be this, Just squeeze. All I have to do is raise my arm, aim and just squeeze. But my arm is stone. For some reason my head is in a panic, my hands are trembling. Jason’s heart should be thumping, I think but all I can hear is my own. A drum in my ear. I look at Jason. No fear on his face. Maybe deep down he was but all his face showed was an odd look of acceptance.

For a while we stand, staring each other down. I have the power but I feel the weaker. My arm feels so tired my hand sinks back down into the drawer. I will never forget the look Robert gives me at just that moment. His face showed pity for me, the disappointed look a mother gives a child.

He walks toward the door, “I’ll see you around Robert.”

I manage a measly “see you around.”