It's Christmas aren't you excited?

A Story by camel954

Frankly not anymore no.

I'm always getting asked this question and every single time i say something different and frankly I'm tired of lying or manipulating answers just to have people not worry about me.

Christmas is just another day of the year, the same 24 Hours within a day, similar climates and weathers each year, similar vibes and feelings and the same old decorations in every shop whilst doing the same old things. Decorating gets boring and tiring after shorter lengths of time each year, it isn't the same anymore. The tree is in the wrong spot, the lights aren't the correct ones for this year, the baubles are not spread out enough by colour, tinsel isn't perfectly wrapped around the tree.

As voices get louder, thoughts start turning into actions, actions then become consequences. It was all for nothing as fighting back isn't worth it anymore. If its wrong, YOU can do it yourself, since YOU never like it when i do it then why don't you have a go at doing something that you don't have the will power or the strength to do anymore and instead of giving in you take action and rebelled against it.

It's not a special day anymore, the value of the gifts were never the problem but rather the intent behind the gifts. The day of Christmas you woke up early and "Went to work" but what you really did was go to the shop and picked out the lamest gift you could imagine. And the intent was?, i have to get you something as i need to show that i care but you didn't care enough to get something 2 weeks before that i truly cared about and would bring me joy instead of a fake smile, fake laugh and a fake "loving" hug.

I was never a child who asked for the moon and the stars as i knew we would get lost before we got there. I was a child who circled in deep black sharpie leaving permanent stains that were always missed opportunities, circles of hope around the products i could find within the 500 page book of toys from so many different shops that i could never fathom existed. I was never interested in the newest tech, phones or consoles but i always wished of massive teddys, blankets with intriguing designs on them, toy cars or toy motorbikes to let my imagination run wild.

We never got many presents anyway, maybe 5 or 6 at most between a 3 person family which don't me wrong isn't a bad thing as we are fortunate enough to have gifts.

I didn't get what i wanted but i also didn't get what i didn't want so i guess that makes it better right?.

Hiding what i truly want and what would make me extremely happy because of the fear of being judged, made fun of or outright be called words i never thought could describe and innocent hearted person before. It pains seeing the things that i want being given away or missing the opportunity to buy them.

No one ever asks me what i want anymore, i always have to somehow bring it up myself in conversation which is hard when I'm not heard. I'd rather see people around me happy with stuff they got from me then me being happy with the stuff they bought for me, which is funny to me lol.

Christmas has lost its special spirits now, no more setting out a glass of milk and plates of cookies and carrots for Santa and his Reindeers, no more going to bed at 7pm to wake up early to see Santa and no more checking the Santa tracker to see where he is, what good old times huh?

The emotional toll winter has now, sleeping more during the shortest days of the year or not sleeping at all. Constant low mood as thoughts run free from the lack of sunlight. Dark rooms and dark days put me back into places i once tried to escape.

It's been years since i woke up to a "Merry Christmas to u" message on my phone to me personally rather then calling family the week commencing the final day. Friends never cared enough and frankly no one ever cared enough to and I'm alright with that as I'm not a special or good person anymore, but hey its life!

Celebrating Christmas differently than 90% of people, in a different country then my origin is also hard, people don't understand that we do things differently. or that we celebrate Christmas day on the 24/12/23 (12/24/23 for USA).