Deeper thoughts #1

A Story by camel954

"If you were in a room full of people who you have met in your life, who would you see and stick with?"

There are lots of different people i could name here, some I'm still friends with and some I've either lost contact, lost friendship or death.

Recently heard this and decided to give it some thought and finally realised who that 1 person is who i would look for is but first i need to express who i would try too look for instead.

Everyone comes and goes but its deciding who is worth the sadness and misery over or who is worth keeping for life, whether that may be short or not, some people i prioritise over others and like/love over others but who i would pick in a room full of people i have met in my life? its actually not that hard for people like me. 99.9% of u don't know a single thing about me, what I've done or what i have been through so isn't it just a matter of reading on and finding out? Lets start shall we.

Entering the room would be the first challenge for me, lots of people in a smaller or even larger space make me super nervous and stressed out but its life, right?. The first person i would look for is probably Mike because of who he was and how he was to me but if I tried to find him all I would find is a bloody, phantom dagger in his right hand as soon as he would go to hug me and ask how I've been. Traitor, liar and backstabber but he's with someone else anyway waiting to strike yet again so its not my problem anymore.

Second person the good and old friend from the earliest part of my life i can remember which is Mark, lovely person and great memories but he found his other friend already and wont leave him anyway so he's a lost cause.

Third person is the one i had the most conflicts with but enjoyed my time the most with and she's called Bella (or Bell/Ella)

and a load of other nicknames as they always have one point and that's to manipulate the truth and present a person as someone who they are not but that wasn't her and were actually still friends but just don't talk as much. Anyways she's already found one of her other f**k-boys or other friends to hang out with.

Forth person? you may ask, my best friend and the one that has been there for longer than anyone else has ever been and that's Alex. What's so special about him, everything really. One of the best people i have ever met. Buuuuut he's already found his other friend and doesn't want me anymore anyway so why try.

Last person i would come to find is my own shadow leading me towards the person who i would see, pushing past all these people who i met and now being with other people. Finally my destination arrives, the furthest corner of the entire room where no soul bounds to play or visit. I would sit down facing the wall and let the mirror appear out of thin air and talk to the person on the other side. me. only me. and no one else. Truth is I'm never anyone's favourite, "Best" friend, go-to person or probably at this point even anyone's friend at this point.

Being alone for so much time has made me realise that "I found peace in your violence, Can't tell me there's no point in trying as I'm at one and I've been quiet for so long". No one thinks of me as much as i think of them, people who i thought would never leave or would never chose someone over ALWAYS choose people over me. I'm useable, fragile, weak, over caring, not loved, hated, easy to take control of, easily attached on, disposable. That funny part is that its only part of it and could go on for hours on end.

I like and absolutely hate being alone but its what I'm comfortable with as I've been treated like gum. Which is chewed, spat out and tread on more than anyone else i know. Truth is i stick to myself as I've found it comforting and where my rabid thoughts can run free and spill emotions or blood.

Lyrics taken from "Silence" by Marshmellow :)