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             Three hours later
 “Where’s my sister at? Can I see her?” Marie questioned endlessly.
 “Miss, your sister passed away a half hour ago. I’m sorry for your loss.” Dr. Jones said empathetically.
 Marie felt the tears start to well up in her eyes. “But you said she was alive. You said she would live.” Marie yelled
 “Look, miss, I never said she would live, I said she was alive.” Dr. Jones said.
 Marie knew he was right, but she was too upset and couldn’t think straight. Her eyes had flooded with tears and her face was soaked in them. “Sorry for yelling I’m just upset to hear that my only living relative is dead.” She said sarcastically.
 “Well I know how you feel and I‘m sorry for your loss, three years ago my mother died of  brain cancer.” Dr. Jones said in anguish.
 “I didn’t know.” Marie said dumbfounded. “Well the past is past, can you hand me the phone?”
 “Why do you need the phone?” Dr. Jones asked.
 “Because I need to tell her husband and call the police because I know that there was someone else out there that attacked her.” Marie said matter-of-factly.
 “Ok, here you go.” Dr. Jones handed her the phone.
 Marie called John, Lucy’s husband, and told him that she had died in the hospital. After she had phoned the police and told of her Lucy’s murder John showed up at the hospital to comfort Marie.

Reviews

[Taylor H.]

I think this needs work. There was too much telling and no showing. I didn't feel any of the characters emotions and the dialogue was very stale. I'm also confused about how it started. What happened? 3 hours after what? This needs a little work and I'm sure it will be great.

[Doreen]

A very good start. I'd like to offer some suggestions. The line, "Look, miss, I never said she would live..." isn't quite fitting for a Doctor to say. I imagine a doctor would be more sympathetic to the patient's family.

Giving description of how Marie falls apart emotionally would lend to the scene. Describe her actions and feelings in order to get close to the character.

Also, when asking for the phone, I doubt there would be any question as to why she would want to use it; especially considering the circumstances.

One of the biggest things in writing is showing, not telling. You want to show the reader what's happening rather than telling them. For example, You can either say, "Marie called John, Lucy's husband, and told him that she had died in the hospital." you could, instead, show this in a dialogue.

Keep up the writing! "A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit" ~~(Richard Bach) ;)

[Dupree]

This is much better it's heading in a great direction and I am thoroughly looking forward to the next part of the story.