the monster in my bed

The monster in my head looks just like the devil, but the devil is me and I am my worst nightmares keeping me up at night; yet the voice sounds like you and there's something familiar about its words.

The monster in my head is looking at me knowingly, as if it's aware that I'm giving up; there's a hunger in its eyes and drool dripping down it's chin, and it's looking at me as if I were prey and it my predator.

There's a part of me that wonders if that could have been me, if only I grew out my nails and dyed my hair and sharpened my tongue and cut this weird thing out of my chest that beats slower every day.

There's a part of me that wonders if that is me, but what everyone else sees; with its poisonous lies and slashing claws and eyes that shatter promises like glass - that would make sense, I think.

Now the monster is in my bed and suddenly it looks like you, but your claws burn me and leave bruises and cuts and so many marks along my body that I don't recognise my mottled skin anymore when I look in the mirror; but this time your words are like the ocean promising me joy and excitement but turning into a nightmare when the clouds appear.

So why does this monster now have lighter hair and brighter eyes and a tongue more painful and believing? Why is this monster more dangerous - is it because it's new and exciting? Is it because I am left broken and bloody and this monster's touch stings so deliciously when it caresses my wounds?

The monster in my bed is a lot of things - but none of what I want; I don't want the nightmares of myself, I don't want the horror of old, I don't want the beauty of new. I want the monster that will snip my life cord before it leaves to find its next victim.

The monster in my bed didn't get the job done, but at least the monster in my head is getting there.

Reviews

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

what an interesting premise. this narrative follows a dream-logic where things appear and even contradictory emotions arise at the same time. i can imagine you were in a very dark place when you wrote this, unsure what to think, unsure how you feel, and unsure whether you want to live or die. it's a very dark theme, but all these things are personified by the titular monster, which in a way allows the reader to confront this fog of confusion in a more proactive way. the writing is distressing but also sharp. it's an engaging piece of work.

[Davidgeo]

There is no monster. You will figure out why you are hungry eventually. Most of us become disappointed at that point. Such is life. It's worse in America than most countries. We seem to have a monopoly on the mid life crisis here.