i decided to forgive myself and other short poems

A Poem by calex

a bunch of short poems for those days when you just want to be someone else

1) I DECIDED
I decided it was high time,
I decided that maybe i was better off
you know that gut feeling that tells you
that this is the time, the exact moment
i needed to put myself into perspective
I decided that
The self pity
The loathing
The hatred
The fear
The pain
The envy
The jealousy
All of it needed to stop
I decided that it was time for my biggest fight
Over the years I have had battles
with each battle i have lost something
but most of all i gained a battle scar
every scar you see upon my flesh is a reminder that
i am truly a proven fighter.
I decided that it was the day the lord had made
I decided it was here that my last stand should be
I decided that if i were to be happy
Right here and then was where I needed to
pick myself and make me a better me

i decided to FORGIVE MYSElF….

2) The Lost sons
all his life he had never known him
to him he was a stranger,
he shared no faintest recollection whatsoever
of who this man was to him.
in hindsight they both looked alike
the other a younger version of his elder
the same elder who lost his son
not to a gun nor a knife
but from his tough love or lack of it.
they could have lived 5 feet apart
yet there were a million miles far from each other
familiarity breeds contempt they say
in their case unfamiliarity bred their fall
he lost his son not to a knife nor a gun
but to tough love or lack of it thereof
it wasn’t his own doing nor her own doing
duty was the death of love
as a father his duty was to provide
in-order for him to provide he had to be away
being away meant his love was never felt
and thus his son was lost
today he asks what then should I have done
should I have played house and not been a man
should I have stayed and failed to provide
should i have failed to make sure he made it
i said to him
love knows no bounds,
go to him now and say to him

I AM PROUD OF YOU….
3) To the powers that be
i come to you as a humble servant
my grievances already known to you
my sorrows presented only to you
my tears and fears shared only to you.
i come to you my head bowed in shame
as i can not lift my eyes to your level
as I can not endure that which you have laid for me
as I can not continue as if i am blissful and full of life
as i can not pretend to be merry and full.
i come to you heart in hand,
head in heart
weary Is my soul
standing in front of you not as a man
but as a servant whose pain and sorrow
has driven him
i come to you not as a king nor the worthy one
I come to you asking WHEN
If not now then when
If not then, when
If then, how
If then when it Is how will it be
I come to you seeking that which only you can
Answer to
I come to you humbled, head bowed
without fear of the unknown
with hope that in you my answer lies

I come to you seeking how the ends can be justified…….

4) The old man by the tree
he sat by the old tree
smoking pipe by the hand
watching the children and their raggedy plastic ball
running around with deafening noise
he felt at ease with them In his presence
but then again he was old and senile.
his words were short of his knowledge
his statue and demeanor was that of a man
who had not yet lost hope
a hope that not many envisioned
his hope was that of a oneness
a oneness of a people who had ubuntu in them.
the old man
a pan africanist with an idea
an idea that sparked an ideology
an ideology that envisioned
a tribe
a tribe that spoke humanity first.
not a single day would he say
he had lost hope
he had lost hope not because he was old
but because many had lost faith in him.
his wisdom was profound
his knowledge was unmatched
just because he was old
his village lost his trust in him
But then again he was old

The village lost an old man ……

5) Dear me
there are some few things I could have told you earlier,
this letter trust me it is not late
for if it were late
then I guess I had not learnt the lesson in time
for in time you will come to understand that nothing
i mean nothing will be given to you
you see the world you live in does not owe you anything
what want you have to fight for It
what you need you have scratch for it
what you desire you have to suffer for it in order to get It
someday you will understand the value of your worth
someday you will learn the need of friends that build
and enemies that destroy
someday you will know what it feels to be an adult
someday you will laugh
someday you will hurt
someday you will love
and someday you will be sad
all in all everything In your life will be someday.
it Is safe to say that as you grow older
you will realize that what you see today tomorrow you will
see differently, for today your eyes see without judgement
all you will experience will be a learning curve
nothing will be forever guaranteed
try not to make sense of everything right then for you will not understand anything at all
one thing i leave you with is that….

VIVE UT VIVAS
LIVE LIFE SO THAT YOU MAY LIVE
6) It is not well
i sit In silence
It Is not because i am lonesome
It Is not because I have an impediment
Or a fault
My faculties are fine thank you
I sit in silence
Not because i have no friends to talk to
Nor do i prefer silence but
I sit in silence
It is not because I am alone but
Because I’m lost
I am not that type of lost but the other type of lost
lost in my own thoughts not translation
lost to in my own voices
every single day my mind is In a state of flux
every motion, every thought, every feeling
and every moment they are all
simply my inner thoughts waiting to manifest
in their manifestation darkness seems to overshadow
what i wish everything to be
but then again i am silent
i am silent because i face a moral dilemma
one that requires a made up heart
for the decision does not affect me but they who
rest in their laurels waiting for me to be me
in my quest to be such
i have since realized that
I would rather die

And mine death would be by suicide ….
7) I have a fear
every night as I toss and turn in my bed
my mind keeps me from falling asleep
my thoughts flood and flash in my head
my eyes seem not to understand the concept of shutting
my heartbeat does not slow its pace
it is as if it is in rhythm to the Africana bongo beat
my pulse instead of slowing down quickens
with each breath i take i seem to be a man running
if it were a race then i would tire easily
but then again this is not a race and i am not running
it is my nightmare that keeps me awake
my nightmare is my fear
and my fear is my nightmare
i have this fear, a fear that is real
a fear that wants to control me
a fear that has succeeded in keeping me weary
my fear thrives in my anxiety
and my anxiety wishes to see me
down and under,
i will not lie, but my fear makes suicide ideal
i fear that my fear would have won if i think such
but then again if only my fear would cease
maybe then i could just for one night sleep and be at peace
you see my fear is that of losing
losing that other person who I fell In love with
for if i loose them then who will i become
i cant loose them but my fear Is i will loose them…….

f**k It lets elope tonight and dispel my fear
for i truly LOVE YOU
8) I am Clark Kent
you know what
i am tired, I am so freaking tired
of people telling me who I should be
of people telling me what i should do
of people telling me what i can do
of people telling me what is expected of me
i am tired of just being someone else
I am tired of not being me
I am tired of pretending to be someone
I am tired of acting as if i am fine
I am tired of being macho
I am tired of being herculean
Most of all i am tired of pretending to be
Superman
everyday the expectations drain me
the face i see in the mirror is not mine
and i am tired of that
i am just to tired of keeping up with this façade
playing charades
and wearing a mask everyday so that i can
be accepted
today is just any other day to you
but to me it’s the day my tiredness
actually made me tired and hence
i am tired
I am very much tired of not being
who i want to be, what i want to be
i am tired of all the pretense and the fakeness surrounding me…….
HIE I AM AN AVERAGE MAN I AM CLARK KENT
9) Today not tomorrow
i first saw the real YOU
but now i see you
i first saw who you were
but not who you are
i first saw your smile
not this smile
i first saw your pureness
and not this emptiness
instead of laughing together we snorted together
like two pot filled piglets we were shocked
now i laugh alone not with
and i am shook
i first wiped your tear
and smudged your makeup
now i cry not because of you
but because of your silence
i first looked at you and wondered
was this all real
but now i look at you and i see nothing
i first kissed you
and in that moment i felt over the moon
now i kiss you and I see you feel nothing
i fell first, head over heels
and with you i wonder did your heels knock their heads off
i asked you because I saw you for who you were
now i ask you again
are you who you were
i loved you and i still love you
do you love me too, if you do……
CAN YOU LOVE ME TODAY AND NOT TOMORROW
10) Still standing
they said she was weak
they said she would not last at all
in their eyes she was out of her depth
to them she could not
and definitely she was never going to
they believed she was ruined and done
damaged goods they said
if she had a fight In her
then she was Indeed mad
to them It was not a matter of her will
but a matter of the will
they believed that as was his end
so was hers
they said she would ruin his Image
tarnish his reputation
in our culture its not allowed
they said
she still needs someone to guide her
and hold her hand
they believed that It was their right
and not her right to choose what she wanted
for In her hearts of hearts
she chose to stand alone
and for that they shunned her
cut her from the family
tried but failed to disposes her
a single mother left to raise her children alone
and by his grace she did raise humans after all
today she stands a single mother with love…
AND SO SHE WILL KEEP ON STANDING
11) Thank you
a picture Is worth a thousand words
and i saw the picture
its thousand words said a lot
as clear as day light
i commend you for the picture
but i resent you for not saying in my face
but then again…….
THANK YOU FOR THE PICTURE

12) Broken heart prayer
I wish I could tell you about my feelings,
in the morning, middle of the night,
when I eat, sleep,
in happiness and in sadness.
I just want to tell you that I love you,
but then if wishes were horse’s then we would all ride away into the sunset...
OH I FORGOT YOU BROKE MY HEART YESTERDAY😩

13) A masked Persona
She hides her face under a mask
her fear is they will see her
she hides her face under a layer of
foundation, eyeliners, shadows,
lipsticks, mascara and primers
so that they can not see her
she paints over her teas
so that they can not see her suffering
she paints a smile across her face
so that they can not see her pain
meanwhile he laughs a lot
so that he feels good
he talks a lot
so that he feels in-charge
he drinks a lot
so that he has control over his problems
she is Jane
he is John
they are both victims
victims of the pressures of society
everyday they visit the great masked ball
that is of this life
and like all guests they try
to hide their faces behind masks…….

THEY DO SO HOPING TO HIDE FROM THE STIGMA

14) Killing me softly
I said I loved you and I meant every word
i said I need you In my life
for in my life i need you
i come again today to tell you
I do love and i do need you
not knowing if you love me
is the worst i can feel
not knowing if you also need me
is my worst nightmare
i said be with me forever
forever being forever and forever
i said lets take a journey together
so that we can be together for the rest of our lives
not knowing if you want to be part of my forever
is one of my fears
not knowing If being together is in your plans
drives me insane
i said lets build together
because alone I can not stand
not knowing if you are interested In building together
is why you are……

KILLING ME SOFTLY

15) THE MAN AND HIS ROOMMATE
Everyday Is like each day and each day
is just like everyday
we both leave the room without goodbyes
one of us though leaves the house fed
and the other not so much but rather in pain
throughout the day It’s a torrid affair
the other escaping the jaws of self-hurt seeking excitement
the other Is being driven insane by the nosey Janes &James
it is as if we live separate lives
yet we have something In common we are both in this together, for when the day ends
we both know we are going home
for at home there Is peace and quite
that Is not until its time
by the way my roommate Is Sarah
she can only sing In a high pitched tone
she is a biter and a sucker
she likes it rough
for in turn i slap and slap her
its never an easy night
because we claw and fight just how she likes it
till morning we go
then we begin again our routine
my roommate and i we live to hurt and
eventually kill each other
you see ours is a hate and hate relationship
very abusive because…….

SARAH IS A MOSQUITO AND SHE ABUSES ME