You Sailed Away

 

How could I have let things come so far?

 Should’ve seen this coming from afar.

But, I was blinded by this damn, old guitar.

Time I've wasted playing in some stupid ole bar,

Wasting in the shadow, trying to be a star.

Then you sailed away, in that little, yellow car.

Leaving me here alone, always to bear the scar.

 

 Why'd you disappear without any trace?

Leaving no trail, no hope for me to chase.

Now, I find myself alone and all out of place.

So, alone I’ll stay, humbled by disgrace,

with no other body, here for me to embrace.

Nothing I know, could even possibly replace,

The image that I see, your brilliant, shining face.

                                  

I’ve never been so alone, never so sad,

My bleeding heart is no longer iron clad.

It’s now far more frail than a lily-pad.

I'm torn, broken, and oh so sad, not to add,

that alone like this, I’m bound to go mad.

I tasted love, not knowing what I had.

Oh love! I’ve never needed you so bad. 

 

I can't bear to dream, for it feels too real

So, sleep has lost its every appeal.

I can no longer smile, for pain is all I feel.

It cuts so deep, deeper than any steel.

I can barely stand, pain from head to heel,

Yet I realize that pain is there to reveal,

That alone, I cannot survive this ordeal.

 

So, I'll watched you sail away..

Here, alone, doomed I'll stay.

Only to see in shades of grey,

and sit here in this lonely cafe.

 All my thoughts in disarray,

I watch my heart slowly decay

And pray, that there'll be another day.

 

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Wow! I have no doubt now that you, sir, are one of the best poets I have read!
I would only offer this one thing; many of the lines could simply have words switched around so that they fit more with the flow. These are a few examples:
"Definately should've seen this coming from afar."
Maybe 'Definitely should've seen this from afar?"

"But, I was blinded by this damned, old guitar."
Maybe "But I was blinded by this damn old guitar?"
There are a lot of lines like that. What I would suggest, is reading this through *aloud* and seeing if you can rearrange words or change lines or things.
But what I loved was the word-pictures, the great spin on a poem that could've been boring, and basically every second of it. This is going in my favorites.
Kudos, sir, kudos!

Scott

[Gandré]

oh this was wonderful, a line by line great tale, you give lots of story, poetically, you give amillieu that has intrigued people, the troublesome world of dreamers, the big city cop, you wrote this about every young person dream and shattered love, and left alone, I loved this melancholy and your poetic style. Thank you for entering my contest.

[Shanna (Renae)]

I can see why my sis is always saying that your rhymes are spectacular.

I agree with Scott M., your rhythm could be touched up a bit. Truly excellent, though. Explained the cold pain of the narrator's heart with strong emotion.

[Gheeneil]

There are instances when one leaves us while we are still trying to hold on. It breaks our heart into pieces that we don't know how to bring them back together. But when a ray of hope shines upon us, it makes us move on. We may be taking a slow pace but, at least, the journey continues. This piece is sad but it's moving, considering the circumstance at hand. Nice one.

[M. View]

I like this poem nice flow and emotions in it. I think the 7 line stazas flow nice and 8 would just make it like every other one.

good write

[sheerpoetry]

just reading this it almost brought me to tears. It expressess the emotions of a lost love so well, even anyone who's never ever loved could understand the pain of loosing someone after reading this peice. I hope its just poetryand not an actuality for you.

[QuietPoet]

This was such a great write. I loved your rhythm. Very nice.

[Céce]

this is one damn good poem.
wonderful rhythm,
careful and precise sound.

my favorite line is,
I can't bear to dream.
because neither can I.

the use of seven lines woke me up, it is different, almost like a half-sonnet.
hope to read more.

cheers from Jane.

[Erin Was Here.]

Oh my gosh.
New favorite right here.
This is just stunning. I love the rhyming so much! I haven't read many poems with rhyme schemes like this, but I loved the way each word of each stanza rhymed. The last stanza was so friggan gorgeous with the words and imagery you used. AH! This is amazing.

[Texas]

I love the rhyme scheme used. Even if I read the first and last line of each stanza, the message still gets across. And that's not easy to do.