Life is a Weird Thing

Life is just some crazy thing. I'm not sure what it means. I'm not sure if it has a meaning. There's no way we could ever really tell if life has a meaning. It's a complex mess no one really can really understand. Not understanding things has always driven me crazy. I want to know. I want to understand but some things you just can't. Why do we exist? Do we even actually exist? Maybe we're a thought of something else. Maybe we're like a game. A huge game. There's a lot of things that appear and take us by surprise.

Even after a great period of time, things are thrown at us just so they can get better again. Maybe we aren't a game. Maybe we're like toys. Like dolls. Make me do what you want me to. Put me through hell just to make things better again. Make me think of hypothetical situations that will soon consume my mind and leave me without sleep, tears running down my face. Life is a thing that can be easily toyed with. Because it's such a fragile thing. It can crumble in your hands or fall apart at the seams.

I'm not sure about any of life's big questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Will i ever be able to answer any of those questions? There is no way I could ever possibly answer those questions. No one can. You can't unless you die. And the dead can't go back and evaluate their lives and decide it's worth.

It doesn't make sense, We are born, we grow, going through many important things on the way. Your first encounter with new life, your first encounter with death. Finding out god-knows-what and that's how I came to be and this is what love feels like. Raw emotions and curiosity.

 Forced to pick a path to a "bigger, better life" when we're still growing. Where do you want to work? Do you want to get married? How about kids? Make yourself useful, will you? You don't get to decide your self worth. Society does. It's pretty messed up when I can't decide things in my life myself. My decisions are almost always judged by other people. Even if I don't realize it, my decisions are judged by someone. My mom, my dad, my boyfriend. People don't always vocalize their judgements. Other people are very vocal.

It's odd how we all start out as a (nearly) blank slate. We are easily impressionable because we're learning. It all depends on how our parents raise us. If we see people in our household being abused, we're taught to be afraid or that is the way we should treat people if they don't listen. Life is scary. Life is fragile. Easily broken. I've learned it's all like a roller coaster, up and then down, then a spiral.

Crazy.