chapter one

The Black Fox

The Fortress in Flames

By Caitlin LeBegue

 

               

 

 

 

 

 

Part One

In wich things happen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter One

 

   Cenred ducked under another long twisting branch that hung low out of the trees from the thunder storm that shook the forest the night before.

Mist still swirled about their feet as the group traveled away from the forests center. The leaves overhead toyed with and teased little rays of light that tried to shoo away the still lingering darkness.

Cenred moved silently, the exact opposite of the two apprentices that followed him.

They blundered about behind him, crunching twigs underfoot and bonking into trees, all the while moaning and groaning like headless zombies.

Cenred spun around, his black cloak billowed out behind him, “Will you quit it already!” he demanded narrowing his dark brown eyes and letting unruly orange-brown hair fall over his face like he always did when his apprentices annoyed him. “Zombies usually don’t have heads so they can’t groan like you idiots!”

“I thought we were pretending to be drougrs though” Nihco said innocently. His name was actually Nico but after getting in an argument about how it should be pronounced- Volt was sure it should be Nic-O but Nihco knew it was ni-co and Karliah thought they both sounded the same- so they agreed on simply changing it to Nihco.

Nihco was eleven; he had black hair and the blue eyes of a wizard from the Icx-the cold mountain region north of castle Norhail- he wore green trousers, a white tunic, and dark blue cloak (also from the Icx).

“No, drougrs scream at you angrily in an ancient language” Volt said, he was fifteen and was training to be a warrior before he became Cenred’s apprentice.

He had the brown eyes of Battalon- a warm region full of rolling hills and plains west of castle Norhail- and short blonde hair that was longer on one side because he cut it by himself with one of his swords. He had two swords, strapped on his back under his long red cloak. His tunic was also red with a thick leather belt and trousers.

“It doesn’t matter! You accomplished driving me crazy a hundred times over!” Cenred said straightening his leather vest and turning back to the hunt.

“We have a confession!” Volt cheered.

“He says something like that every day, though” Nihco pointed out.

“Why is it that those two are so much more annoying than Karliah?” Cenred asked no one in particular.

Volt smirked “Your stuck hunting with the two annoying apprentices”

“That’s us” Nihco said

“I know that” Volt said

“Talking in third person, why do you do that?” Nihco asked.

“That wasn’t third it was second” Volt argued.

“Shut up already, will you!” Cenred called from farther ahead of them.

The two apprentices sniggered and hurried to catch up.

 

Cenred crouched down next to a bush, peering out into a clearing where two dear were grazing peacefully.

“Sorry, but If I don’t kill you and the princess doesn’t get fresh deer she’ll throw a fit” Cenred thought to the smaller deer, which had targeted.

 In one fluid movement Cenred drew the axe from his belt, pulled his arm back and cast the axe away.

It went hurdling through the air but a moment before the axe came down on its target the deer jerked up right, and then went rigid as a thin layer of ice covered its entire body. Then the axe lodged itself in the creature’s frozen neck.

The other deer went jerked upright and dashed away in the blink of an eye.

Cenred spun around, Volt and Nihco were crouching next to him, Nihco was grinning and his eyes were still glowing slightly.

“It’s a useful trick” Cenred admitted.

“As a graduated Black Fox agent I thought you had mastered the basics from all three regions?” Volt questioned.

“I did, more than just the basics, much more in fact. But I don’t use magic because there’s no sport in just freezing the creature” Cenred reasoned.

“What’s the sport in hitting it with an axe?” Nihco asked.

“Good point, good point” Cenred admitted, standing up. “Anyhow, let’s get this back to the hut before Ulfric shows up with Princess Karina” Cenred said.

“Yeah nothin’ like a pile of deer guts to say ‘welcome Princess and corps head’” Volt snorted sarcastically.

Cenred walked out into the clearing and retrieved the carcass and his axe. He bonked Volt on the head with the butt of the axe on his way back.

The three of them started on their way back to the hut, Volt rubbing his head the whole way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[yusuf]

Good job madame!

[kublakhan27]

Those big letters scared me when I clicked on the title :P But your storytelling skills are on full display as always :)

[Dark Butterfly]

lol thanks!

[kublakhan27]

No problem :)

[X]

Stay inspired. Listen to "Tunder's" words. Well done!

X

[Dark Butterfly]

thanks

[quinfinn]

an utterly charming write, sort of speed racer meets the hobbit, i dunno, just clever and fun.

[Dark Butterfly]

thanks!

[Tunder]

It should be, "In which things happen" just a minor typos :)

"Cenred ducked under another long twisting branch that hung low out of the trees from the thunder storm that shook the forest the night before." This has some fantastic description in it, though maybe too much! Don't throw too much at your readers. Try to break this into two sentences. For example, "Cenred ducked under another long, twisting branch that hung low out of the trees. A thunderstorm had shaken the forest the night before, and had made many branches droop." Just an example :)
"They blundered about behind him, crunching twigs underfoot and bonking into trees, all the while moaning and groaning like headless zombies." Nice simile. Really comical too!
'"Will you quit it already!” he demanded narrowing his dark brown eyes and letting unruly orange-brown hair fall over his face like he always did when his apprentices annoyed him. 'Zombies usually don’t have heads so they can’t groan like you idiots!'" Again, a tad bit too much description. Break it up a bit, maybe, "'Will you quit it already!?' he demanded narrowing his dark brown eyes. His unruly orange-brown hair fell over his face like it always did when his apprentices annoyed him." Otherwise, this is really good! Great job at creating such a great picture!
"His name was actually Nico but after getting in an argument about how it should be pronounced" Be sure to finish this thought before lauching into the whole story. :) Very cute though, the way they came up with his name :)
As for the descriptions of the apprentices, I have only one critique. Simple colors can get rather boring. Maybe jazz them up so instead of 'red' maybe say, 'the color of fresh blood'? just a suggestion. :)
'“He says something like that every day, though”' Forgot a period here. “'We have a confession!' Volt cheered." I wouldn't use 'cheered' in this particular context, maybe declared?
“'Your stuck hunting with the two annoying apprentices”' It should be you're. I make this mistake all the time too :)
"'That’s us' Nihco said “I know that' Volt said" Don't forget punctuation!
“'Talking in third person, why do you do that?' Nihco asked." This sounds like an awkward to speak. Maybe, "Why do you talk in third person?"
"Cenred crouched down next to a bush, peering out into a clearing where two dear were grazing peacefully." It should be 'deer' here. I know you know this because you used the correct term in the next sentence :) Just a little mistake. :)
'“Sorry, but If I don’t kill you and the princess doesn't get fresh deer she’ll throw a fit' Cenred thought to the smaller deer, which had targeted." I'm not quite sure, but I THINK thoughts are italicized. Double check though, because I'm not sure :) You also forgot a word, "Which he HAD targeted."
"In one fluid movement Cenred drew the axe from his belt, pulled his arm back and cast the axe away." Brilliant description here! I like the use of the words, 'fluid' and 'cast'! Well done, and great word choice! However, you may need a comma after the word, 'back'.
"It went hurdling through the air but a moment before the ax came down on its target the deer jerked up right, and then went rigid as a thin layer of ice covered its entire body. Then the ax lodged itself in the creature’s frozen neck." Check your punctuation! Commas. Read it again. These little mistakes don't take from the story, but they do make it a tad hard to understand. Also, it is, 'ax' (I didn't even catch that, it was my computer's spell check!!) :D
I like the last exchanges between the characters. You make them more human, more believable. And the friendly bantering brings a little comic relief! You are a very talented writer! I really like this story so far, and I cannot wait to read more! :) Keep on writing, ~Tunder~

[Tunder]

I apologize for writing such a long review. I wanted to be as thorough as possible!

[Dark Butterfly]

wow thanks so much!!! this is extremely hellpful!!!

[Dark Butterfly]

:)

[Dark Butterfly]

i was verry inspired when i started this book, i spent several weeks gstating the idea of secret agents in a sort of midevel time period