Three Little Pigs (And Their Politics)

Written July 4, 2006, a satirical version of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf.

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.
Each one of the pigs desired a house to live in, and so they went out to build their houses, each in their own special way.
The first pig was from a Mexican border town. He had entered the country illegaly, and made less than minimum wage. He built his house out of cheap materials, and didn't bother landscaping it, since he only planned to park his car in his yard anyway. His house contained cheap furniture. However, he used his welfare money to purchase a big screen television set, which he played loudly at all hours of the day.
The second little pig was from Massachusetts. He had married the heiress to a very large fortune, which was rooted in condiment production. He chose to build his house out of materials imported from an old barn in Europe. In his house was a large display case meant to house an award for military valor. Somehow, no one could ever actually prove this medal existed. His neighbors saw little of him, but, when they did, they noticed that he always wore flip flops.
The third little pig came from a family of hardworking people. By some stroke of luck, and with some ingenuity, he began to be financially successful. He built a nice, comfortable, brick house in the country and lived peacefully there with his family. He paid more than his fair share of taxes, but managed to live, and maintain a nice state of existence.
One day a big, bad wolf came to town. In order to make herself well known she began harassing anyone in her path.
She came first to the house of the first little pig. At first she knocked politely on the door, but the plasma screen TV was blaring and no one could hear her knocks. The wolf began banging on the door. Soon, the little pig came to the door, looking sleepy. The wolf was reluctant to bother the little pig, because she knew he was only in the country to make a better life for his family. However, it was in the wolf's nature to bother people, so she said roughly,
"Vote for me in November or I'll blow your house to the ground!"
Unfortunately, the poor little pig had refused to learn English, so he only shook his head. The wolf became angry. She left in a huff and ordered the border patrol to deport the first little pig. Luckily for the pig, he managed to escape to the home of his friend, the second little pig.
The wolf also decided to pay a visit to the second little pig. The wolf and the second little pig had a love/hate relationship, and, at the moment, neither knew whether they were loving or hating.
When the wolf arrived at the house of the second little pig she began to knock, and yell gruffly,
"Where do YOU stand, little swine? Is your vote mine?"
The little pig saw the wolf and was visibly frightened. He turned to his wife and the first little pig, saying,
"Don't worry! I have a PLAN!"
They decided to run out the back door and escape to the home of the third little pig. Then the second little pig became doubtful. He made an executive decision to remain at home.
The knocks of the angry wolf became pounding that shook the house. (And also the Senate, which was actually where the second little pig was supposed to be.)
The second little pig stood shaking. He said to his companions,
"I have a PLAN!"
And they finally sat off to the nearby home of the third little pig. As they ran, the second little pig argued with his companions,
"I was for it before I was against it!"
When they reached the brick house belonging to the third little pig they began banging on the door. When the third little pig came to the door they screamed at him,
"It's unfair that you have this nice house while we're stuck in our shacks. You should share your wealth with us!"
The third little pig welcomed them in, and asked them to explain their harried condition. Before they could respond a knock was heard at the door, and the wolf called out,
"Little pig! Donate to my campaign! I won't tell if YOU won't tell!"
The third little pig shook his head. They sat in silence as the wolf hollered and banged uproariously. Finally, she became tired. She cried to the pigs in the house,
"Fine, if you won't let me in, I shall come in through the chimney."
They heard her running distantly outside the house. The third little pig smiled conspiratorially at the others.
"I have an idea."
he said. The second little pig piped up,
"I have a plan, too!"
Ignoring him, they followed the third little pig, and returned shortly with a gigantic pot of boiling water. They set it over the fireplace, and stood back, waiting. Soon, they heard a clattering on the roof, and then the sound of an angry wolf sliding down a chimney. They gasped when the wolf landed with a plop and a howl into the boiling liquid. She ran out of the house in a fiery temper with burns from head to toe.
The wife of the second little pig was indignant,
"I simply cannot approve of this! Wolves are endangered, you know."
She marched out of the house, followed by the first little pig and her husband, who was frowning at the sight of a violet-colored medal on the mantelpiece.
The third little pig sighed, and said softly,
"Peace at last."
The other pigs went back to their lives, too.
The first little pig went back to his shack. He had another litter of piglets, and, with the money he received from the government, bought a new stereo system for his car.
The second little pig went back to his converted barn, and got a manicure. When he felt more relaxed he went out and bought more flip flops.
The wolf, however, had quite a time. She went to the emergency room, where she found the medics could not treat her because a pig who had just crossed the border was giving birth. The wolf was infuriated. Back at the big wolf convention she had uneducatedly spoken out for the rights of illegal pigs. These pigs were being treated before her! She was shocked. How had she been so unaware? But what is to be expected from an inexperienced girl from Illinois?
So, some of them lived happily ever after, and the rest is for another story.

The End

Reviews

[fakingsupah]

Lol. Oh my! More and more please, I love the political satire. It's just amusing the way you twisted in the Three Little Pigs and the view points you took one pig one and pig two.