disengaged, a love poem

one evening, we undertook the task of writing love poems... albeit disengaged ones.

my left hand is heavy
with the weight of unadornment
diamonds never set their sights
on ink-stained fingers.

your arms grab me
paranthetically
aside, cited
your arms circle me
like wanted ads
always working
tearing the last veils
of cotton from my skin.

disengaging the fantasy, fed
up with foreplay, restless
once the sheets have dried
you are distant
i am grey
dissolve into dust
as you reach across my bed, blow
kisses out the window
on your cruelly crafted hand.

we are mice and pumpkins
our love has daylight limits
the sun has risen on your
cold devotion
the night has
melted mine.

Author's Note

want a second or third of fourth opinion before i cut it. what would you cut?

Reviews

[Rufio The Jedi]

the unbalance flow, goes seamlessly with the unbalanced contrasting of the two characters. also, was the other character a metaphor for poetry... or was i reading too deep? and, i loved this line...

"we are mice and pumpkins
our love has daylight limits"

i have a fetish for imagery.

[Frank F. Atanacio]

No cuts reads wonderfully and the point is clear nice write well penned :)