Tree

simple wording on a very personal subject...

 Endless.

Branching from bark to trunk to branch twig and leaf

I escape you by covering so much ground

By placing every barrier possible in the way

From depression to racism to

The need to love and be loved by anyone willing to

Take me in this condition,

The condition that still has your violent touch reeking all over it.

 

I was hurt by someone I didn’t think could hurt me

Exposed to a sense of hate and fear that

I never knew existed

And no one came to save me, breaking all the rules of how the world should be

 

And in my ten-year-old mind you stole my pen and wrote my history so

I cannot feel one memory without you stepping in.

I cannot debate one subject or argue one point without

The influence of what you did to me

Leaking through and controlling my viewpoint, my stance on where I should be…

 

No matter how I grow you follow me,

Like a vine that strangles like a fungus that spreads and infects

You are my HIV because every cell in my body carries you,

Is copied to you and you let the dark thoughts in while I try

So hard to resist them. 

 

This battle is endless, and the distance doesn’t matter.

I cannot escape you no matter how far I stretch

And I never even loved you, never cared for you

Beyond the fact that we were both human

But you teased me and they said it was because you liked me…

 

And you hurt me so deeply that I am still exploring ground zero, the place where

My own September eleventh occurred and

That comparison seems ugly, like cheating or lying

But it is true, everything is compared to you what you did to me

And I cannot escape that frame of reference no matter how fast I climb

How high I jump or even when I fly, you slowly drag me down.

 

I feel covered in you no matter how hard I scrub, like you raped everything I was, everything except my body you touched and polluted

made my best friends think twice about liking me…

 

and I used you as an excuse for so many things

why I don’t date why I discriminate against some boys why I blush and hide

I have never worn a thong because I thought I was too ugly because

That is what you told me and ten years later I am

still believing in everything you said, even

Though I knew it was a lie because the boundaries of society bind me and God

I just want to get away from the person you made me.

 

Because you hit me and I couldn’t hit you.

Because you pushed me and they watched me so closely make sure I never touched you because I was ready to explode and they knew it,

They jumped on me for things you would always do because

I became combustible, so easily agitated after you…

 

And this battle is endless push and pull between who I was, who I am and the third part of me that will never be because you scared

her away just as she was taking shape.

 

And I tell myself I am lucky to have felt the things I felt

To know the feeling of burning hate and desperation but the feeling of utter helplessness, a crippling sensation that locks you in this place of motionless turmoil until the bombs are dropped and the troops are gone.

 

You hide there until the air clears until the boots are gone an it grows quiet,

Then you come out and walk in the sun, feeling it, loving it but knowing that you will never be the same.

 

I will never branch that way again for the bark is burned through, dead weight dragging my arms into the water where rot enters my bones

and my mind, taking up residence inside me aging me in ways that seem impossible.

I am a tree that will never feel the sun in the same way because my

Growth was stunted.

 

I was hurt by someone I was told could never would never should never hurt me

And when the lies came through and promised me things I never saw I decided that the sun wasn’t worth stretching for, I grew, flourished in the shade

 

And now I invade your heart like a virus, the HIV of the human race the thing

You love to hear but hate to taste I am the last thing you  would ever want to remember but you do because I manipulate you into thinking you

Could have should have done something, make you think

That you would have done something if you’d been there

 

But it all happened ten years ago, a decade ago which has past and new, better trees are growing and they need your help so much more than me.  I am just the foliage that gives shade in the summer to the young and slides aside as they grow strong enough to face the drought and blast of heat on their own.

 

Because I am always branching, trying to fix in others what wasn’t fixed in me

Honestly thinking that I can escape the rot within me if I can just

Point out, focus on and heal the beginning of black spots in you, and God

I’d do anything just to burn it all away , but it is too deep,

It became a part of me before I knew what it was doing, latching onto my best memories, the most important parts of me – my words.

 

And I cannot give those up, cut off that weight because

I could not stand to be voiceless, helpless and powerless once again.

Reviews

[STurner]

Tremendously powerful. Deeply personal and real.

I sense your "death" through your words: "I'd do anything just to burn it all away , but it is too deep/ It became a part of me before I knew what it was doing, latching onto my best memories, the most important parts of me � my words/And I cannot give those up, cut off that weight because/I could not stand to be voiceless, helpless and powerless once again."

To this, I say: Bravo! May you always rage against the night!

Keep writing.It's sheer excellence that rises above the pain. Peace and blessings to you.

[Sami Khalil]

"God

I’d do anything just to burn it all away , but it is too deep,

It became a part of me before I knew what it was doing, latching onto my best memories, the most important parts of me – my words.



And I cannot give those up, cut off that weight because

I could not stand to be voiceless, helpless and powerless once again."
A good read and write...:)

[LC Coyle]

Wow. I would love to be able to describe those feelings the way you do! My favorite part was the "comparison seems ugly, like cheating or lying" line and those that followed it. You captured this feeling so well. I hope writing this was a healing experience for you :)

[Raef C. Boylan]

You extended the tree anaology so well throughout this poem, and kept adding hanging new angles and images onto it so that the concept didn't grow stale for the reader.
This is a poetic story with a lot of depth, which you've conveyed via the many layers [/stanzas].
As you'll know yourself, this site is full of emotional writing, spurred on by pain/abuse etc, with little worth other than the therapeutic comfort/venting it offers to the author. Your piece isn't like that; these are the words of a poet and writer who happens to be talking about an emotive subject. We're not blackmailed into caring here, we're led into the feelings by the crafted language and tone.

Great work.

[Eagle Cruagh]

I make it a point to never read the reviews of
others, but you had me stumped. I went to all
the other reviews and found that each thought some
person, predator had violated you, the writer.

You have probably accomplished the big one in writing.
You have spun a tale of the tree developing, being poisoned
and the poison traveling throughout the organism.
I think there is a legal term which covers this, something about
the fruit of a poisoned _____, which speaks of evidence made
unusable because it was obtained illegally.

The story spun out in this poem is one of degradation.
Some person poisons the mind and soul of a nine year old girl
and she spends years attempting to rid herself of the rot she
feels in her soul.

A terrible and gripping poem, it bothers almost all of us.
This may be the sickest and disgusting expedition into the
jungle where all the evil lurks behind the human`s eyes.
Having said that, what more interesting, bottomless pit to
explore.

My apologies. At each step of trying to understand the mind
that you explore, I stray further from a comprehensive analysis
of your writing.

You have created a monster, but one that intrigues the reader.
We need to know how this can happen, but I pray that you
write from a gifted imagination and not from life.

100 %

------ Eagle Cruagh

[(Just Your Average) Dee..]

Hmmm. I know the feeling all to well. And the way you've put it all into words is absolutely magnificent. We can never go back to the voiceless, to the powerless, and to the helpless, ever again. Great read. Glad to have spent these few moments reading it. Sincere Thanks, Sierra.

[Fran Marie]

So sad this happened and men like that are monsters~ and the victim is left
with scars but never to be blame~ writing about such acts is very good therapy
and you are brave to do so~

[Fabian G. Franklin]

As a dedicated father to a beautiful young woman (that's my daughter in my avatar with me) I spent my every year of fatherhood protecting my child from things like this. I wholeheartedly agree with Sharon that the victim is never at fault. Kids need protecting and its a full time job for two parents. Luckily, my ex-wife and I always saw eye to eye on putting our daughter first. This was sad but filled me with a quiet sort of rage at the same time. It takes a special kind of bravery to spill your soul to the world and I applaud you for it.

[Wildecat]

It takes a lot of courage to bare your soul to the public, nice write.

[Sharon Miller Bolander]

No blame lays on the victim. Predators are sick in ways most of us can never understand, but we shall not excuse them for the stains they leave on their victims lives. I suspect writing helps a little, and you've expressed your feelings well. To step out of the shadows by telling the truth shows a strength to be admired. I wish you well. Sharon