Failed

just something I pounded out a few hours ago -

 

 

fingers fly,

race and trip over an unfamiliar keyboard

as the words pound, rhythmic inside her head

because she

can’t count when she sings,

and sometimes the pitches

clash within her ears –

 

she cannot tell good from bad, and though

her voice is a mimic of angels,

you don’t hear that

 

do you?

 

so she beats out lyrics in her

chest voice – her deep

intense voice that flutters and spins and

sometimes eve crashes with your memories,

dragging you in the wake. 

 

and for a second, you wonder

how she can reach so deep

 

but then your head clears and you remember –

she’s just another

failed singer. 

Author's Note

spelling, grammar, flow, etc - the basics :)

Reviews

[Ruby Moon]

i think its a nice piece bring across how superficial people are now a days...
they only take you "seriously" if you are "sucessful"

"and for a second, you wonder
how she can reach so deep

but then your head clears and you remember �
she's just another
failed singer."
but the fact that the singer can reach so deep...
doesn't that mean that she is successful?

someone else already pointed out the typo in stanza 4
but i am asking...is it a typo or did you really mean to put "eve"?
as in for the ryhme or to show that she tripped on her song?
or to make us (the readers) stop and think about it?
just asking *shurgs*

[Kara Emily Krantz]

i love this; i love how you're always open to suggestions, took, abotu flow and grammar and such. i'll take a closer look at it for you, just cuz you actually care, but my first reaction is that this is really great. there's so many singers out there... and in our cases, poets, and writers, or actors... that don't succeed in the eyes of many - they have 'failed' - however, it still remains a part of them. and just because they haven't achieved 'success' as far as society is concerned, doesn't mean that they're not incredible, breathtaking at their art...


"fingers fly,
race and trip over an unfamiliar keyboard
as the words pound, rhythmic inside her head
because she
can't count when she sings,"

the keyboard is unfamiliar? that sort of took me out of the scene, not sure where she is. but this is a great beginning -that was the only word that caused some dissonance for me

and sometimes the pitches
clash within her ears �

"she cannot tell good from bad, and though
her voice is a mimic of angels,
you don't hear that
do you?"

this sort of tossed me about a bid - she can't tell good from bad? as in, she can't tell if she's good? and the lines before that imply that she's offkey... but then again i get the impression that she's fantastic and we just don't get that... so i'm not sure what you were saying with those lines about pitches clashing

and then you move the question to theh reader - or the 'you' out there... i guess that sort of interrupted flow for me... but i get the point of it, so that's a tough one ;)

so she beats out lyrics in her
chest voice � her deep
intense voice that flutters and spins and
sometimes eve crashes with your memories,

even... typo.... and i like that verse a lot

and for a second, you wonder
how she can reach so deep
but then your head clears and you remember �
she's just another

failed singer.


i think that's a fantastic ending. sorry for getting so picky, but i just went with what i was thinking, knowing that you appreciate the feedback (and sometimes it's nice to know someoen cares that you're reading adn thinking abotu their work - actually working together ) :) :) but trust me, this is a great piece. i really love it actually

[Nesha]

So many beautiful singers in the world that have something to offer...Yet we still live in a society where we are in a rat race to make it big! Unfortunately, those of us that are talented are sometimes over looked...

Nice poem ;)

-Nesha