Ineffective Clean Slate

Is the title spelled right? *guilty frown* Not always beautiful, not always as clean as we like it - life is messy with dead-ends and snarls...

comb teeth sliding through hair and

catching on the snarls that

have weaved their way under skin

and into veins -

the secret one cannot hide

        cannot keep

from the light...

 

but with one twist of the handle the sink water

runs

floods the basin below,

cleans the mess

and removes the waste,

the dead-end broken hairs that

remain unseen evidence...

 

and later, will clog the drain...

Author's Note

again - another poem I just kind of wrote on the fly - tell me the basics and keep nothing back
brutality welcomed :)

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

Oh, this is an excellent metaphor. I really admire how you can take something so simple and mundane as brushing your hair and turn it into a complex and thorough metaphor for life's struggles (especially those brought on by family). You imagery is great - simple and direct but with layers of complexity. Well done!

I do, however, have one modest suggestion: the elipses that you use in the last line might be more effective if you end the second to last line with something other than another elipses. You might consider a comma or a dash instead. Also it might be worth it to consider encosing the last line in parentheses to make it almost an afterthought. These are matters of my own personal preference, however. :-)

[Robert Erickson]

lol you seem like a cool guy so ill give you my honest opinion, first off a snarl is a sound driven from an animal, i think you are confusing it with the word snag or scar, mixing the two or something, now a comb when compared to a raw animal could be personified as snarling but I'm not sure if that was your intention, the comb is catching on hair and snags under neath the skin? how is that physically possible? what is the secret and how does it relate to anything? you cant keep the secret out of the light? ok , again what secret? you don't imply that there is any need to keep it out of the light or that darkness is even relevant, my advice, personify darkness and use the light reference meaningfully instead of just saying it because it sounds cool, alright so your shaving? why do i care? how does this relate to me? does the shaving signify something personal with you? its unclear and unrecognizable, unseen evidence of what? your word choice is basic but not bad, but I'm not sure what your intentions are here, I'd commend you for leaving things open to interpretation but I'm not catching anything except a guy shaving with a secret important or unimportant, and a clogged drain.