hope

wrote this on the fly...hope it's good :)

hoping to expand

spread out

leak out, there

into the world where it is

thick and shaking.

 

hoping to crack this shell, this

casing and bring back feeling into

limbs.

 

hoping to shake off this dust layer

that clogs lungs

and traps, here.

 

 

Author's Note

brutality is welcomed :)

Reviews

[Kevin Andros]

A nice poem altogether. I don't think that there is any reason to be brutal. The feel of the peice is very good indeed and it kept my attention very well. But somehow or the other I felt that you have not spoke your heart openly enough. A reader may not get the true meaning hidden between the lines. In relation to this, I would like to quote a famos German song:

Ich will eure phantasie
Ich will eure energie
Ich will eure h�nde sehen
In beifall untergehen

Seht ihr mich
Versteht ihr mich
Fuhlt ihr mich
H�rt ihr mich
K�nnt ihr mich h�ren
K�nnt ihr mich sehen
K�nnt ihr mich fuhlen
Ich versteh euch nicht

A nice composition. But you may think of elaborating this a bit more. ~KA~

[Jaffa Forbes]

Cool poem, nicely written. You said brutality is welcomed... well, here goes, I'm not that good at being a critic though.
Personally, when I read this I don't feel any hope, surely the poem is about being in a sad and crazy place and yearning for something better? That's what I think. I think the words are good, but by changing the structure you might be able to give it more 'yearning' and make it a bit more 'frantic'. I hate it when people do this to my work, but you did say, so I am going to give you my version of your poem. Frankly, it's probably worse, but it might help you to understand what I'm trying to tell you.

"hoping...

To expand.
Spread out.
Leak out, there
in the world where it is

Thick.

And
shaking...

hoping...

to Crack this shell, this
casing, send shocked
feeling up these limbs.

hoping...

to shake the dust
that clogs lungs
and traps, here,

I am waiting..."

Alright, sorry, I got a bit carried away. Feel free to ignore all the above, but that's how I would have written it.

[jen -- JG]

I rather like this as it is. In a few words you describle the dark and claustrophobic feelings of despair yet you state you want out of that. It is a strong poem.

If anything, I might suggest you think about the positiong of the first stanza -- it works well as it is - could it be better as the last stanza? Just a thought.

Cheers

Jen