To be floating...

call it guilt, depression, whatever. Hope it's not cliched.

a weight

on me.

 

stupid anchor,

I could have sworn that

I kicked you, gained freedom

years ago but...

 

Obviously I was

so

wrong. 

 

rope and chain biting into my

flesh, red

worn skin that itches

underneath, between the surface and the

beneath. 

 

and all I can think of is how

great being

 

weightless

 

must be.

Author's Note

grammar, punctuation, images/feeling or style. Be brutal and mean. Thanks for reading

Reviews

[Robert Erickson]

its very nice and no real complaints from me, only one piece of advice ,

"and all I can think of is how

great being

weightless

must be."

this part comes off to me like
"and all i can think of is how, great being, weightless must be. "

like you are talking to god or a deity, the flow would be a little better if it was simply

"and all I can think of is

how great

being

weightless

must be."

something like that just seems to flow and read a little better to me

[PoemRodent]

Short and easy to digest. Well penned and the imagery and deliverance well written.

Hats off!!!

Love and Thoughts,

Dostani

[Candle in the wind]

Don't we all aspire for such weightlesness,freedom from fetters!!

[Drea]

Red worn skin that itches even down to the underneath. Now that is an anchor that weighs deep upon the soul.

[Brenda Sue]

Wonderfully penned. Great job.

[Emily B]

and all I can think of is how

great being



weightless



must be.


--That's exactly it. Awesome.

[jen -- JG]

Don't see how being brutal will will help but I will be honest.

first I do like it - the overall bitchy feel of anger fighting back, the sacastic reality of being found wrong.
Back to the feeling of being dragged under- weighed down yet in a kind of limbo - not quite under, not quite to the surface - between awareness as it were.

a double edge sword in the final lines - being weightless as in death - or weightless as in free.

Now to possible edits - my thoughts

Stupid anchor ( I'd suggest ! here. makes it a statement)

I could have sworn that ( drop the I here the next line has it )

Obviously I was

so ( delete so here )

wrong. ( ! )

makes it a stand alone sarcastic self comment


rope and chain biting into my

flesh, red

worn skin that itches ( delete worn here stops the flow and not needed)

underneath, between the surface and the ( drop and to a line by itself and delete the

beneath.

A few changes ( my thoughts on this) could make this a hard hitting piece.

Over all a good piece of writing.

Cheers

jen