You aren't the only one

Dealing with a loved one's suicide attempt

 

You aren’t the only one

That welcomes death

And the numbness that it brings

 

My choice would not be a gun

Or a knife

It would be large quantities of alcohol

Living my life teetering on the edge

It really would suit my indecisive personality

Mixed in with some recreational drugs

Nothing too hard or serious, just something

To break up the monotony

Of everyday routine drinking

 

I would have to throw aside any normal relationship

Or one that might attempt this

And use sex as an occasional release

Punish myself for being raped

Not once but twice

Or how about molested when I was young?

And it could make me feel loved

For a little while and then it would be gone

And go back to that vacuum that sits inside of

My soul where my innocence long ago

Resided

 

I would sleep in and be alone and wear it as a badge

Of courage, independence and f**k the establishment

And I would tell everyone that I was stronger than two

Than any relationship- cause I don’t need anyone

And even sometimes I would believe it

 

But when I need someone to really be there for me

I would be reminded of how wrong I was

And feel the hole that is the real me

The hole that I have filled with meaningless sex

Drugs, alcohol, parties, and friends who do the same

The hole that is a good person and wants to share that good person with you

I could fill that hole with something else

 

And watch myself slowly die

And not be responsible to anyone, not even myself

Because that would be easy, it really would

And sometimes even scarily fun

 

But I want to live better than my dysfunctional family

I want to be better than the darker side of me

I want to live not to spite

But in spite of those that hurt me

And I suppose I played with this option for awhile

Flirted with this lifestyle and watched others fall

Fall hard, fast with little to none of themselves to recover

Some died; some ruined their careers, or are in wheelchairs

Some are just in and out of rehab still living under the graces of their

Parents’ help at the age of thirty- divorced, broke, sad

And their once true selves forever altered

I have watched what could, can, and does happen

And I backed off

I chose a tougher hopefully more rewarding path

 

You tell me you would choose a quick and drastic exit

You cannot flirt with this- you cannot experiment with it

You will just die

And I will forever be altered- and shattered

And so will others you love who love you

Choose the harder path

Choose to tough it out with me

Choose to live despite those who have hurt you

Not to spite them

I want you to be here with me so I can love you the best I can

I have tried to live spitefully

And the only person I hurt was me

Please don’t hurt yourself

 

 

 

Reviews

[J.P.O.et]

This scares me, the part about how you could not be responsible to anyone
5th verse about the hole 'when I need someone to really be there for me'
isn't that what we all really want, someone to be there to count on
We all felt we had that at one point or another, I can relate
Awesome work
J.P.O.et