One Last Breath

What happens when you cannot write?

When you can only sit and feel?

Emotions running wild in your head

Your mind spins like a hamster’s wheel

 

What happens when there’s no release?

When the pain of life just builds

Like murky waters rising with no remorse

Seeking to drown your waning will

 

What happens when you reach that breaking point

And there’s nothing you can do

But watch the world keep spinning ‘round

While no one truly cares for you?

 

And what happens when you finally lose

The battle of your fading life?

When you feel your heart slowly giving out

So you give in    one last breath    then take the knife.

Author's Note

I decided I shouldn't have to post an explanation after each poem. Each person can interpret it how they wish and if anyone wants an explanation of why it was written, they are more than welcome to ask me.

Reviews

[Tommy]

You know I often wonder how long I will last. I suffer from Bi polar, and at times I don't think I will make it another day. I thank God that so far I have been able to hold on to His strength, because if it were not for him I would not be here. This is a great write, I love the pieces I can relate to the most, and this one hit home!

Nice work!
RLG,
Tommy

[little lily Bride of Ch..]

sounds like writers block but some thing else but not sure what i Hope all is well with you and your man.*Sighs*

[Mike Espinosa]

This is a great poem. Your use of questions as the bulk of the poem set the scene and mood splendidly. There are only a few stylistic problems I have with it.

"When the pain of life just builds" This is just a personal thing, but I don't like "just" as a synonym for "only." I think "only" would fit well, or no adverb before builds.

"And what happens when you finally lose / The daily battle of fading life?" I think the second line should have "your fading life" or "your life" at the end. This would be for the you/your repetition and clarity. This way it's that person's life, not all life.

"So you give in-one last breath-then take the knife." The dashes without spaces in between the words make the sentence structure weird. As if they are hyphenated or compound words. I think it should be "So you give in - one last breath - then take the knife."

Other than that, this poem is a great start. Good job.

[James Watts]

Sounds like writers' block turning fatal. But, then again, writers' block can be the most mind numbing experiences ever. I liked this and I agree that no explanation is needed. Everyone will pull their own thoughts out on what it means. Nice write.

[HorrorMaster]

Very good write

[zombiikillah666]

really good write (:

[alesuriko]

There are some parts where the flow feels slow and awkward, as though it's ready to pause but doesn't quite because it's in the middle of the line... I dunno, I'm really bad at describing things. There's just something about the rhythm sometimes that feels disrupted. It's a great flow/rhythm for the most part, I really like the smooth, rhythmic flow from word to word. I loved the hamster wheel bit, descriptive and very metaphorical. Good imagery in this piece.

[Tina Kline]

A very sad and tragic situation to be trapped in. I think it would only make negative dark feelings worse, give them power. Which in the end could result with someone wanting to take their own life. Very nicely written.

[Ruth]

I think its good when there is no explination, leaves the reader free to interpret in their own way:)
This is passionately moving!
A poem that renders the reader into the same land of emotion!
Nicely written hon
xx

[Undying Glory]

man this is just so sweet. that last stanza's the best in my opinion:
"And what happens when you finally lose
The daily battle of fading life?
When you feel your heart slowly giving out
So you give in one last breath then take the knife."
awesome