Drowning In Life

I waded into the pool of life

They told me that the water was nice

It was cool at first and crystal clear

But then the waters got rough

I wanted out

I couldn’t stay afloat

Life’s pool was just too tough

 

I tried to climb out of the water

To fade away in the afternoon sun

But a kind hand pulled me right back in

And told me to hold on

As I learned to manage the rippling waves

I started to offer my hand

Teaching others to stay afloat

And learn to stay in the pool

 

Then suddenly the waters around me

Began to stir a malevolent storm

Slammed over and over with vicious waves

The water changed its form

I looked around for the people I’d helped

They were nowhere to be found

I was on my own in the midst of the gale

Trying not to drown

 

Because years ago I’d been convinced

Not to give up on life

I stayed in and fought it out

But now it was getting way too tough

As I felt myself pulled beneath

The water’s shadowy depths

I gasped once more for breath

 

I saw some gasp in pity

As they watched me struggle to breathe

And no one dared to extend a hand

As I was sucked beneath

There was one still clinging to my arm

‘I’m sorry!  Can’t help you now’

I tried to push him off of me

‘Let me go!  Or we both will drown’

 

I took in the underwater scene

As I sunk way down below

Drowning slowly with no one there

Is surely the worst way to go

Author's Note

Not my best, but it wasn't really intended to be. Just trying to write out whatever it is that's inside me... It just doesnt seem to want to come out right! :) Anyway, comments and constructive criticism welcome on this one.

Reviews

[Norma M Sutton]

I like the comparison of water to life. It seems appropriate to me. We do enter into life with the excitement of becoming adults, then as we have added responsibility's, that gentle pool doesn't feel so gentle anymore. You have a nice way with words. They create very vivid metal images.

[Raef C. Boylan]

The extended metaphor of water representing life works well in this poem; it's been touched on before by others but you explore it thoroughly here and really make a good case for it.

I like how unpredictable the rhyme structure is -
like the first stanza goes: AABCDDC
then the second: EFGFHIDJ
and the third: KLMLNOPO
(some of those matching letters represent eye rhymes, consonant rhymes etc as well as perfect rhyme)
- because it's clearly still been crafted as it flows well, but the rhythm has to be guided by each individual stanza, which is cool. Slows the reader down a little instead of rushing through with hindsight of the beat.

The only constructive thing I can offer is to say there's an 'n' missing from the title. Overall, good work. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks very much for reviewing my story earlier.

[Raul Moreno]

Nice opening line, great descriptions...Raul

[deeps]

I really enjoyed this write here.
This is wonderful.

[The Analog Kid]

I like it alright. Seems like you will end up editing it after some suggestions. Seems like you want to see where it takes you...so we shall see. Hit me up again!