Drowning In Life

I waded into the pool of life

They told me that the water was nice

It was cool at first and crystal clear

But then the waters got rough

I wanted out

I couldn’t stay afloat

Life’s pool was just too tough

 

I tried to climb out of the water

To fade away in the afternoon sun

But a kind hand pulled me right back in

And told me to hold on

As I learned to manage the rippling waves

I started to offer my hand

Teaching others to stay afloat

And learn to stay in the pool

 

Then suddenly the waters around me

Began to stir a malevolent storm

Slammed over and over with vicious waves

The water changed its form

I looked around for the people I’d helped

They were nowhere to be found

I was on my own in the midst of the gale

Trying not to drown

 

Because years ago I’d been convinced

Not to give up on life

I stayed in and fought it out

But now it was getting way too tough

As I felt myself pulled beneath

The water’s shadowy depths

I gasped once more for breath

 

I saw some gasp in pity

As they watched me struggle to breathe

And no one dared to extend a hand

As I was sucked beneath

There was one still clinging to my arm

‘I’m sorry!  Can’t help you now’

I tried to push him off of me

‘Let me go!  Or we both will drown’

 

I took in the underwater scene

As I sunk way down below

Drowning slowly with no one there

Is surely the worst way to go

Author's Note

Not my best, but it wasn't really intended to be. Just trying to write out whatever it is that's inside me... It just doesnt seem to want to come out right! :) Anyway, comments and constructive criticism welcome on this one.

Reviews

[Norma M Sutton]

I like the comparison of water to life. It seems appropriate to me. We do enter into life with the excitement of becoming adults, then as we have added responsibility's, that gentle pool doesn't feel so gentle anymore. You have a nice way with words. They create very vivid metal images.

[Nianque]

It's amazing how you summed up life so quickly by using water. Makes me wonder why kids want to grow up so fast ?

[Elvina CZq]

A very good metaphor to describe life, and how people struggle to swim to the shore for some air. You really have taken my breath away on this write. Probably because I imagine myself in the water and how I would go through my struggling life. Besides, I don't know how to swim, so I can really picture myself struggle to float on the surface for air. Good write on this one.

[Denise Deas]

Using water as a metaphor for life is brilliant! It truly is like water, life. Very very creative and the poem itself is brilliant as well. Imagery is there well. Life really is how you describe it here. Very Very very nice!!

[aftervision]

i love the depth shown here -- rough water makes one want to run and seek high ground -- know that when one is drowning they will climb up on you to get air -- i love how you layed that out here

[gimpy]

I love how you use water to describe life life is ever changeing like the waves of water and often it takes people down

[An owl on the moon]

Your thoughts are filled with poignant, masterful expressions of life.. the depth of its waters often overwhelming the strongest swimmers. What you give us is an understanding of the ebb and flow that can come, and hopefully the courage to keep swimming. Excellent write!

[Indigo Ribbon]

Wow, that was really incredible. The imagery was intense and vivid, and the extended metaphor was breath taking! I really don't have any suggestions for you on this. I like it exactly as it is.

[SHAMARTRE']

Hey Cattie, Wee...{Mee and Mee Master Jaye,}...love it.
It sounds like a true story?..veeeeryeee interesting.
Wee love the way You kept it going in the next vs as if it is one paragraph...
I am going to try and read some more of Your poetry, but for now I do not have much time because I am working on My first Auto-Bio Poetry Book..
I am not a Professional, so Please Pray For Me.
You keep writing and this is a Blessed Site to be on...TRUST ME!
I Pray God Will Give Me The Time...HE KNOWS I LOVE POETRY....AMEN!
tTt-GOD-BLESS-YOU-CATTIE-tTt

[ms. barrie]

i really enjoyed this! great imagery. thank you so much for reviewing my poems

[Devons]

I think the message of this poem comes out really well. It brings to mind the fight for existence in the 'primordial soup'; and ultimately the survival of the fittest. The 2nd, 5th and 6th stanzas, are exceptional in this sense. Schematically too, they're good.

On a technical level, I really liked the cantering cadence that this piece has at times. However, I was left wanting a little more of it on a few occasions. Non-rhyming poems that have a good rhythm can read just like rhyming poems if executed well. I think here it sometimes felt as though it wanted to rhyme, but didn't.

Overall though, I really enjoyed this piece, for the three stanzas I mentioned alone.

PS. Don't forget the 'N' in the title!