War Of The Night (part 1)

Night falls and she's back against the wall

Her fingers grip the edge of her bed

Eyes shut tight she tries to control

The thoughts swirling round her head

 

They’re a dark and raging maelstrom

A mind-numbing legion of bees

They drown out everything around her

Hiding the light with ease

 

Its darkest just before the dawn

But the sun declines to rise

These thoughts, these feelings hold her fast

They’re plotting her demise

 

‘Nothing you can do!’ the darkness screams

As it stretches out its claws

Pulling her tight in its cold embrace

The light in her withdraws

 

Her heart pounds harder against her chest

She works for every breath

The darkness brings her to her knees

Her hand flies to her chest

 

‘Leave me alone!’ she wants to scream

But the words refuse to come

The thoughts of the night have stolen her breath

They leave her cold and numb

 

She fights to maintain control of her mind

To keep the light from dying

‘There’s always hope,’ she reminds herself

But in her heart she knows she’s lying

Author's Note

This poem is finished and yet unfinished. Its finished because that's all I could write. Unfinished, because I couldn't decide whether she and the light win or if the darkness wins. Its hard to put the end result into a poem like this because then its set in stone when in reality it changes every night. Again, I didn't quite mean for it to rhyme.. it just decided it wanted to and I couldn't get it to become free verse.
---
Okay, I added a second part to this. You can find it underneath my writings.

Reviews

[MissWordSmith]

as usual, touching and so wonderful! every time i read your work i am just dragged into your head and your thoughts. you have that ability.
in this piece i thought the rhyming was just PERFECT, nothing to improve on. and the flow was also PERFECT. nothing to improve on there either.
best of all though, was the message and your words. they just slide off of my tongue like butter when i read your work. its so smooth and just... lovely..
alright, now i will stop feeding your ego (just kidding :P)
have a great day, keep writing, and never let the darkness beat you. stay strong.

[JENY]

Your poems seem to be wafting feelings….that hurls the reader into deeper pits of pity…..and helplessness each time…..
You have that gift of traveling inward….
Which is a must for a poet….
Keep it up…

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

This poem reminds me of those nights when the brain just wont shut off.
I felt the anxiety and fear. Well done! well done.

[Sera]

this is a very well composed piece the part that really caught me was in the beginning , 'Night falls and she's back against the wall', i was picturing as if shes running from something, in the middle of the night ... good job

[mcg03002]

Ooooh. “A mind-numbing legion of bees…” That is freaking awesome, cattie. Bees are loud in numbers, and, the fact that they can sting makes the allusion even more sinister. Swarms can even be deadly, like painful thoughts that kill your sanity. You even carry the metaphor into the next line, “hiding the light with ease…” I can picture a dense cloud, a mass of buzzing insects, blocking the sun as it envelops my head.
I think the third line of the second-to-last stanza has a few too many syllables. Maybe you could say something like “Nighttime thoughts, like thieves, stole her breath…” Then, it would have eight syllables like the third line in the previous stanza “The darkness brings her to her knees…”
Awww. She knows she’s lying when she says “There’s always hope.” That line was a tear-jerker. There’s no worse feeling than when you don’t even dare hope anymore.
This is a very excellent poem. It expresses something that I wouldn’t have been able to put into words as eloquently as you did. I love how you can scale huge confusing emotions down to fit within the limits of the English language. Great job, as always.
Matt

[Saturn's Lover]

It's a great write. The subject is something so many people struggle with and the way you wrote it was magnificent with your choice of words and the flow. I really love it. I can definitely understand the finished/unfinished part to, story of our lives, right?

[Jenny Nelson]

I know what you mean by finished/unfinished, but I think this is great just the way it is. Very dark and strong. I think there's likely a lot of people that go through a struggle like this a time or two in their lives. Great description in this.

[deeps]

This is kind of suspenseful, I enjoyed this alot.
Very well written

[Wicahpi]

Good luck with making your decision.
I like it as it's written though I'd make one edit.

"the thought of night has stole her breath"

Otherwise, I think this just fine.
Creepy, but not to vile.

Blessings.

[Senseless whatever]

Great write. Panic in the mind, unseen, unfelt by any one but yourself. Anything can happen here. Love it.