Summer (excerpt 2)

a short excerpt from my book

                Summer frowned.  “What’s that?”

                Rolling his eyes, Kaelas pushed the bag towards her.  “Why don’t you open it and find out?”

                She hesitated a moment before reaching in.  “Oh!” she exclaimed.  What she pulled out was an embroidered red blouse.   Her eyes widened at his mother’s thoughtfulness.  It was long sleeved but made with thin breathable material.  Perfect.

                “There’s some regular stuff in there too like a toothbrush and stuff for your hair.  She said she wasn’t sure what size you wore so she didn’t get a lot.  She’ll take you with her to go shopping when she gets back.”

                “I can’t pay you guys back for this stuff, Kaelas.”  She folded the blouse and placed it back in the bag. 

                Kaelas threw his hands in the air, making her jump.  “When are you going to get it through your head?” he demanded.  “Really!  We don’t expect you to pay us back for anything.  We’re not doing this because we have to.  It’s because we want to help!  Besides what are you going to do?  Wear that for the rest of your life?  Good god, Summer, I don’t know what to do with you!”

                 “I’m sorry…”

                “You just don’t get it,” he said.  He leaned forward, his face inches from hers.  “You’re amazing,” he breathed.  “You’re beautiful and smart.  And you don’t even know it!  God, don’t you see what you’re doing to me?”

                “You can’t love me.”  She barely whispered the words as her eyes filled with tears.

                “I do.  That’s the problem!  I’ve loved you since I met you but you just can’t see it!”

                “Stop…”

                “No, you stop!  I’m tired of hiding how I feel because you’re scared to believe that you’re worth something.  You’re wrong!  Those other people in your life, they’re all idiots!  They’re stupid and they should all lay down and die right now for the things they’ve done to you!  Yet its THEM you continue to go back to when the person who cares the most about you, no, God forbid you allow yourself to go to him.”

                “You know I don’t mean to.  You should know you’re the most important person to me.  But I haven’t been able to just get up and walk away from my life, Kaelas!”

                “And who’s the one who’s offered to protect you?  Who’s the one who takes you in whenever everything goes wrong?  Who’s the one that holds you and reassures you that everything’s going to be okay?  Marcus?  Your mother?  I don’t think so.”

                She bit her lip as the tears began to overflow, coursing their way down her cheeks.

                “When are you going to stand up and look me in the eye?  When are you going to face it?”

                “There’s nothing to face!  I’m nothing, Kaelas!”

                Summer’s eyes widened as he closed the space between them in two steps.  Her breath caught in her throat as he reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of her hand. 

                “Do you love me?” he asked quietly.  “Or am I just wasting my breath?”

                “Kaelas, you’re my best friend.  I can’t"“

                He shook his head, interrupting her.  “Do you?” he asked.  He cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look him in the eye.

                “Yes,” she whispered.

                His face softened.  “Then stop pushing me away.  Trust me.”

                Summer’s heart raced as he leaned forward, pressing her back against the wall. His strong hands held hers in place with little effort at all.  She felt a chill run through her body as she looked into his eyes.  They were full of fury and passion, but the softness that was unique to him still shone through.  She had no idea what he was going to do, what he was thinking, and yet she did know... and she was almost afraid that he would back away.

                “Kaelas…”  But before she could get the words out, his lips brushed her mouth, first timidly than passionately, furiously… as if she would change her mind.  She felt him pull back, his hot breath on her cheek. 

                “I’m sorry,” he said.  He looked into her eyes for a moment, trying to read her thoughts.

                “No,” she breathed.  “Don’t stop.”  She looked up at his red flushed face, her eyes yearning for him to come back.

                “I swear I love you, Summer,” he said.  “I mean it.”

                “I believe you.”  Her body tingled with desire as his lips collided with hers.  As terrified as she was, she knew she wanted this.  She ached to feel the love she’d run away from for so long. 

                Closing her eyes as if to shut out the fear and distrust that so easily overwhelmed her, she opened herself up and softly melted into his warm embrace. 

               

Author's Note

I find that scenes like this are the hardest for me to write. I'm really interested in how it flows, how well it reads, and whether it engages or bores the reader. I haven't decided whether I like it or not yet. Comments & constructive criticism more than welcome. Thanks all.

Reviews

[Emotiionsz]

Lovely ! i love scene! "Kaelas threw his hands in the air, making her jump. “When are you going to get it through your head?” he demanded. “Really! We don’t expect you to pay us back for anything. We’re not doing this because we have to. It’s because we want to help! Besides what are you going to do? Wear that for the rest of your life? Good god, Summer, I don’t know what to do with you!” " that throw me off guard in a good way like its filled with emotion! lovely keep it up!

[PaperHearts]

Are you kidding me!? This was fantastic! =P Your characters were captivating, relatable, and certainly well-thought out. As the reader, I could tell a lot about the characters from the dialogue, which was certainly an indication of how well you understood the inner workings of both Summer and Kaelas. This is definitely a book that I'd love to read. :)
~PaperHearts

[Ken C.]

"Kaelas threw his hands in the air, making her jump." I love love love this! You clearly know this Summer character very well. Her micro-reaction tells everything about her, and all of her dialogue fits perfectly within the picture I instantly got from this one sentence.
Now, it could be that I'm not the audience that you're writing for, but the scene does come off as a little bit cheesy. (Just during the second half, really.) Adding some "weird details" would really help make the scene more believable. The first example that comes to my mind that you could add to this is some elbows awkwardly bumping against a wall, or a lamp being pushed toward the edge of a table in the corner of their eyes by a wandering body part.
(One more small thing that jumped out at me was the unnecessary comma between "a moment," and "before reaching," near the beginning.)
These are really pretty minor things. Things you should be able to do in about twenty minutes... and I think would really improve the scene.
Ending on a good note, I really like your word choice. "...as his lips collided with hers." The word "collided" fits so well here! It reflects her conflicting desire and hesitation.
Good job! I liked reading it.

[Doreen]

This is a very good scene. I was sucked in and forgot about everything around me. This is something I find important in a good read. The dialogue is natural and flows very well.

The one thing that I would tell you to look at is your use of adverbs - the 'ly words. Go through the piece and see if you can eliminate the adverbs. There is always a stronger way to say something than to use an adverb.

You have talent. You write extremely well.

[Manda]

wow this was so awesome! i loved this! well done! =)

[Ruth]

Nice structure to this and great atmosphere:) Really nice write! xx

[Senseless whatever]

Well I would say this is a very good write. The flow is good and even. You don't seem to rush into anything with the story line. You have given just enough information to keep the reader engaged with openings to expand the characters as the story progresses. Good job.

[Undying Glory]

nice chapter, and you're right, they are quite difficult to write...u need just the right amount of description, actions, feelings...etc. i'd love to read this book and see how it turns out. good job

[Daniel Gardner]

I like it but of course you know my quarks with it. You are sitting across the room after all.

[JenLyn]

Very good writer. I can so relate to this as well, I came from a family that didn't really care about me and my (now husband) was always there for me but I often pushed him away until I felt worthy of being loved but now all is good and I feel almost perfect, and very complete. Anyway the dialogue was great, the story pulled me in so much that I wanted to keep reading as it stopped. I think you definitely know what you're doing. I have a novel that I put on the back shelf for awhile, they're not easy to write, you have to know what you're doing and YOU DO! So keep it up! Don't stop with this story just because you get stuck or feel like you've come down with a case of writers block because it has so much potential. KUDOS to you girly! 100/100