Summer (excerpt 2)

a short excerpt from my book

                Summer frowned.  “What’s that?”

                Rolling his eyes, Kaelas pushed the bag towards her.  “Why don’t you open it and find out?”

                She hesitated a moment before reaching in.  “Oh!” she exclaimed.  What she pulled out was an embroidered red blouse.   Her eyes widened at his mother’s thoughtfulness.  It was long sleeved but made with thin breathable material.  Perfect.

                “There’s some regular stuff in there too like a toothbrush and stuff for your hair.  She said she wasn’t sure what size you wore so she didn’t get a lot.  She’ll take you with her to go shopping when she gets back.”

                “I can’t pay you guys back for this stuff, Kaelas.”  She folded the blouse and placed it back in the bag. 

                Kaelas threw his hands in the air, making her jump.  “When are you going to get it through your head?” he demanded.  “Really!  We don’t expect you to pay us back for anything.  We’re not doing this because we have to.  It’s because we want to help!  Besides what are you going to do?  Wear that for the rest of your life?  Good god, Summer, I don’t know what to do with you!”

                 “I’m sorry…”

                “You just don’t get it,” he said.  He leaned forward, his face inches from hers.  “You’re amazing,” he breathed.  “You’re beautiful and smart.  And you don’t even know it!  God, don’t you see what you’re doing to me?”

                “You can’t love me.”  She barely whispered the words as her eyes filled with tears.

                “I do.  That’s the problem!  I’ve loved you since I met you but you just can’t see it!”

                “Stop…”

                “No, you stop!  I’m tired of hiding how I feel because you’re scared to believe that you’re worth something.  You’re wrong!  Those other people in your life, they’re all idiots!  They’re stupid and they should all lay down and die right now for the things they’ve done to you!  Yet its THEM you continue to go back to when the person who cares the most about you, no, God forbid you allow yourself to go to him.”

                “You know I don’t mean to.  You should know you’re the most important person to me.  But I haven’t been able to just get up and walk away from my life, Kaelas!”

                “And who’s the one who’s offered to protect you?  Who’s the one who takes you in whenever everything goes wrong?  Who’s the one that holds you and reassures you that everything’s going to be okay?  Marcus?  Your mother?  I don’t think so.”

                She bit her lip as the tears began to overflow, coursing their way down her cheeks.

                “When are you going to stand up and look me in the eye?  When are you going to face it?”

                “There’s nothing to face!  I’m nothing, Kaelas!”

                Summer’s eyes widened as he closed the space between them in two steps.  Her breath caught in her throat as he reached out and brushed her cheek with the back of her hand. 

                “Do you love me?” he asked quietly.  “Or am I just wasting my breath?”

                “Kaelas, you’re my best friend.  I can’t"“

                He shook his head, interrupting her.  “Do you?” he asked.  He cupped her chin in his hand, forcing her to look him in the eye.

                “Yes,” she whispered.

                His face softened.  “Then stop pushing me away.  Trust me.”

                Summer’s heart raced as he leaned forward, pressing her back against the wall. His strong hands held hers in place with little effort at all.  She felt a chill run through her body as she looked into his eyes.  They were full of fury and passion, but the softness that was unique to him still shone through.  She had no idea what he was going to do, what he was thinking, and yet she did know... and she was almost afraid that he would back away.

                “Kaelas…”  But before she could get the words out, his lips brushed her mouth, first timidly than passionately, furiously… as if she would change her mind.  She felt him pull back, his hot breath on her cheek. 

                “I’m sorry,” he said.  He looked into her eyes for a moment, trying to read her thoughts.

                “No,” she breathed.  “Don’t stop.”  She looked up at his red flushed face, her eyes yearning for him to come back.

                “I swear I love you, Summer,” he said.  “I mean it.”

                “I believe you.”  Her body tingled with desire as his lips collided with hers.  As terrified as she was, she knew she wanted this.  She ached to feel the love she’d run away from for so long. 

                Closing her eyes as if to shut out the fear and distrust that so easily overwhelmed her, she opened herself up and softly melted into his warm embrace. 

               

Author's Note

I find that scenes like this are the hardest for me to write. I'm really interested in how it flows, how well it reads, and whether it engages or bores the reader. I haven't decided whether I like it or not yet. Comments & constructive criticism more than welcome. Thanks all.

Reviews

[Ashley Black]

i love it. it's very very nice and i enjoy reading your stories :) you inspire me!

[Elvina CZq]

So far, this is an okay scene. It's not so bad (don't worry, there's no buts, lol). The dialogues are perfectly fine. They flow naturally without feeling the moment of hesitation or a pause. Again, I enjoy this story. Maybe no more excerpt, and post the whole story instead...? haha, I really like it :)

[Samuel Dickens]

This needs a little editing, mostly for punctuation, but overall it's a very good piece of writing. Many have trouble writing dialogue, but you've done an excellent job of it. Some folks just have the knack, and I think you're one of them.

[James Watts]

She hesitated a moment, before reaching in. ( omit comma after moment)

“No you stop! I’m tired of hiding how I feel because you’re scared to believe that you’re worth something. (comma after No)

“Kaelas, you’re my best friend. I can’t"(Nothing wrong here lol. I have heard that line recently, sort of hit home.)

Nice story. Well written.

[mcg03002]

Okay, I am ready for the next part of this story now!

[Jessica Mai]

This is brilliant, captivating, and awesomely written. Hope your going to publish the whole book soon!

[mcg03002]

Holy crap! I freakin LOVE this! I just emailed a link to my friend so he could read it too. You are a talented writer. The fact that your characters have depth, and that I feel completely wrapped up in their struggles after only a page of text speaks to your ability to engage the reader. Awesome. I wanna know what happens. NOT BORING. LIKE IT.

[Cleve Sylcox]

Sounds like a winner! Bravo!

[Flicker and Sparkle]

I liked it. The flow of it seems to be pretty good. I didn't really get caught off gaurd by anything jarring. Your dialogue seems in place and everything. So, no worries there. I think you're good all around. It definately kept me interested.

[Katie Louise Hughes]

This was a nice read, I'm not much a reviewer though lol! I say keep up the writing, you never know until you try. Thanks :)