Abandonment

We started out as the best of friends

There were hours and hours of time we’d spend

Carnivals and late night talks

I gave you my feelings, my heart in a box

 

Then slowly things began to change

As the night sky fades our bond does too

Abandoned again, left estranged

We only talk when its convenient for you

 

Pushed aside again and again

You leave me to sit and wonder when

Instead of simply telling me why

You leave me alone, my heart to die

 

It hurts to see you smile at me

Seeing how far gone we are

You only come for the emergency

Or to talk on the phone from afar

 

And even when the need is dire

You come begrudgingly, like there’s no fire

As if I called you just to see

If you would come to rescue me

 

If you’re supposed to display such love

Why do I feel discarded?  Pushed aside?

As if I’ve become the blackened dove

And all you’re doing is trying to hide

 

I thought I’d gotten over crying

Over all of these people lying

Abandonment is my foremost fear

You know that, yet you never appear

 

Maybe you’re simply protecting you

Meaning I’m no good, they all were right

I’m nothing but gum under someone’s shoe

No matter how hard I try, it won’t be alright

 

I don’t know how to cope with this

The only hope I had no longer exists

So I’m stuck here alone trying to breathe

Wishing you didn’t decide to leave

Reviews

Very, very nice. Consistent meter (something that is a rarity around these parts), creative mix of rhyme scheme and a powerfully emotional poem.

Hmm. Although I can't say it doesn't have it's problems. In a way I do like how the rhyme scheme isn't static, but it does throw me off a little as I had to readjust each stanza. That said I've done the same thing myself with one of my own poems (to a more drastic scale) so I can't criticise you on that.

The first two lines of your second stanza are too short. Blunt perhaps, but it is that simple. I perhaps would suggest this instead:

"Then slowly things began to change
The days go by as they always do"

Or perhaps more poetically, "as seasons change our bond does too", although that line would be transplanting my own style on to yours, which probably wouldn't mesh well. It's not massively hard to adjust though so I'm sure you can imagine something yourself.

In the line "You’re only come for the emergency" I'm quite sure you meant to type something else; "you're only come" looks like you typed one thing, changed your mind and wrote something else without fully deleting the first iteration.

You can drop "only" from the line "Why do I only feel discarded? Pushed aside?" as it adds two syllables you don't need. On the upside, I particularly like the line "As if I’ve become the blackened dove".

The only other thing bothering me is the use of "ne'er" in the line "You know that, yet you ne’er appear". I do not understand why people do this; if I do not naturally drop the sound out of a word then removing it via apostrophe will not make me do otherwise, and usually it does nothing to affect the meter of the line whatsoever (which is the main reason you would drop a sound). A personal pet peeve of mine though, so don't worry too much on that one. It need not be changed.

Although as I already said, I still liked the poem even if it has its little hiccups here and there. I don't think it needs explanation or exploration; this is simply an emotion distilled into words that almost anyone can read and understand instantly. Poetry of this level of substance are rare indeed.

[Jessica Mai]

Wow, this touched me. This actually made me feel the feelings of abandonment described in the poem. And I'm loving the rhymes! A really good rhythm and flow too.

[Jamie S.]

I can feel the emotion in the pit of my stomach reading this poem. Just keep breathing......Nice work and thank you for the review :)

[deeps]

This is wonderful, Kind of sad but well written.

[Storyteller of Dimensio..]

Great poem! Especially when I'm getting into this position more and more every passing day. It's a painful position as this poem describes and a new situation hardly anybody knows ho cope with. At last I would like to add one of my favorite quotes:
"Despair is for those who know exactly how the future is going to be. Nobody is in that position."

[Another Relic]

You've written this poem very well Cattie. We can see it came from some deep seated feelings within you and your rhyming skills helped to convey those expressions well. A sad and unfortunate tale.

[ashley]

Wow, this is just... wow. Amazing poem, so sad. The emotions are crystal clear, you did a fantastic job. Wow.

[Daniel Gardner]

love it

[Tina Kline]

The awful pain of abandonment and not even knowing why. That hurts and leaves a person wondering what they did wrong. I think you did a wonderful job on this piece.