[untitled]

My man is in love with Mary Jane.

She is so hot when she calls his name

 

He runs for miles just to catch a glance

I know with her he will dance the last dance

 

She is his one love, and always will be

Sadly I know this, it will never be me

 

He courted her young, she stole his heart

As he grew up, he knew they never would part

 

She laughs in his face when he asks for more

He thinks she’s a lady, when in fact she’s a w***e

 

He used to be open and show her off

Seemed surprised when I began to cough

 

Since then he began his affair with her

Hides in his shed, to not cause a stir

 

But I always know when her love he sips

I can smell her sweet perfume on his lips

 

It saddens my heart and turns me away

From my one love I have begun to sway

 

I don’t want to be a woman cheated upon

But he leaves me no choice, soon I will be gone.

 

Author's Note

restored

Reviews

[Eric]

You are clever. Very, very clever. And I could have used 23 more "clevers" before thinking about stopping. I hope this isn't the same person you've written about in your other pieces. If so, you have quite the delima on your hands.

Good luck with that.

[Dennis Shanaberg]

The concept and execution of the symbol were fantastic. I'm fascinated by how well you held to the imagery you set up in the first lines of the poem. Most of the poem flowed quite well, but there were a few lines where it just felt as though perhaps you were trying too hard for a rhyme, or that maybe with a few less syllables the line would have flowed much better.
Other than that, fantastically done. Keep it up.

[Diane]

The poem has a delightful simplicity about it, which is reflected in the images of the 'love-object', the dance-floors and the other places where the man in the poem seeks romantic satisfaction. I feel that these images act as a foil to the actual seriousness and sadness of the situation. Sympathies are definitely with the 'I' of the poem, who knows what she wants, while 'he' is guided simply by primitive, physical urges. Gary H R.i.p. put forward an interesting suggestion that the 'love object' of the poem is, perhaps, not real. This idea, of course, introduces another perspective to the poem, where the conflict can be found in the differences between two people, rather than in the introduction of a third person. A thought-provoking poem. Diane

[Blackbirdsong]

There are pov shifts in this poem and I can't always tell who the "she" in question is. First it seemed like a man and his wife with the narrator speaking about liking him but knowing it was hopeless. Then it was about a wronged wife describing her husband's affair with another woman.

I think the problem is that you shift "she" between the narrator and the other woman so that it's a bit confusing at times.

Nice couplet form though. You kept the meter and rhyme scheme throughout and it never felt forced.

[Drunkindruid]

Once again well done. The train leaves the station every hour, get the next one.

[Tai Chi Italy]

Aww this is a sweetly very sad write, I like the couplets form and the lymeric style flow. Yes never settle for second choice V, that would be just cheating yourself respect. Smiling at you, Tai

[R J Askew]

a sad little saga but lightly told in a tight pattern with working rhyme...sort of 10 syllables line scheme. I wonder if title might be stronger...'A Woman Cheated Upon' ? I think this would read well aloud and even sounds like a lyric.

[Gandré]

This poetry is something like a folks poetry like in an ethnic book of stories ...I felt vey well with this one. it remembers me at my time in Slovakia. Slavic folks have such traditions and they celebrate and such text is being spoken between their traditional dances, it also reminds me to their folks songs about love and daily life. such a poem always bears a moral wisdom, and yours, does too.

a great cute sweet poem.

[Twilight Dancer]

WOW ... great write, be it true or imaginative! The flow is easy, the imagery great, the message all so clear. It saddens me that 'your love' has strayed, more so:

It saddens my heart and turns me away
From my one love I have begun to sway

the pain you are feeling. Yet, you project a woman of substance and when to draw the line, as indicated in your ending:

I don�t want to be a woman cheated upon
But he leaves me no choice, soon I will be gone.

I really like this write... TD :)

[Gary H]

Felt something mysterious here, almost as though the woman that 'he' desired was not real and that he was avoiding the other one. Maybe he had a vision in his heart and couldn't move on from his true love?
Very good write and interesting. Still thinking about this one now.....