a nightmare

a fairy tale of love

 Once upon a time. In a land not so far away. There was a young man who was in love with a young girl. This young man was not rich in material possessions. Yet he was disgustingly gifted in not-so-material ways. He was the type of young man that transcended what is termed "attractive" in the youth of today. It was what is called "classic" good looks. He walked into a restaurant and more than a fair share of the young maidens cast a longing eye toward him. It was rumored that the mothers of those fair maidens may have as well. Of course as is common with such special young people, he had an obvliviousness to this attention, and merely smiled that beaming smile of his and went about his way. 

There was a young girl. Who was as beautiful as she was intelligent, (which was a rare find in the land of which she dwelt).  This young girl loved and loved and loved, not in the sexual, needy way that often comes to mind when that statement is uttered. But in a pure, honest way, she simply loved her fellow humans and no man could stand next to her love for God. She was simply....well perfect is a cliche, yet she was simply that, she was...perfect. Her eyes and smile where what drew them to her. Men, men who did not have the purest of thoughts or desires, and she trusted them and they, whom should not be trusted, hurt her. She carried this hurt in a big pile tied to a chain, dragging behind her. She never knew how she would get rid of this heavy load. 

And since this is a fairy tale, (the author assumes all rights to tell it as he likes); The young man and aformentioned young woman meet. Now it is said, (and if it isn't it should be), that when two special people meet the heavens open up and God himself looks down and smiles. For when two special people meet there is true love in sight and true love should never be missed out on. How do you know its true love you ask? Well have you ever seen two people, not young teenagers cause their true love fountain are on overdrive and can be transferred person to person faster than a hummingbird buzzes the rose watchtower... but two people who have been together and have seen it all and both have the t-shirt, when two people like that are obliviously walking down the mall, yet see only each other. You know what I mean? I think you do...Well this is the case with our young woman and young man....The heavens resounded and the angels sang when our post-pubescent paramours longingly gazed into each others eyes that first time...That was over a year ago.

The young woman, came to the young man one starry evening, as he stood out on his balcony, his favorite place. He would often go out there to think and search himself, he often talked to God in this place...it was such a lovely evening as evenings go...the wind was cool and refreshing, the stars bursting with excitement, the moon seemed closer than usual...it seemed as though all the earth and heavens were attempting to eavesdrop, without being obviously noticed. The girl seeing only him, grew near, grasped his curly brown hair in her hands and brought his head to meet hers. 

A kiss. Is there anything more intimate than a kiss. Sex can be done from a distance...the mind can wonder and think of other things...but during a kiss can one truly dwell on anything else? I think not, nor do I wish to find out. 

So our young couple are kissing and as only young couples tend to do, with all of the emotion and feeling that truly transcends the actual act of lip dancing. This kiss has to go down as one of the all time greats, the moon hadn't blushed so much since Romeo kissed Juliet. The young man smiled as he drew away, the solemn brave string of bonded spittle hanging on for dear life, he leaned his forehead on hers and gazed adoringly into her eyes, for he truly did adore her. She closed her eyes, hiding the hurt. She always hid the hurt from him. She loved him, for the first time in her life she actually loved another. She was so scared, trust and honesty were not easy for her, yet he expected those things even to the point of demanding it. It was hard on her, being with him, she gave so much to him that she lost herself in their relationship. Yet she knew it was hard on him too, she just did not know how hard it was.

He remained strong, always on the outside he was strong...yet she knew him and knew the burden of hurt that he carried. She just did not know it was her burden he was chained to. She did not know that as he watched her sleep at night, as he saw her struggle through the nightmares of past hurt...she did not know and never knew that he prayed and wept to God herself; that his love's burden would be taken and placed on him. She did not realize that he took metaphorical bolt cutters to her metaphorical chain that was seemingly tied to her. In the metaphorical world don't f**k with the bolt cutters. 

He knew that she knew. That this hurt was driving a wedge between them. The two special people were not so special anymore. They both lost something because of his undertaking, yet she did not know how or why. What do you say when the love that is truly one of a kind, is somehow corrupted, is somehow mistaken and misunderstood. They lost their innocence...This was over six months ago.      

Yesterday...she got into a white dress and walked down a white aisle, lined with white roses.

Reviews

[MrJodie]

Normally, I try to only make positive comments. It's good to encourage authors. However, sometimes I see talent but the story itself needs a great deal of work, so constructive criticism is needed. This is one of those pieces. You obviously have a good grasp of description and a clear intent in mind, as far as the purpose of your story. This is a parable. Plain and simple. The story, star-crossed lovers destined to spend their lives together but who carry the baggage of past injuries, isn't all that original. Still, it's a classic tale with a few genuinely tender moments and people love a good romance, even if it is meant to preach a moral. History is full of those.

If you really want to captivate your readers, make the characters more personal. Give them sweet or common names that make them accessible. Describe human flaws, frailty that makes them less cartoonish and infinitely more real. These are both damaged and fragile characters that need to live and breathe.

Lastly, I'll agree with Veronica, the font is very difficult to read (especially for people who use a really high resolution on smaller screens) and the story changes tenses and state many times, which makes it very confusing. One moment you're in the past tense, describing what they're thinking and the next you're using present tense, third person narrative. The ending, while poetic, really needs to be more... well, more.

I hope these comments help you. Don't stop writing. As I said in the beginning, the talent is there. Every spark just needs a little encouragement. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Vera Iconica]

I don't really understand the ending, and I hate the font. It makes it really hard to read.
Especially with your wandering story. First you'll be tlaking about the two lovers, and then you'll start using similes, and comparing it to other things. It makes it a little hard to follow.

Other than that it was pretty good.