Succubus

love can be demeaning and demanding but necessary.

Succubus

 

She drains the life from my veins,

I stand empty with bones showing.

She means well, but for whom she means,

is beyond me.

 

With brown hair and red beady eyes,

sharp claws and meaty hands,

she stalks the night,

waiting for her next meal.

 

Tell her she is pretty and those words will be devoured,

ripped from the soul,

then she will simply brush you away,

leaving you cold and alone.

 

Only me shackled here,

in some kind of chamber,

she calls it home,

I call it hell.

 

I lost her trail a while back,

the screaming had died down,

If you find her, put her in the lost and found,

leave her there, and dont give a second thought to it.

 

If you have a weapon, kill her,

before she shreds your morals,

If you dont find her, I will

she comes back to the family, all too soon.

 

She always hurts the ones she loves,

the ones she shouldnt hurt at all,

In my case,

I have been battered,

and left for dead.

 

Reviews

[ScaryTrees]

This piece has some powerful imagery
This chick scares me

this stanza:

"I lost her trail a while back,

the screaming had died down,

If you find her put her in the lost and found,

leave her there and dont look back."

is my favorite; although you may want to try to use "back" only once-
especially in the same stanza

as a matter of fact, you could really trim the whole piece down a little
with some creative editing it could be even more powerful

For instance:
1st stanza
"She drains the life from my veins,

I stand with jagged bones showing.

She means well, but for whom she means,

is way beyond me."

How about:

she drains life from my veins
i stand all skin and jagged bones
she means well, but for whom
is beyond me

3rd stanza:
"Tell her shes pretty and she will eat those words,

rip them from the soul,

then just brush you away,

empty and cold."


how about:

you tell her she is pretty
she devours your words
then she'll brush you away
empty and cold

also check for typos and punctuation is"morels" supposed to be morals
a morel is a mushroom :lol:

anyway just some suggestions
i'm trying to be constructive in a positive way
so don't get mad ;)

I do like the piece