Raw

i wrote this in july of 2020, it was a very rough time for me and this poem was means of coping with what had happened between me and my ex. i hope you enjoy the emotion in it.

im speechless

i'm stuck in quicksand

every second a limb goes under

 i realize reality as it crosses my mind

when it manifests my focus dims everywhere else

a toxic vignette forms around you; only around you

your smile curses me as i've never seen your frown

i never thought your lips could curl that way

nor did i think it would twist for me to begin with

i write fervorously at the thought you see my movement in the words i place

i want to think that you see me

but many other perspectives have taught me you want me to the back of your head

you wish to remove me from the sweet whispers you hear before you fall asleep

i should've known i couldn’t have it all

recognition of my habits curses me

i know the error of my ways

i stay stuck as my best efforts only worsen our status

i stare at the sky facing east

i can’t tell where my thoughts travel anymore

i hate being stuck here

where i can’t do a cliché “take me back” act in the rain while knocking at your door

i'd do it all to see you

but that pushes you farther

i hate to be forceful

i hate this state of mind

i remember waking up to feel in love

being high without needing a hit

is it wrong to want that back?

it kept me alive and made me want to sprout taller above all else

now i'm just lost

lost in the thrill of it all

yet i must force my mind away from that

back to the cold mindset of ruthless self-hatred and a gross want to be ‘right’

and throwing up familiar quotes in the hope they resonate

in the pure hope you check on me

because i feel that i am too weak to accept the reality that you are gone

i hold on to the weak hope that i can take a trip and by chance see your speckled face

far in the future as time seems to cure the wounds that words can’t heal

my advances are venomous

so they’ll cease and will stay that way

but those are my sweet nothings now

the thought that maybe one day i could find the right thing to say and say it to your face

that’s why they’re sweet nothings; it’s just to get through the days.

Author's Note

i wrote this while in a very anxious state so forgive me if anything is improper, i thought that not fixing any small mistakes would add to the feeling of the poem overall.