Candle in the Dark

A Story by Jen

Anna feels that her life is meaningless. She wants nothing more to end her pain, and then begins to plan her death date. With the date approaching rapidly, Anna has to make up her mind quickly, if only there was someone to deiced for her. Will someone not

Dear Familey.

If you are reading this, that might mean I'm dead. Very sorry about that but really. I didn't have a choice. Or maybe I'm not dead. Really, I am writting this two weeks before I do die. So maybe there was something to change my mind, or someone found this and saved me. That dosen't matter, what matters is that you are reading htis, and I may or may not be dead. How about I answer some questions, that is what these notes are all about, right? Okay, how about I start when the idea first came to mind....

"Look at these grades, just simply awful!" Complained mother. I sighed, she must hate such an imperfect child. "You are in the 7th grade, you should be doing better then D's and F's!" I tried to block our her words. I failed. "Are you listing? You aren't going to get anywere in life if you continue like this! Just think what your father is going to ay when he gets home!" Tears threaten to burst. I try to controll them. A door opens, and a tired greeting is heard. "Honey, just look at this report card! She hasn't changed a bit!" Mother rushes over to father, leaving me standing in the kitchen, despratly trying to hold back the tears. I hear father's voice, "I can not believe this. Anna, get over here!" I force myself to move, I was shaking. Hopefully no one will notice. "This is not accetable! You are going to change these bad grades!" I remain silent, only able to do a quick nod. A tear escapes. Mother icy voice cuts through me, "Oh no, don't you dare start crying!" It's as if the sharpness in her voice cuts the chains I made to hold back the tears, and a rive of them flow down my cheek . "I'm sorry." I whispered, now trying not to sob. Why was my lie like this? I had no friends, everyone at school hated me, I live in this swrilling darkness, and my familey ignores me. I wanted it to end, but how? "Go to your room and do your homework! No games, no crying, but work!" They yell. I run to my room, slam the door and sob into my pillow. Why was life so unfair? How can I end these dreadful emotions? There was a way. The thought caught me of graud. Why would I think of anything like that? Why not? There was a way, and I knew it. I had to die.

Did you guys ever make an atempt to understand me? No, becuase I was a teen. When you have a kid, and the kid is little, they need you to survive. How to tie a shoe, how to use a spoon, and all of that stuff. But as they grow up, you think they don't need you anymore .You may not relixe it, but that is what you are doing. You begin to ignore the emotinale part of the child, and you think they should know everything. Well, I didn't know anything, so why live if I was going to be stupid forever? I had to plan out how I would die, to make it as painless as possible. Pills maybe, or should I go for the pain and cut? I gave it alot of though. Only one and half more weeks to go and I'm still not sure.

Drowning. Cutting. Drugs. Hanging. The list seemed endless, but I had to choose one. I could never be sure which is the best one, I never tried to die before. Would it work? Would I chiken out at the last second? What was I going to do? I had no idea, but I didn't have time to think about this. Drowning seemed cool, but rather painful. Drugs seemed a rather painless was to go, but were would I get hte drugs? Hanging sounded just afwul. So little time but so much to do. I guess I'll settle for cutting and drowning. It sounded painful, but maybe I should be in pain as punishment. I undetstand what this will do to mother and father. They would be upset, and angry. I would cuase them pain and problems. But that is how life is. Like isn;t about being happy and comftable, it's about living with pain and problems, and how you handle them is all up to you. There is no good or bad, that is just a point of view. So how you handle problems ins;t a bad thing or a good thing, it is how you handle it. I lived with the problems and pains of life long enough. I just wanted out.

Drowning and cutting isn;t as bad as it sounds. Well, maybe it is, but it is my choice and I will try to fullfill it. Now. the problem with killing yourself is that there are things that hold you back. Faimley, friends, and reasons to live. These cause problems, but dakrness always has a way to fill your soul again. Like a snuffing out a burning candle. It was hard and painful, each time I was happy and relized what I was going to do.

"You know, I do love you." Mother said. We were cooking dinner, and I wasn't prepared for this. "Huh?" I asked. "I love dear, it's just that times are hard. Life is hard. I don't know why you are so dark, and not caring about anything, but I do love you. I yell at you becuase I do. It's how parents talk to their kids. It's hard to relate to you, so we try to find ways that can keep us on the same page. It isn't right, but it's a parent thing, and there is no way to stop it. It's one of the many lessons in life that love and caring isn't always sweet and gentle, but can be hard and cruel. You have to learn to live with it, or you won;t get anywere in life." I was surprised, it was like she can read my mind. "I love you too, mom." I mumbled, but I meant it. How can I die and give her pain? Becuase it is the only way to keep us on the same page. The last page but the same. I felt guilty, and thought about changing my mind, untill that evening. Another yellling match, over missing work form school, and my mind went back to death. It is the only hope for me.

A half a week left, and I was having second thoughts, but was so sure. Life is confusing that way, making you feel two differnt emotions at once. I wasm't sure which side to listen to, life or death. It didn't seem real to me, me wishing for death. It was like something I thought of, but never planned to do it, but this I would. I knew I would beucase darkness filled my soul. No one noticed that I was acting strange. I tried being nicer toevryone, but no one noticed. It was sad, how no one could tell what I was planning. I almost wished I was saved, which I slmost was once.

"I notice that you are being extra good in class, a sudden change. What is going on?" Asked my math teacher. Her face was concerned, worried about what I was planning. "Nothing. I just wanted to change," I answered. "No one makes sudden chnages like that and mean ,now, what is going on?" She asked. "Nothing. My parents have been yelling at me to change, and I guess it really is time for a change. Look, it's nothing, okay, I'm fine. I just really want to change." She knows, she knows, she knows. What am I going to do? "Are you sure? You seem tense." She said. I shook my head. "No. I'm fine. Would you rather me switch back to the failing grades?" I asked. She slowly shook her head and said, "No I guess not. Please tell me if there is naything wrong, okay? You can trust me." I wanted to tell her everyhting, but couldn't bring myself to do so.

This is the last day. I will finish this letter. Will I die or will survive? I made my choice. I'm sorry for being such a loser in the familey, but that will change. A new life awaits for me, and I'm ready for a change. Maybe this time I will win instead of lose. Pleas,e pray for me that I will win, not lose. Please pray that darkness never enters my soul, and if it dose, a thouand candels will be lit to keep hope alive. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

Love

Anna

"In later news, a girl was found dead in her bathroom, her arm cut. she was trying to drown herself and cut herself to die. She left a note daying how sorry she is and left a message for the world. 'Please, everyone, listen to me. This world isn;t meant to be kind and happy, if it ws there would be no challenge. We need problems to grow and learn. I know you feel as if I took the easy way out, but killing yourself is just a new set of problems. Maybe in death there are more problems that we must face, and now I have to face those. But how can one know? WE just have to wait and see. To grow and learn but not so much to understand. We like to think that we can understand anything, but that isn;t what life is about. Life is about learning aout yourself and others. Caring for each other and hating each other and what you do with those feelings. Wishing for more, while giving more to others. Doing what was thought the impossible, and proving that anything can happen. But you don;t need to understand how it works, it just makes life a bit easier. Fair thee well.' Now to sports...."

End

© 2008 Jen

Author's Note

I fail with grammar and spelling, sorry about that. And the story is Anna is writing her letter, two weeks before her death date. In each part of the letter, more time has past and she is recounting the events that are have meaning to her.