When I Was Alice

The nightmare world of conditioning.

  

            I slap my hand over the little one’s mouth to silence the sobs.  Mr. Rubberband-hand hates blubbering.  He winces at displays of sadness.  For that reason, he painted our cheeks with dimples and gave us sun ray eyelashes.  The little one takes these lessons slow, so I receive her punishments.

            She cries when she is hungry.  It takes months before the stomach becomes accustomed to prolonged periods of famine.  I can go a week before my tummy growls anymore.  The little one lacks discipline, she’ll lick the bread crumbs off the floor.

            At night, I rarely sleep.  I just shut my eyes and sit very still.  The little one has nightmares.  I take her in my arms and rock her, but this seldom soothes.  When she is awake she is hungry and when she sleeps she is frightened.  I fear for her, so I do my best to cheer her and to preserve myself.

            When it is time for the show, she fights the strings.  I think there was a time when I fought the strings, but I don’t remember those days well.  When Mr. Rubberband-hand draws the first string upward, you raise your right hand.  When he draws the second string you raise your left foot.  When he pulls the third string you tip your head back.  Why does she fight it?  This is the way that it is, there is nothing to resist.

            When she fights them too hard and one breaks, I am punished severely.  I do not get to perform for the evening and he keeps me in the box.  Oh, how dreadful it is in the box, itchy red velvet, and heavy musty air.  How I lament when I hear the crowd cheering without me.  How can they cheer without seeing my finale?  My ‘Good Ship Lollipop’?  My ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’?    The little one is no good at these numbers; she performs in silence, always choking on her sadness.

            She thinks Mr. Rubberband-hand is a monster, a meanie.  She says she knew another man once and that he will come to save her someday.   There was a world where she was Lisa and tells me to try to remember back to when I was someone else.  I cover her mouth to silence her sobs and tell her that there is nothing to be saved from.  That we are the stars of the show and that she is Lottie.   And Lottie is loved. 

            But, sometimes after I've been put away for the night, and it's time for me to close my eyes and sit very still, I can feel myself moving.  And suddenly, I’m out of the closet,  far away from the little stage, and I have no box to be shoved in.  I see a lady, and she smiles down at me.  She kisses my cheek and says, in the sweetest voice I've ever heard, that she loves me. 

The little one slaps her hand over my mouth to silence the sobs. I only cry when I remember, so I try my hardest not to remember, when I was Alice.

 

 

           

           

 

           

           

           

Author's Note

Thank you so much for feedback, hopefully it is a bit more readable now.

Reviews

[terry smith]

f'n awesome writing!!!!! I can't say enough so I will just say F"N awesome!!!!!

[WayOath]

Oh my god, this is so wonderful. Your play on words is top notch. Very interesting to say the least. Where the hell did you pull this from? Ahmazing! Great job with the imagination, you should do movies :P

[dearly beloved]

Wow that was really interesting. I found it a tad creepy, which is something I like reading. It's tragic in the way that she has repressed her memories and that they are trapped... But I love sadness and despair. Great job, I really liked it.

[Dante Yurei]

Wow very good story. Kinda creepy and sad. I'm sure this story means a lot more than just a marionette show, or at least it does for me ^_^ Considering the lenght of it I think you did a great job developing your characters and the situation, as well as the ambient. This is an excellent story, great job!!

[Gil]

love it.

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

love this piece

[dustyhowls]

This is an amazing piece, it just draws you in and refuses to let you go. I'm completely enthralled. But I'm still going t take the liberty to do a little critique here...

"I take her in my arms and rock her, but this helps very little."
You use 'little' to refer to Lisa/Lottie, so, to me at least, its use in this sentence is a needless repetition of the same word, and it interrupts the flow of the piece.

"But, sometimes, after a great show and Mr. Rubberband-hand is pleased with us. I close my eyes and sit very still."
You should either make it 'after a great show, Mr. Rubberband-hand is pleased with us', or something similar, maybe by connecting that sentence to the next one by the use of a comma and possibly changing 'and' to another word as well. The way it is now just doesn't read well, which is a real shame, seeing how strong and well-written the rest of it is.

But other than that, like I said, this is an amazing work. The concept, the style, the characters... Everything works perfectly to make a haunting story.

[Dantes Hawkins]

This is great. It's like a nightmare, but it seems allegorical. It's very well written and just emotive enough. Very nice work.