Like a Pebble in a River

15th poem

 

Like a pebble in a river,

Like a leaf in the wind,

He went where ever life took him.

Even when it got grim.

 

One day he got stuck,

Like a sword in a stone,

Like a fish in a net.

 

The flow of his river died down.

He was going nowhere fast,

But then he thought of something at last.

 

He was going to tell her,

Like a mother and a lost child,

Like an elder and as lost friend,

That he missed her.

 

His heart started to race.

His chance with her was slim.

Now she was in front of him.

 

And like a star on a cloudy night,

Like a brick in a sturdy wall,

He did nothing to stop her, nothing at all.

Reviews

[Thomas Snider]

Wow! This is excellent. Excellent imagry and parallel. The similies really added to the flow of the poem itself. The bit of repetition did wonders in this poem, and it really hit home! Excellent flow and scheme. I enjoyed this piece a lot it is well done. The message itself and the situation was well displayed and was something someone could really relate to. Excellent work!

-Hp.

[Elijah Gleaves]

Nice poem Bryce. Similies are great when you want to create and image in someones mind or create a bridge of empathy between the reader and a character. However the problem with simlies that when u use words that imply comparisons like "As" and "like" to much your poem becomes repetitive. U should try a combination of metaphors and similes to make your poems even better. Great work peaCe

[MsDFuturePoet]

Nice and sweet just the way I like it.

[Matt Shutler]

Very nicely done.
This is a great poem and it flows really well.
It also creates good emotions.

[Annelise]

This had an interesting mix of concrete nouns and abstract ones. When comparing situations and feelings to sayings it could get tricky. You wrote this very well. The ending is increadibly sad. I like the twist you put on a common saying

"Like a brick in a sturdy wall,"

To use this in such a sad way is interesting. This line generaly brings up feeling of safety. I like the twist you put on it.

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Very nicely written, great use of metaphors and such a sad ending.. he let her walk away ? did not say what he wanted to say..

One day he got stuck,
Like a sword in a stone,
Like a fish in a net.

I love the line 'like a sword in a stone'

Chloe
xoxo

[Sweet Solitude]

i get it.... it's really good but i don't get it.....

[James Lyons]

And the most similes in one poem award goes to... bryce!
Good job lots of good comparisons

[Dawn Jones]

It's a YOUNG writers poem for sure.
Now, I never said young was wrong or bad in any way, the poem is actually well done, but you can tell that there is naivette in the words you use. A lack of experience. Rhyming isn't a bad thing but you want to be consistant... you lose a little but you do really well all around. Nice work... with a little brushing up and a few more english classes, maybe a creative writing class or two and you will be amazing.

[Barry S. Maltese]

Not bad. I enjoyed your descriptive words, and giving a verbal visual. It was like an image in my mind.
Nice work. Very enjoyable

[Laurie Barbour]

You have no idea how much I can relate to this poem....so much wisdom from such a young man. I will post my next poem so you will understand. I wrote it 4 years ago, but still love it. Laurie