Like a Pebble in a River

15th poem

 

Like a pebble in a river,

Like a leaf in the wind,

He went where ever life took him.

Even when it got grim.

 

One day he got stuck,

Like a sword in a stone,

Like a fish in a net.

 

The flow of his river died down.

He was going nowhere fast,

But then he thought of something at last.

 

He was going to tell her,

Like a mother and a lost child,

Like an elder and as lost friend,

That he missed her.

 

His heart started to race.

His chance with her was slim.

Now she was in front of him.

 

And like a star on a cloudy night,

Like a brick in a sturdy wall,

He did nothing to stop her, nothing at all.

Reviews

[Thomas Snider]

Wow! This is excellent. Excellent imagry and parallel. The similies really added to the flow of the poem itself. The bit of repetition did wonders in this poem, and it really hit home! Excellent flow and scheme. I enjoyed this piece a lot it is well done. The message itself and the situation was well displayed and was something someone could really relate to. Excellent work!

-Hp.

[[untitled]]

I know you did not win my love poetry contest, but this poetry is breath taking...you did good

[Lizzy]

i really like this
keep it up!

~Lizzie

xoxxox

[Shalini R]

oh the pain
the fall
i like the images
nicely done

[Jennifer Welker]

your endings always send a surge of electricity through me!

[James K. Blaylock]

wow,i really loved this poem. what a great ending. keep up the great writes.

[Rie Sheridan Rose]

This has amazing similes. I love it. Your choices are powerful and unusual, and I like the fresh feel of it. I know that there are a few rough edges around the rhythm, but the message comes through well. Very nicely done, and I am glad it was forwarded to me. :)

[Raef C. Boylan]

Wow, this is the best one so far Bryce.
It may be The One...

Great start, very true, and lovely images; many aspects of nature have no control over their destinies.
"Even when it got grim." - this is not terrible rhyming, but it does detract from how great the start is, as it comes across as a little overly-contrived (people not caring much about the words, only about the rhyme).
'Despite times when it got grim"?

For this part, i reckon you should sit down and make a long list of words that rhyme with "im" and "in" ("in" would be a more subtle rhyme, and make you look skilful at poetic technique), and see if you can think of any other way, with these words, to express the same sort of thing, but as originally as you can.

"One day he got stuck,
Like a sword in a stone,
Like a fish in a net." - this is great. I'd just change the comma after "stuck" to a semi colon ( ; ), so that it's not too 'listy'.

"But then he thought of something at last." - this line is a similar problem to the "grim" line; it doesn't add to the story as well as it could, and comes across as a filler line, in order to comply with the rhyme scheme.
'But then he decided at last:"?
You could make this line link up to the following one, and insert an internal rhyme AND a subtle rhyme with a sentence like this:

"The flow of his river died down.
He was going nowhere fast,
But then, at last, he decided that:

He was going to tell her:
Like a mother and a lost child"

"Now she was in front of him." - this seems to clash with the drama of the last stanza; i think you need to make it clearer that being in front of him is a big deal, e.g:
"Now she was far in front of him." - or anything to emphasise that he's losing out on his chance/that he never had a chance to start with.

"And like a star on a cloudy night,
Like a brick in a sturdy wall,
He did nothing to stop her, nothing at all." - brilliant stanza. You've got the hang of similes straight away, and came up with some great ones.
I'd induce a pause in that final line, for greater impact:
"He did nothing to stop her...nothing at all."

Overall, this is very good Bryce, it just needs a bit of tidying up.
I think i might suggest this one.

Thanks for posting it.

[The Random Writings Of ..]

I really like this, it starts out like a whisper in the wind, going with the flow, moving to your own beat. Then;

One day he got stuck,
Like a sword in a stone,
Like a fish in a net.

Awe yes, we have been here before, stopped in a world that we so graciously walk through. Then BAM.

The ending to the piece makes me a little sad, but it makes the piece. I really like what you have done here, it's a great write and gives a lot to the reader!
Kates

[Celtic Cat]

I really like this!!! You did really good with the similes, for a first timer! And I absolutely love the way this reads...it moves along nicely....the changes....

Like a pebble in a river,
Like a leaf in the wind,
He went where ever life took him.
Even when it got grim.

[Touché Armada]

A little abstract at least to me, but I think thats what is appealing about work like this, so much can be read into it by the reader at their own personal level. Thus meaning something different to each person.

I dont think there is a person on this earth that has not looked back and wondered "why didnt I try to stop them"..... I did nothing yet I could have.

Yet in this piece, trying to see where you're comming from, I almost get the picture, she stole that first kiss from you, why would you even think to stop her. =)

Its a very truthful write, nice.