The Ocean (Second Version)

20th poem

She and I sat along the ocean,
we imagined our futures together.
Waves washed onto the shore;
I strummed my guitar to their melody.
The sun was setting below the horizon.
The wind softly stroked her hair
as it chilled the both of us.

We looked up at the night sky's many eyes
as they gazed back down upon us.
We laid on the beach's smooth sand.
The waves were starting to touch our feet.
Its cool feeling caused her to shiver,
and move closer to me.

As she moved closer,
a light shone from behind her.
And all of a sudden,
the wind settled,
the waves slowed,
and I woke up to see the blazing sun.

Reviews

[Shalini R]

this is a very restful piece. the only thing i'd take a look at it is this:
"She and I sat along along the ocean;
We imagined our futures together.
Waves washed along the shore."
there are 3 'along's there. if you want t keep the two in the first line i think it works, like the waves of the ocean. but maybe in the third line id change it up. but thats just me, good job.

[Raef C. Boylan]

I think you need to merge the first and second version together (if the second is supposed to be an improved version of the first? Or are they two versions in their own right?) - there are lots of elements of this one that are better than the first, but I also prefer something about the first, as it had a rawness about it that worked very well.

Your capitalisation is a bit inconsistent in this one; if you're planning to enter it into the contest, i advise you to fix it a little. Good presentation goes a long way:

"She and I sat along the ocean; (U)
we imagined our futures together. (l)
Waves washed onto the shore. (U)
I strummed my guitar to their melody. (U)
The sun was setting below the horizon. (U)
The wind softly stroked her hair (U)
as it chilled the both of us. (l)

We looked up at the night sky's many eyes (U)
as they gazed back down upon us. (l)
We laid on the beach's smooth sand. (U)
The waves were starting to touch our feet. (U)
Its cool feeling caused her to shiver, (U)
and move closer to me. (l)

As she moved closer, (U)
a light shone from behind her. (l)
And all of a sudden, (U)
the wind settled, (l)
the waves slowed, (l)
and I woke up to see the blazing sun." (l)

I only have one change to suggest for fluidity in the first stanza:

"She and I sat along the ocean, (comma)
imagining our futures together. (imagining)
Waves washed onto the shore; (semi colon)
I strummed my guitar to their melody."

Now that i've read it a few times, i actually think i prefer this one.
I'll go back to the first version, see what it was i thought was better.

Thanks for sharing. This one is pretty good - although, i haven't read your third suggestion yet, so...

[Laura E. Aranda]

Nope, I liked the first. Sometimes when you write (or maybe it is just me) The first piece doesn't need to be ...'fixed'...this was one of those pieces...you HAD it the First time! Sooooo now come check out my pieces... You may not like them... who knows?

[Lizzy]

This is more refined and detailed...i like itbut in my humble and honset opinion the first version had a sort of raw emotion feel to it, that i think was more affective. But it depends on what you want this poem to convey i got from the orginal a stream of feelings in a confused dream and this version maybe a detailed clear sort of dream,either one works for me and are both great so yeh overall i liked no.1 the best.=Dnice workxox