The Ocean

17th poem

Her and I sat along the ocean.
Waves crashed upon the shore,
I strummed my guitar to their sound.
The sun was setting below the horizon.
The wind blew through her hair;
As it chilled the both of us.

We looked up at the night sky's many eyes;
As we laid on the beach's smooth sand.
The waves were starting to touch our feet.
Its cool feeling caused her to shiver.

The wind was dying down.
Her hair stopped blowing.
The waves slowed themselves.
And then I woke up.

Reviews

[Raef C. Boylan]

I agree with the review below: the first two stanzas have a mellow tone to them...although the last could be interpreted as melancholy, i.e. the scene from the start of the poem was only a wistful dream(?)

Great write.
It's pleasant to read, and also intriguing.
Well done.
Thanks for sharing it with me.

p.s.
I'd change "shore," to "shore;".
Or:
Her and I sat along the ocean;
Waves crashed upon the shore.
I strummed my guitar to their sound."

Semi colon not really needed here:
"The wind blew through her hair;
As it chilled the both of us." - either a comma or no punctuation will work fine.

"We looked up at the night sky's many eyes;" - lovely image, but same as above re: the semi colon (it's good to see you using them though).

"layed" - either "laid" or "lay".

[fallendemonofmercy]

this is beautiful, short and flowing....it reminds me of one of my favourite scenes in Lost where Charlie is playing his guitar and thinking of Claire
a very sweet, compelling write

[Adela Muresan]

Heh :)), the ending was unexpected.
I particulary like the imagery, not because of the ocean, the beach and bla bla , but bcuz there's a guitar =D !! I luv guitars... :P :)

A.M.

[Jules]

The first word is incorrect, it should be "She and I sat along the ocean." Also, there should be a semi-colon after "shore," instead of the comma, and a comma after "hair;" instead of the semi-colon. In the second stanza, there should be a semi-colon after "feet." instead of the period. In the third stanza, there should be a semi-colon after "down." and "blowing." instead of the periods.

Other than that, I LOVED how you referred to stars as the nights eyes. I thought that was really good personification (correct word to describe that in that case??). I also really liked the ending.

[Chaos]

Wonderful.

I love the beach and I'm inspired by it. I loved the feel and flow of this piece. Thank you for sharing it.

[Angel's Lady]

We looked up at the night sky's many eyes; - I love that line!

This was a really great poem! Great write.

[Amy Carroll]

I really like this poem. Some dream set of what was thought reality. Very well written. It makes a great poem for a start of a nice book I am sure you have the potential in writing. This was great.

[Laura E. Aranda]

I haven't read the second version yet but how can you improve on this?! I loved this line:

We looked up at the night sky's many eyes

THEN! The way you ended it!!! It took a turn of surprise! LOVE IT:

The wind was starting to die down.
Her hair stopped blowing in the wind.
The waves slowed themselves.
And then I woke up.

[Lizzy]

Wow i love this!
The imagery is very well conveyed ACE!
i love the sea
and guitar!

lOl
the shite reveiwing style strikes again

sorry

but all the same seriously this is a really nice poem
but the ending made me feel sad
i wanted it to be real!

damn!

[Nathan Strange]

This was a capturing piece of atmosphere, it seemed all good to be true. The end was a shock and I felt a jolt myself, who wants to wake up from that?? It is sad that it was a dream I was picturing the hottest girl as well.

[Marco A. Valencia]

Hey,

This is a nice little exercise Bryce. Writing little poems like this will strengthen your writing muscles and prepare you for the moments when you have true inspiration. I see you have already absorbed some of the concepts we talked about in my last review. You have done really good with using them in the poem naturally. I like both the physical descriptions of the environment and the subjects responses to them. That tit for tat helps create a sense of reality in a poem. I also like your use of surprise at the end of the poem, with the waking from a dream ploy. Now lets look at the concept of foreshadowing in a poem and how it can help create doubt and suspicion to make you closing more powerful and effective.

Foreshadowing is a literary device in which an author drops subtle hints about plot developments to come later in the story. An example of foreshadowing might be when a character displays a gun or knife early in the story. Merely the appearance of a deadly weapon, even though it is used for an innocuous purpose � such as being cleaned or whittling wood � suggests terrible consequences later on.

from the Wikipedia article - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreshadowing

take note of this too -

A hint that is designed to mislead the audience is referred to as a red herring. A similar device is the flashforward. Unlike a flashforward, a foreshadowing only hints at a possible outcome of the story, without describing it explicitly. However, the difference between these two techniques may often be very vague.

So if you were to apply that concept to your poem you could foreshadow the ending in a few different ways, your first lines could read something like this-


Her and I sat along the ocean;
Having her next to me felt like a dream

or

Her and I sat along the ocean;
Feeling her next to me was sureal

or

Her and I sat along the ocean;
The setting sun made the scene a dream

[ Also "Her and I sat along the ocean;", is a little awkward, how about - "She and I" or "We sat along..."]

The point of foreshadowing is to create anticipation without giving away the ending and to create a foundation for the twists and turns that often come with story telling so that endings and plot changes can be justified by the text of a poem or a story.

Now lets look at the concept of alliteration,

Alliteration is a literary device in which the same sound appears at the beginning of two or more consecutive words.

Common examples of alliterations include the tongue-twisters "Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran," and "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."

from the wikipedia article - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alliteration

Alliteration is about word choice and placement. I see many opportunities for alliteration in your poem. When to use it and when not to is a matter of skill and desired effect. Once you have mastered the technique I suspect you will want to use it all the time but as time passes you will come to see that its use must be tailored and purposeful. What alliteration does for a poem is help create music in the words when you speak them just in the same way that rhymes do. Lets look at your second line,

Waves crashed upon the shore.

instead of crashed, which may be accurate and descriptive we can use wash for the sake of creating a little alliteration and to establish a more mellow mood in the poem. So it would read -

Waves washed upon the shore.

However I would suggest removing upon and replacing it with along since this will create another type of alliteration called assonance where the vowel sound in words are repeated in a line. So it would read -

Waves washed along the shore.

I think you can already see that there is a musical quality to the words when you arrange them with these concepts in mind. Try these ideas out for yourself and let them work through your poetry. At first it will be difficult and awkward but if you are persistent you will see them become natural and beautiful.

Now lets look at the concept of personification,

Personification, or personification anthropomorphism is a figure of speech that gives non-humans and objects human traits and qualities. These attributes may include sensations, emotions, desires, physical gestures, expressions, and powers of speech, among others. As a figure of speech it has a very long history; its Greek name is prosopopoeia. Personification is widely used in poetry and in other art forms. Personification can also be used in English to emphasize a conversational point.

From the wikipedia article - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personifcation

so when you wrote "The wind blew through her hair " you could also write "the wind caressed her hair" or "I caught the wind caressing her hair"

Personifications can be a very effective way of creating mood and mirroring the inner world of the subject through the external world of reality. Its like imparting the wind with the desires of the subject or the fears of the subject or anything in between. Notice too that there is alliteration in that line as well with the H's in he her and hair being repeated.

Ok, now that you are using your senses in your poetry lets see how you can put these other concepts to work for you. Always remember that the first attempts are always raw and that only through successive attempts do we begin to understand and master these ideas. Everyday begins a step forward as much for me as for you. Now, don't be afraid to rework old poems , once you have a different out look on poetry you will see your old work differently, almost like a first sketch and perhaps you will be able to aply your new skills to your old work.

Regards,

Marco