What We Hate Most (Part I)

First part of my one act play. Please enjoy. Rated PG13 for adult language.

(Logan’s apartment: living room and kitchen, Boston, afternoon.  Living room includes a couch, television, coffee table and standing lamp.  Kitchen has bare necessities.  Dishes sit next to a sink.  Two doors lead offstage, one to bedroom (SL), the other to hallway (SR).  JASON lies on the couch.)

 

                             JASON

I should wash the dishes.

                      (Stares at the sink without moving)

I hate dishes.  Wash yourselves, damn you!

 

                      (JASON collapses on couch again.  Enter LOGAN SR, winter clothing and a computer bag holding a Styrofoam coffee cup in one hand.  JASON looks at him over the back of the couch as he wipes his feet.)

 

                             JASON

Logan!  What’d you get me?  Is that coffee?  Is it, is it?

 

                            LOGAN

You don’t need any coffee, you maniac.  It’s cocoa, but, yes, it’s for you.

 

                             JASON

Yay!

 

                            LOGAN

Not that you deserve it, really.  I know that you work tomorrow, but you promised to do dishes while I was at class.

 

                             JASON

I tried, but I haven’t got telepathy yet.

 

                            LOGAN

Seriously?  Come on, Jason, how long do you seriously think I’ll stick around if you keep this up?

 

                             JASON

                      (Getting up)

Lighten up; you know I love you.  Besides, I make you smile like no one else.

 

                      (JASON takes the cup from LOGAN, who removes his bag and coat and throws them on the couch.  JASON puts the cup in a microwave and begins washing dishes.  LOGAN digs through his bag for some papers.)

 

                            LOGAN

I should work on this paper, shouldn’t I?

 

                             JASON

You worked on that yesterday.

 

                            LOGAN

It’s due soon.

 

                             JASON

So?

 

                            LOGAN

See, this is why you aren’t in college.

 

                             JASON

Because I’m too awesome to live with that torture?

 

                            LOGAN

No, because you procrastinate.

 

                             JASON

Oh, yeah, that’s right.  Speaking of, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

 

                            LOGAN

What’s that?

 

                             JASON

Grace called.  She’s gonna visit us.

 

                      (LOGAN stares at him.)

 

                            LOGAN

Grace as in my Grace?

 

                             JASON

Let me think, she was looking for her “devil-spawn-of-a-brother,” called me a w***e, and told me to get out of your life before I got hurt.  Oh, and she threatened to neuter me with a spork, which sounded really painful…

 

                            LOGAN

Damn it, that’s her.  What’s she coming over here for?

 

                             JASON

You know, you never told me she was-

 

                            LOGAN

Bat-s**t crazy?

 

                             JASON

Eccentric.  Seriously, she should be my sister, not yours.

 

                            LOGAN

There’s something wrong with her, I swear.  We never see each other without getting in a fight.  When’s she gonna be here?

 

                             JASON

Dunno.  Why?

 

                            LOGAN

So I can get a wooden stake to defend myself.  She hates me, Jay.  She’ll look for any excuse to tell our parents that my lifestyle is hazardous.  They barely even care, as long as they get grandkids from someone.  She’s the only one with a problem.  It’s been like that ever since high school.

 

                             JASON

                      (Shutting off water)

God, it’s not like it’s her life.

 

                            LOGAN

Do you know how many times I’ve told her that?  She doesn’t care.  Can you clean up the bedroom; I’ll finish up out here.

 

                             JASON

Incoming!

 

                      (JASON exits, running, SL.  LOGAN cleans off coffee table.  JASON enters from bedroom and exits SR running with a pile of clothes.  LOGAN puts away his coat and bag.  JASON enters from hallway and exits SL, spraying air freshener as he runs.  LOGAN shakes his head and wipes off the kitchen counter with a rag.  JASON enters SL and exits SR with a garbage bag.  LOGAN throws the rag in the sink and begins putting dishes away.  JASON enters SR with a broom held over his head.  LOGAN stops him.)

 

                            LOGAN

What the hell are you doing?

 

                             JASON

I’m cleaning.

 

                            LOGAN

There is no way you took out the trash that fast and came back with a broom.

 

                             JASON

Did I say cleaning?  I meant stashing everything in the laundry room until I have time to sort it out.

 

                      (JASON exits SL.)

 

                            LOGAN

                      (Yelling after JASON)

You are going to clean that room, you a*****e!

 

                      (LOGAN follows JASON.  A crash and a shout are heard from SL.  JASON enters again; a knock is heard at the SR door.)

 

                             JASON

Yay!  She’s here!

 

                      (JASON jumps over the arm of the couch and answers the door.  GRACE stands in the hallway with a suitcase.)

 

                            GRACE

For the love of God, tell me I’m at the wrong door.

 

                      (Enter LOGAN.)

 

                            LOGAN

Hi, Grace.

 

                            GRACE

Hello, twerp.  How’s Hell been treating you?

 

                            LOGAN

Well, you may have noticed it’s a lot colder than they say, even more so now that you’re here.

 

                      (GRACE moves to LOGAN.)

 

                            GRACE

Sonuva b***h.  You got taller.

                      (Motions to JASON)

By the way, is this yours?  It was running around the hallway with a broom making Kung-Fu noises.

 

                             JASON

Karate noises.  Don’t worry, a lot of people get them mixed up.

 

                            LOGAN

Grace, my boyfriend, Jason.  Jason, this is my sister, Grace.

 

                             JASON

Nice to meet you.  And you can call me Jay, if you like.

 

                            GRACE

Yeah, whatever.  So are you gonna show me around, or are you just a terrible girlfriend?

 

                            LOGAN

Boyfriend.

                            GRACE

Whatever.  Where do I sleep?

 

                            LOGAN

A hotel, I hope.  I don’t even know why you’re here.

 

                             JASON

He’s just kidding.  You could sleep on the couch.

 

                            GRACE

What about dinner?

 

                             JASON

Well, today is Thursday, payday is Monday, I work tomorrow… Macaroni?

 

                            GRACE

Macaroni?

 

                             JASON

With cheese.  And maybe hot dogs.

 

                            LOGAN

Sorry, Grace.  It’s cheap, it’s easy to cook, and we have the pots for it.

 

                            GRACE

You know what?  It’s fine.  That sounds great.  It’ll be like we’re ten years old all over again.

 

                            LOGAN

How long before you go back home?  A week?

 

                            GRACE

I dunno.  There’s something out here I have to take care of and it’s cheaper to stay with you.

 

                            LOGAN

Why do you torture me like this?

 

                             JASON

                      (Exiting SR)

Hey, guys, I’m gonna go get a pizza or something.  You guys catch up with each other.

 

                            LOGAN

Get anchovies; she hates anchovies!

                      (To GRACE)

You are so f*****g cheap, you know that?

Author's Note

If you want to tell me anything, tell me. You're not going to hurt my feelings.