Broken

story that meshed up together in the dead of the night

Broken

On this night, he lay there, prostate, cold and weary.

His heart yanked out from his chest and thrown haphazardly to the ground, murky ruby red blood still coursing through his aorta.

He could feel the grim reapers icy grip as it tightened around his spine as the bark from the hell hounds grew incessant.

Tears collected, tears glistered, tears balled up and roll they did down his pallid visage. He had failed, headfirst he had failed. The fiery pits awaited, the lake of molten sulphur.

She stood there looking at him, unable to move, lost for words and action or motion. She was terrified. She never wanted this, it should never have happened. Where did she go wrong with him?

It all started back in the day. boy-girl relationship that had matured into friendship, then to fondness, then to discovery, then to likeness, then to really really like and to the peaks of love. In love they had fallen, head over heels.

Now here he lay cold, the breathe of life slowly leaving him and all she could do was stare in awe, numbed by what befell her eyes. The choices they had made however simple, one by one had led them right to this point. She turned her gaze and cast her eyes towards the heavens.

Oh how she wished they would open up to her.

Reviews

[kastone]

thank you gomez-i'll tweek the mentioned parts and add more detail to the characters so as to create the connection between them and the readers.

[Isaiah Gomez]

A very stark and ominous poem, however, there are a few things that need to be worked on:

There are several places where you need a space between the commas and the words.

I'd like to see this more in depth, as the reader I had little attachment to your characters. Perhaps try fleshing this out a little, and work on the grammatical issues, also, I'd try and reduce the run-ons and tweak your structure.

I.e.

She stood there looking at him,not able to move.The shock in her face visible as the light of day,she never wanted this,this shouldn't have happened..where did she go wrong with him?

She stood (there) looking at him, (not) able to move. (remove unnecessary words). The shock in her face visible as the light of day. (this line is confusing and reads choppy, I suggest omitting or rewriting). She never wanted this, this shouldn't have happened ..where did she go wrong with him. (tighten your sentences.)

She stood looking at him, unable to move. She never wanted this to happen. Where did she go wrong?


I hope this helps.


God bless:


Isaiah Gomez

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

a ominous prose, full of angst and pestilence a beatifically written piece, well done, good read