A Soldiers Wall

A SOLDIERS WALL  JB

 

I hate that I have trouble expressing it, even to the ones who have went through it

I know that I’ve come back different, but I don’t know what different is because I don’t remember what or how I was

I remember when I felt proud for what I was doing and about to do

I never knew I would feel what I do

I’m sick in my mind, I can’t even cry

It’s like its stuck inside

I appear so perfect from the outside that some might think I lie

I wish they could see the ache and the age in my eyes, it’s not right

I don’t act the way I do because I want to

Why can’t I come back home where I belong?

This war in my mind is taking a toll

I’m afraid to get help so I don’t

Waking up every day, still seeing and hearing the same old bombs makes me numb

I still feel the need to be there, its home

The anger boils deep in my heart

I take it out on my wife and kids in the dark

They won’t understand and they’ve tried

Just get a doctor is all I hear...

See it’s so hard to write what I’m feeling tonight

All the regret from the hand that should have been dealt to my life instead

I’m sorry Sir for what I said

Your dead now and I can’t go back

There’s things I’ve done there, and here

And you wouldn’t know unless you were there

Anyone can say make your own success and choose to be happy instead

Go through these trials and then you’ll see.

See death and anger in all your thoughts

The one below has one a lot of my battles

Probably most of them all

Now I get to the part nobody wants to talk about

Why is suicide always our way to go?

See I don’t even have to ask my friends why they did it because I know

I know the darkness, and the cold

I know the insensitivity of people in this world

I’d be lying if I said I never tried it myself and thought it day in and day out

But I gotta be strong right, gotta stay tough and show no pain at all. Just laugh at death and every time you feel, feel nothing at all

That’s what they trained us to be, but that’s our biggest downfall…

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Three poems, and three times I have held my breath listening to you. Yes, listening. Every word is a prayer, a cry for release. I know that cry. I hear that prayer. I have cried and spoken the same. I was greeted by silence. I pleaded with God but received no reply. Having been shattered by my own father's suicide, I eventually sought the same out. Statistics show you are 50% more likely to commit suicide if you have a parent that did so. I often wonder if my father could have known what his suicide would do to me if he would have done it. I was only four when he did it so I have no memories of him. My mother had cheated with his best friend, and he was only 23, with two girls, and had lost his job. Now, I ask you ... how much can a man take? My mother then lied to cover up what she had done by telling us that he had died in Vietnam. So, needing a father so badly, I idolized him in my mind. He was a hero who died for our country. Imagine how shattered I was when, at nineteen, I discovered that he had committed suicide because my mother had cheated with his best friend. He had been betrayed by the two people who should have loved him the most. Worst of all, she didn't even have the decency to put a marker on his grave. So my first visit to his grave was to a number on a little metal plate that matched up to a map in the office. No name, no nothing, like he never even existed.

I worked with a man who was a sniper and had returned from the haunts of war; and like you, he couldn't shake it. He couldn't shut it off. He described how he is always on high alert, jumps to respond at the slightest bump in the night. The things that he has done unspeakable. The things that he has seen a nightmare. I don't think we can hope to understand.

Like you, he did not seek help, didn't feel as if anyone could help. He struggles day to day with lack of sleep, anger, lack of emotion, etc.

How do you slay the dragon inside, the demons that torment you relentlessly? I don't know. I wish I did. I really do.

I know it doesn't help, but I hear you. Let those demons loose within your words. Perhaps, then they will find another home.

[Jonathan Brown]

I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you for listening, thats mostly what I want. I found a new release in writing my thoughts whenever they are bad or good..Writing them is helping me heal a bit. I am so sorry what you had to go through. I wish nothing but love in your life as I wish the same for myself. Thank you.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

You are fogiven and you are loved. You are a child of God Jonathan. He stands with you. Thank you for your service. We stand with you too. "That's what they trained us to be, but that's our biggest downfall." Tragic. I pray that you will come back in your mind and forgive yourself.You write so beautifully- please keep writing to let the feelings out. Let us help you. Sending love, light and healing energy to you...