Soundtrack of My Life.

Pick songs that describe your life.

Dear Reader,

                Rose-colored glasses are not permitted here. I'm not the average teenager, but of course you at least know that. One look at me and you can tell that I am different.  My stories run deeper and darker than they should, but of course, I have the bright, colorful moments, too. From the day of July 29th, 1996- I have been destined for a great life. I was born in Nashville and I have lived here all my life- but believe me, it never gets boring. So reader, please, be ready, you are about to know a lot about me. Oh, but please, don't be afraid. I'm a happy person. There's a reason the past is the past. I've heard the bullets whistle, and believe me, there is something quite charming in the sound.

No, you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

                To be like me.             

If I had to choose a song that completely moves me, Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan would be the song. It reaches my lows- which is really, really hard- I've built a wall around myself. So please, take this opportunity, and come inside my world.

                Dear Reader,

                Welcome to my life.

                ___________________________________________

Alright, admit it. We love explicative words. We love songs and themes that seem dangerous, or controversial, or things that just make us feel.. bad?

                And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate and even though he is heartbroken, he can't complain because he was hungry in the first place...
                Love isn't all flowery and pink, and is not always seen through rose colored glasses. Love is whatever you want it to be- it's the best little things in life. In the song "Love is.." by Bo Burnham, the definitions of love are explored through a light and funny song. Although it may seem very offensive to some people, (And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles
And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape, now you don't want to reduce it at all cause if the rape rate declines then you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales), the song actually has a meaning, if you dig really (really, really, really deep) you can find a definition of love. whatever the deal, love is what you make it. The song itself is a bit explicative from time to time- but to the right mature listener, the song could change your whole meaning of life.

                There are many reasons why this song is important to me. Not only is it my favorite song, but it's the song that reminds me of a few of my best friends.  It reminds me of the people that make a difference in my life daily, and those who keep me on track.

                So this song is dedicated to my best friends, the people who keep me in line, who keep me focused, and most of all, I can have fun with. "Love is..." represents the laughs we have whenever we discover a funny joke and can't stop thinking about it, or whenever one of us goes to the other with a problem, because we know our parents would murder us if they knew what was going on.

                So, thank you. Because my love for you, is stronger than Dora's love for Maps.

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What You Want- Evanescence

Serious matters rule our lives. We all have screwed up from time to time. (Why?) Because we're human. But I doubt, how I doubt so very much, that you have screwed up to the effect that I have.

Do what you, what you want

Your world's closing in on you now (it isn't over)

Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)

                Have you ever lied about your age to get what you want? To make someone fall for to so you can feel loved?

Every heart in my hands

Like a pale reflection

                Have you ever manipulated someone, believing that you are in control, you are the ring leader? Is it really you who has all the control? Do you run the circus?

Hello, Hello, Remember me?
I'm everything you can't control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must be a way to believe

We can break through

                You play the cards until you realize it's over. You try your hardest to fix things, to hide, to clean up the mess that you unleashed- even though you realize your charades would come to an end somehow, some day.

Do what you, what you want

You don't have to lay your life down (it isn't over)

Do what you, what you want

'Til you find what you're looking for) got to remember who you really are)

 

But every hour slipping by,

Screams that I have failed you

                And then you try to fix it. And it doesn't work.

                My story is an emotional story. It's not for the lighthearted. It's not an easy story to tell, or to find a way to begin. But I will just have to, because you cannot have me without all of my past. Even the part that I am ashamed of.

                I met Jordan through a friend. We started dating in 7th grade, then in 8th grade again. On his 18th birthday, he parents brought him down from Illinois to visit family- and to meet me, for the first time. Our relationship was built on lies- He lied to his family, saying I had lived near him in the beginning and then moved away. We hung out and developed a deep relationship the first day he was there- but then on the second day, he raped me in his hotel room. Of course, It didn't start out as rape. It was pure manipulation- he was determined to get what he wanted.

                I saw a side of Jordan that I never knew. An abusive, deep, dark side that I hated. I went home, told my parents and they called the cops. That night, a policewoman talked to me about meeting people online and the dangers- that I understood. What had went unsaid was the fact that I had been sexually assaulted.

                Imagine my position. I was scared. I was so in love with him! He treated me like a princess, like every girl wants to be treated. He bought me lunch and dinner and he would have bought me the world if I really wanted. I was blinded by the fact that I was surely, completely, and totally in love with this boy. With this in mind, no, I didn't tell my parents that he raped me- heck, at the time, I didn't consider it rape.

                The next day, I hoped, I prayed, and I cried that Jordan would come see me. My parents wouldn't let me see him. I watched the window for hours on end- I couldn't stand it. I wanted to see him so bad. Hours had past and the deep feeling of despair set in: I realized I was never going to see him again. Then I did the unthinkable- I tried to commit suicide. I swallowed over 30 Advil- causing my stomach to twist and turn. I threw up multiple times that day- and I finally told my parents what I had done- yet I lied again. I told them that I had unintentionally swallowed a few because I had a headache and I was frustrated. Luckily, with some crackers, and a lot of water, my body was set back to normal.

                Jordan called the following day. We argued and argued-  then my parents took the phone, sick of hearing me in pain. He then said "But don't take her away from me, we had sex!" and my protected lie came undone. That night I was rushed to a CVS to get a Day-After pill, to prevent me from being pregnant.

                My family then pressed charges. Jordan and I have had contact once, where he got very abusive and violent over the phone. I had to lie and tell him my parents took my phone to prevent him from contacting  me again.

                During July of 2011, I got a phone call from the district attorney. She was calling to say that my case is finally going to be seen in front of a judge. The problem? It had been TWO years. TWO YEARS! By this time, I have built myself back up- debate Rookie of the Year, straight-A student, and I respected myself now. Tell me, would you want to see him again after all of this success? Would you want to look into your ex-lover/abuser/rapist's eyes and testify against him? I told my mom that day, that if he had not hurt anyone else, that I wanted to drop charges. Every time I heard a phone ring, I cried.  I called my best friend and cried on the phone to her- I needed someone to talk to. I haven't heard from the DA since July, so I assume that the charges are dropped.

                This song represents the hatred I have for what I did. In a way, I hate myself- for setting myself up for this. But I blame him, too, because he manipulated me to get what he wanted.

                But I am okay now. I went to counseling, I sought help, and it has made all the difference.

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Hopefully one day I'll look back at life and smile

'Cause I've been makin' weird decisions for a while

I'm almost an adult but I've been acting like a child

And I need something soon to know it's all worth while

 

Hopefully one day I'll look back at life to see that

I've fulfilled my hopes and dreams

'Cause when my days are done and it's time to go to sleep

I hope that I had fun so I can die happy

                When you go through various stages of self-harm and self-hate, you begin to feel like your life means nothing. There was no one telling me I was a horrible person. There was no abuse, no hatred, only love in my house. So why did I feel like the world hated me? Because I felt that way. Because  I  spent the time beating myself up- physically and mentally. How do you recover from that? How do you recover from the mental self abuse that goes on inside of your head? How do you deal with every moment of your life, hating yourself for what you've done to yourself and to everyone around you?

                Hopefully by Plug in Stereo represents a physical and mental recovery. Not only that, it represents my physical and mental recovery. It represents every movement and every word that I wanted to make myself happy. After some time, I immersed myself in books, reading, and writing- finding anything to distract myself from what I had done. I eventually learned how to trust people again something I am still doing, every day. Little changes made the most of the difference. Why? Because every time I look in the mirror and see my face lit up because of a certain color I was wearing, it boosted my confidence. That, now that, is why. I've tried to dress in lighter colors- so I don't look so dark and demeaning.

                This song is what I want out of a life. I want to die happy, to look back and say, "Yeah, I've learned something from this life. Look where I have gotten myself. Look at all that I have done." This song is that. This song is my next step towards that. Because hope is what will push me to my next goal.

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What happened to the girl who could overlook the world?

She never gave a second thought to what the other people thought

What happened to the dream of rejecting the routine?

'Cause they never worked for me

 

I'm gonna burn this theater down and pray to God for the strength to help me face the crowd

I wanna live like I lost the script and scream every line

Like "This is it!"

 

They say all the world's a stage

Rewriting you identity is all the rage

Well next act please, I'd like a change

I don't really like pretending

This way

                Conforming. No one really likes to admit to it, but it's there. The point of the song, Theater by Icon for Hire, is that she (the main singer) is sick of it. She is sick of pretending and playing a role on a stage, pleasing everyone..but herself.

                This song represents my transition from middle school to high school. It represents everything I was and everything I am. In middle school, I worked my hardest to be liked, to please everyone-parents, teachers, friends, and even enemies- I wanted to be liked. I changed myself so many times, and I lied again and again so people would come to like me. My freshman year, and even continuing until now, I have adapted new ideals. No longer do I please everyone else- I work to please myself.

                And honestly, I struggle with it every day. The 'want to dos', the 'need to dos' and the 'must do TONIGHTs" all collide. I find myself struggling with perfection- I don't want to do it unless it is perfect and cannot be corrected, in any way whatsoever. But somehow, I make it through, and I will fight this battle every day- because that is who I am. So here's to being yourself and putting conforming back in its place.

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I see your dirty face

Hide behind your collar

What is done in vain

truth is hard to swallow

So pray to God

To justify the way you live a lie

Live a lie, Live a lie

 

And you take your time

And you do your crime

Well your made your bed

And I made mine

 

Because when I arrive

I, I'll bring the fire

Make you come alive

I can take you higher

What is this, forgot?

I must now remind you.

                This song represents everything I live for nowadays. Because not only am I recovered and going strong- but I am independent and I own my life now. This song summarizes everything that has happened to me in the past few years. Though it is not a set event, with a date or time, it still conveys my mindset now- the change I have gone through to get to where I am now. Now, I have a presence. Now, I am powerful. I am looking at being the captain of the debate team next year. I debate and I make an A in AP classes, as am I in French 3 Honors. This song represents my passion and how I overcame everything that other people had made me. The song Let it Rock by Kevin Rudolf may be a bit mainstream- but it is certainly applicable with how I view myself- the driver of my life.

                But when you go through so much in such a short life time, you gain so much experience. I've become the person that I am because of the choices I have made in life. I've had my ups and downs, but today, I am more mature, stronger, more intelligent, and overall- a better person.

                Dear reader,

                Each life is different. Now you know about mine, and you will continue to learn more and more. Thank you for being here to listen to my tale, because each second means so much to me.

So many questions, so much on my mind

So many answers I can't find

I wish that I could turn back the time

I wonder why

 

Everybody hurts some days

Everybody hurts some days

 

Everybody hurts some days

It's okay to be afraid

Everybody hurts, everybody screams

Everybody feels okay, and that's okay

 

Everybody Hurts- Avril Lavigne