CHAPTER FOUR - BREAKFAST

Chapter Four

Survival Tip #2:  Breakfast

 

            Now, upon seeing the title of this chapter, I’m sure, there is a sweet subtle voice in your mind gently asking the following question:

 

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE BREAKFAST WHEN I HAVE NO TIME?!!!!!

 

            Well, SHUT UP and let me tell you.  Man, talk about needing a serious chill pill.  No coffee for you today.

 

            Anyway, I, myself, am a serious proponent for breakfast.  For me, it must happen.  This boy gots to have his breakfast (the use of bad grammar is to demonstrate the gravity of this subject) and this is how you make it happen:

            If you are a cereal buff, such as me, this is perfect.  Make sure a table stands directly behind or beside the ironing board for your cereal bowl.  Double-check to make sure you can’t hit it with your elbow, iron or iron cord to make for a good start in the morning.  You know how the rest of your day may go when your full bowl of Cap’n Crunch is struck down to the floor and splashes everywhere with heart-wrenching finality.  Forgetting about the clean-up detail for a moment, your Cap’n Crunch is gone!  SOB!!

 

            I’m sorry.  I am always slipping into the dramatic.  Anyway, here’s the long and the short of it:  No matter if you are using the “2x4” or “8x8”  or “Obstacle Course” methods, for every press, get to munchin’.  Press, then grab the spoon, feed thyself, grab iron again, press, grab the spoon, munch, etc.  Simple stuff, right?  Crunch on the clothes, munch on the cereal.  But you say you need a real  breakfast with bacon, eggs, toast, juice, the whole 9.  This is not a problem.  Use what I call the “Piecemeal” Technique.  You want The Big Breakfast?  Here’s how it is done:

 

1)                  Pull out pans and put on respective burners and/or in oven (2x4 and 8x8, Press 1.

2)                  Turn burners up high for eggs and/or grits/oatmeal water (2x4 and 8x8, Press 2.

3)                  Pull out bowl for the eggs and crack the eggs, turn oven on broil (2x4, 8x8, Press 3)

4)                  Scramble them bad boys, throw butter in (or olive oil, for you dieters) or spray egg pan, turn off heat, put eggs in and cook, pop toast in the toaster, bacon in oven (2x4 and 8x8, Press 4)

5)                  Put eggs on heated plate, butter toast, put plate in microwave, throw grits/oatmeal in water as directed (8x8, Press #5)

6)                  Check bacon and grits/oatmeal (8x8, Press #6)

7)                  Repeat Step 6 (8x8, Press #7)

 

By now bacon should be done, grits/oatmeal should be done and clothes pressed with press #8.  Now, for the eating…..

      If you have a good microwave oven, your heated plate, eggs and toast should remain heated for a good length of time to where everything is still warm, especially when the bacon and grits/oatmeal is ready.  Now that everything is on the plate, it’s time for “The Dress Express” Technique.  Make sure your plate is nearby and utensils are present because you are about to get down and dirty and then be gone.  Here we go again….

 

1)      Put on pants/skirt (take first bite)

2)      Put on shoes since you could easily forget while rushing (take bite #2)

3)      Put on shirt/blouse, making sure you use a napkin beforehand, (munch #3)

4)      Button that shirt/blouse (chomp #4)

5)      Put your belt on (Munch #5)

6)      Put on your tie (crunch #6)

 

And, HEY, check it OUT!  This could also be a way to lose weight, too.  It has been said the more time you have between bites the quicker it is to become satisfied and not eat as much.  So, this technique could be a weight-loss program.

 

NAH!!!!

 

If you are like me, you gots to have yo’ bre’kfas’, and you’ve got  to have it all.  So, chow down, baby, especially since now everything is pressed and not much is left to consume.  Just grab your napkin and your anti-bacterial lotion and get on with your day!!!!.