Chapter 1

“My mom thinks your vagina needs to breath so she doesn’t wear underwear when she sleeps,” one of my best friends, Devyn, tells me. I. Am. Horrified. Actually, horrified doesn’t even begin to describe it.

            “I am never going to go over your house again.” I state, wide-eyed and mouth agape. We were having one of those random conversations that end with you knowing something that you never, ever wanted to know. The conversation started with someone saying that her feet can’t breath in a certain type of shoe. Innocent, right?

            “She wears pants,” Devyn amended. I shook my head, possibly never able to think of her mother the same way again.

            “That’s okay,” I said finally. “My mom sometimes sleeps with only underwear on.” Devyn pulls a disgusted look and I am pretty sure that it was the exact expression that I had just had on my face. “Only sometimes,” I added quickly, “and never when friends are over.”

            A few years back I had begged my mother to do the following:

1.     Close the door when she was going to the bathroom (locking it would be my preference, but I wasn’t getting my hopes up)

2.     To wear pants when my friends were over

 

“I will die of embarrassment. Die.”  I told her. “If you can’t grant me that, at least promise me that you will never, ever come out of your room without pants on. “

“But what if it is an emergency? Wouldn’t you rather I stop the emergency and possibly save your life?”

“Mom. Remember I said that I’d die of embarrassment?” parents are quite a bit older (my mom is 42) and so they have to be reminded of such things. “So you’d save me, only to have me die. Ergo, you never really saved me.”

And so my mother started wearing pajama pants, at least when I am having a sleepover.

 

We were on our way into the English classroom, which is taught by the amazing Mr. Barron, after gym. In said classroom, we were presenting scenes from Hamlet. The determined E.L.A. teacher had made it his mission in life to cure us of our shyness before we enter highschool. And I was his special project. Good luck with that, Mr. Barron. 

In any case, we were presenting in groups, which helped my nervous level. Unless of course we chose a soliloquy, which I did not choose.

Speaking of soliloquies….”To be or not to be? That is the question.” Probably the most famous soliloquy ever. I’ve always thought it meant “live life to it’s fullest” or something. Not “should I kill myself or not?” I mean, what do you say to that? Oh yah and, not to be a spoiler but, everyone dies at the end of Hamlet, including Hamlet. The only one that lived was Horatio. And he wanted to kill himself but Hamlet wouldn’t let him. Hamlet told him to live so he could tell the story. Thanks, Shakespeare. You just ruined my day.

Even though it’s terrible, I have to admit that the death of Ophelia was really funny. Especially the way Mr. Barron told it. (Did I mention he’s my favorite teacher?) Her ladies I waiting loved her, and they took her out to the meadow for some fresh air and to pick flowers that she handed out to everyone. The meadow had a lake. Personally, I don’t think it’s a smart idea to bring an insane person to where there is running water, but that’s just me. Anywho, the ladies in waiting let their attention turn away for a moment and Ophelia climbed on to a large log that was sticking out into the middle of the pond. When they did look, she was at the end of the log. “Ophelia, honey, come back,” they called. Ophelia turned to them and said, “bye-bye,” then she jumped into the water singing this crazy little song. Her dressed puffed out around her, making her look like a flower (oh, the irony). Glug-glug-glug. She began to sink, still singing her song. And so, Ophelia drowned.

Devyn, and apparently the rest of the world, think that I’m going to die like Ophelia. I am not going to die like Ophelia. I am not that crazy…yet. Then again, the way my life is going, I might be crazy enough by the time I die.

“Linn, Devyn, and Bay. Your up next,” Mr. Barron calls. I straighten my tiara (I am the queen), grab my script in case I need it, and walk up to the front of the room. With a deep breath, I sit in the chair that was serving as a throne. Devyn sits in the “throne” next to me and she looks like she’s hyperventilating. I wonder what I look like. Linn stands across from us, and she looks scared, too.

We were okay. Devyn was the only one who had to look at her lines and that’s because she had to say this giant rant that’s whole point could have been expressed in three sentences instead of   twenty-eight lines. “Hamlet, its good of you to mourn you father, but you have been mourning too long. We all lost people we love. Please don’t go away, we want you to stay.” See? Three sentences.

“Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet. I pray thee, stay with us, go not to Wittenberg,” I finished my lines with a flourish. Then Linn, then Devyn…. The class applauded politely as we booked it to our seats. Thank god that’s over.

The next group came up to present another scene and I doodled on a piece of lined paper from my blinder. I have to get used to speaking in front of people. My future depends on it. How on earth am I supposed to be an art teacher if I can’t even talk in front of my class for five minutes?

I was getting better. I at lest had that to be thankful for. Maybe there was hope for me yet. To tell the truth, it’s probably because of Mr. Barron’s efforts that I am that small amount better.  Not that I’d ever let him know that.

I glanced at the clock and started to pack my things. The team’s scene ended and Mr. Borden dismissed the class. Carrie, Devyn, and I walked out of the classroom together. Carrie complained all the way to math about this fight that she and Linn were in the middle of. The fight was about a lake on our project for S.S. if you can believe that. I mean, of all the things to fight about.

Sometimes I wish I had more guy friends to balance the drama out. My sister, Lauren, has about two close girl friends and the rest are guys. And she has about a fifth as much drama as I do. Considering everything, I think I picked two of the lower maintenance girls to be my best friends. Dev and I “argue” about things like wind being indoors but those are debates, not fights. We have been best friends two years and have only had one actual fight. We weren’t even face-to-face, we were chatting on Facebook. Dev says that she’s never actually seen me mad.

The fight was about Devyn telling Carrie something that she, Valerie (my other bestie), and I had all agreed to keep a secret.

Bay Andrews

            i thought we werent gonna tell anyone!!!

Devyn White

            I didn't I wanted to see if she'd like it and she guessed who wrote it and what it was for!

Bay Andrews

            u should have talked 2 me and val 1st its our secret 2!!!!!!

            ddddddeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvyyyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnn!!!!! seriously not cool

Devyn White

            it was purely an accident!                    

            I couldn’t really say, i don’t want to when she looked like she was going to throw up she was so nervous.

Bay Andrews

            how could she look like she is gonna throw up wen it was her idea?

Devyn White

            and she wanted to do it becuz we were like REAL best friends then and now, our friendship was developing before then,

Bay Andrews

            u need 2 tell val

Devyn White

            k, I will p.s., are u still mad? and she doesn't know who writes them, i think, I' m 100% sure but like, 95%

Bay Andrews

            YES I'M MAD!!!!

Devyn White

            crap, it sounded better, I knew u were at first but it sounded better

Bay Andrews

another thing: u said that this happened wen u 2 were starting 2 become friends or weren’t best friends or something like that....that was a while ago so y didn’t u tell us!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!

Devyn White

no not starting to become friends, finally BEST FRIENDS, WHICH WAS LIKE, A FEW MONTHS AGO

Bay Andrews

       i cant believe u didn’t tell us!!!!!!!

Devyn White

            Its because I knew this would happen and I didn't want to get into this, and I could’ve sworn she forgot about it, she never mentioned it again so I was hoping it would be like I never told her

Bay Andrews

            omg dev u really screwed up

Devyn White

            i get that now....

Bay Andrews

            U SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THEN!!!!!!

Devyn White

            man, for some reason i rly want ribs now...... is that weird?

           

Later…

and I know you just logged off and I should’ve said this at the beginning of this convo, but I didn't becuz im stupid, I'm sorry i didn't tell u guys. I really should have and I'm just retarded.

            So...... byes

later…

Bay Andrews

            heydev i might of overreacted a little when i logged off anyway since ur not on ill talk 2 u l8r

 

As for Val, we had a lot of drama in fifth grade when we were friends with another girl too. After she was gone, there was a lot less drama and it stayed like that.

I am very forgiving. I forgave Dev about an hour after our fight. You can’t survive in my house with out that skill, seeing as no one in my house ever apologizes. And we can’t be mad at each other the rest of our lives. Still, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t drama around us. Like Carrie and Linn for an example.

Reviews

[Sophie]

So Carrie's in a fight with Linn, not LAuren right? cuz if this is based off true events... i