Figs

there are wasps in my lungs,

wings in my maw,

and down my back

out of my spine are leaping stings.

I see everything a thousand times

up and down

round and round

in the dark my eyes can finally rest.

I don´t want to see this volatile world,

I don`t belong,

but I am part of this race

and nobody asks.

I taste like sugar and red,

so sweet

and down your lips,

so dripping wet.

you don`t see me, what lies in my guts,

what I hid so well

under purple skin and enticing smell

before your tongue tells.

I was never who you thought I was.

Reviews

[Adriana]

I love this poem, I think the subjectivity of it is beautiful too, no matter what some people say

[LazerRays]

I have felt this way before, circumstances turn me into survival mode and often I feel as if I am an outcast, as if I'm the only one that sees the world past its facade. It sucks. It f*****g hurts and then you sit there questioning am I the crazy one in this docile world. Are they? Why am I up all night

[lov]

I feel this so much. I am glad my words reached you

[JayG]

Well, you did ask...

This is you talking about what's meaningful to you, in terms that make perfect sense to you, because you have intent guiding your understanding.

But what's in it for a reader? Look at the words as the reader must, as-they-read, because we can't retroactively remove confusion.

• there are wasps in my lungs

Is that an expression, like saying I have ants in my pants? Because if not, to a reader who just arrived, the words are meaningless as-they're-read. And, you never clarify.

Instead, you say things that have as little meaning as that, line after line. When, for example, you say, "out of my spine are leaping stings." What in the hell are leaping strings?" All the strings I've known just lay there till someone moves them.

The thing to remember is that our intent doesn't make it to the page, so, we must edit as a reader, knowing only what they know. And we must never forget that while we have context, the reader has only the context we supply or evoke. And the only word meaning they have is what's suggested based on THEIR life-experience, not our intent,

[ashley]

im not sure if this is a negative comment or not, and i dont mean to be rude. poetry is often cryptic and metaphorical, if you've ever read something like shakespeare, you would realise how much intent is hidden behind simple words in a complex matter.

"the wasps in my lungs", i see this as a struggle to breathe.
"leaping strings", to me seems like an interesting way to describe being on auto-pilot.

if you really read into a poem, you can create your own meaning! that is what is so beautiful, is that peoples metaphors and words can evoke a different image or intention in your mind, in comparison to yours, and that is simply how people connect through poetry. if you're reading poetry expecting it to be like a narrative, then you're simply looking in the wrong place. poetry is so complex, beautifully complex.

[JayG]

• im not sure if this is a negative comment or not,

It’s called a critique, and you came to me and requested it, remember?

I’ve looked at your work, and 100% of it is you talking about you. But, how many people wake each morning wondering how your love-life is going, and how miserable you are today because of it? About as many as those who wonder about mine, because readers don’t care about what matters to the author. or how they feel. They expect the words to make it matter to THEM.

You find a sex partner and write about how great it makes you feel. Then you break up and it’s all about what a b*****d he was, with the kind of Dismal Damsel poem that fills the pages of school Literary Magazines.

Poetry is NOT people talking about themselves in prosaic language, then breaking it into one declaration per line. It’s so much more than that.

No one cares how the poet is feeling. They come to poetry to be made to feel and care. They come to react to expressive and evocative language; to word-play and rhythm; to be made to think about things in a way they’ve not done before; To find joy in the emotional journey the words take them on, not read 40 lines that boil down to “pity poor misunderstood me.”

If you’ve seen the film Beetlejuice, you’ll recognize this scene, where Lydia writes her letter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y5Hilp4rFg

While not as dramatic, like her, you’re seeking sympathy, not entertaining the reader. But poetry is so much more than that. Poets have a superpower. You can make a stranger—someone you’ll never meet—laugh, weep, and feel the human emotions that YOU choose, simply by placement and selection of your words....if you take the time to learn how.

And you should, because it makes writing poetry so much more fun than wallowing in despair.

They’ve been refining the skills of the poet for centuries. And knowledge is an excellent working substitute for genius. Wilson Mizner’s was right when he said: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So research!

Try this:

For poetry in general, Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, is a gem, and filled with things to make you say, “Huh! I never noticed that.”

For metrical poetry, and prosody in general, jump over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. What he has to say about the flow of language is brilliant.

[ashley]

i'm just a girl :3 i will write whatever i want however i want! almost all of my poetry is based on maladaptive daydream or scenarios that have never happened, which is why it is so bipolar. poetry is whatever you make of it. of course people don't care about my love life, but being able to express it into metaphors and what not is what MAKES it interesting & relatable

[JayG]

• i'm just a girl

Neither an excuse nor a reason.

• poetry is whatever you make of it

Something you won't hear a poet say. They have been refining the skills of poetry for CENTURIES. Amazon has over 200 books on how to write poetry for sale.

Universities offer degree courses on poetry-related subjects. Yet you believe that by simply writing down what's bothering you on any given day, you can bypass using all that's been learned in that time, and have the same effect on people that those using the skills of poetry do. You've dumped 43 Dismal Damsel poems of the kind that fill the pages of the school lit mags, and somehow, in spite of your conviction, the response has been one of two comments for some of them.

Yet you argue that you're already a poet and making it "relatable."

Yes some how, someone like me, of little talent, using the skills given me by the books I suggested get multiple pages of comments.

You can choose to learn none of the hard won skills of the profession, of course. But you ASKED me to read and comment, remember. And I've been paid $200 US for the only poem I tried to sell.

So you're wasting your time trying to convince me of how perfect and perceptive you already are.

But...I did the critique because you asked me to, and thought you had had the sense to look at my work, and know I'd hand out unearned praise.

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

“A writer, shy or not, needs a tough skin, for no matter how advanced one’s experience and career, expert criticism cuts to the quick, and one learns to endure and to perfect, if for no other reason than to challenge the pain-maker.”
~ Sol Stein

“It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.”
~Ernest Hemingway

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
~ Mark Twain

[ashley]

Yet you believe that by simply writing down what's bothering you on any given day, you can bypass using all that's been learned in that time, and have the same effect on people that those using the skills of poetry do.
- no i never said that :3

So you're wasting your time trying to convince me of how perfect and perceptive you already are."
- im just saying youre lowkey a hater for no reason

you think by boasting about your ability to market your poetry makes you good. poetry is so subjective. anyone can be a poet, but not everyone can be a good poet. i guess the same goes for people in general; some people just arent good people

[JayG]

• you think by boasting about your ability to market your poetry makes you good. poetry is so subjective. anyone can be a poet,

You're a poet when the people who read your work declare you to be one. Titles are earned, not appropriated.

You came to me and ASKED me to read it. Had I given praise you'd have accepted that without hesitation. But because I took the time to show you how to improve your work, you're personally attacking me.

Next time, include a disclaimer that says, "Praise only."

I've sold my work in long and short-form fiction, poetry, and nonfiction. I've taught writing at workshops, owned a manuscript critiquing service, and have 28 novels and a book of shorts on sale. My posted poetry here, as bad as it is, receives pages worth of praise.

You've cracked the cover of not one book on writing technique but demand to be treated as a "poet" without having earned that title.

Bottom line: You made a wish and it was granted. As always, be careful what you wish for.

[ashley]

i think we are both currently misunderstood. you keep repeating to me that i came to you to read this. this is not my poem hahaha, i also hadn't asked for any feedback on MY poems. i'm sorry if id struck a nerve at all, i didn't intend to bicker on the internet over poetry, especially in a rude manner

[jacob erin-cilberto]

especially if they are red wasps, they can be so mean and attack.

when we are being eaten up by something inside, the stings are worse than any Sylvia Plath's bees could have given her.
Inner pain is like being attacked by the entire hive.
j.