she's still with me

And that is what happened to the woman I love.

She stumbled on the sidewalk,

heading towards her midnight shift at a bar.

I grabbed her calloused left hand,

and my soul was released.

She stared into my eyes, and I knew then

that I loved her.

The shy smile on her features

was enough to set my heart on fire,

and to bring tears to my eyes.

But I kept a straight face.

It turned into nights at parks hanging out on swings,

and stealing liquor from her parent's cabinet

with no intention of returning the bottle.

Smoking together for the first time,

and you choking saying "This is f*****g disgusting"

then turning around and taking a hit off a blunt.

I was jealous of those rolling papers

because they

knew what your lips felt like.

You'd call me at one in the morning,

high off your sister's pills,

and all I could do was lay in bed and listen while suffocating,

on the sadness, no

madness

that came with watching you slowly,

painfully, 

kill yourself.

The smile I saw in my dreams became scarce,

your laugh hollow to me, but unchanged to the rest of the world.

Still, I saw the light in your eyes,

in the silver specks that floated in your ocean eyes.

But, you were determined to snuff it out.

Why?

One evening, before it happened,

you found a way to scale the side of my lonely house,

climbed into my empty bed,

and clung to my body as if you were drowning

and I was dry land.

God, my love,

you tore out your lungs screaming at the universe,

cursing the stars and every molecule inside of you.

I held you close,

not knowing what else to do...

You fell asleep. Quietly, and all at once.

Soon I did too.

In the morning, though

the bed was cold and empty as it had always been.

And you were gone.

So, I lived on.

Not without pain,

not without days spent not leaving my room,

convinced that you would come back,

that one day you would need me to hold you again.

I was up at one every morning, waiting for your stupid call,

and your fucked up idea of an emotional release.

Eventually, the crater in my heart

became easier to bear. 

Losing you,

became easier to bear.

Until one day, while wandering the streets at midnight,

in some unknown part of town

I stumbled on the sidewalk.

You grabbed my scarred left arm,

and your soul was released.

I looked into your eyes, and saw that light shining brighter than ever,

you looked at me with the joy I had wished you felt years ago,

and then a glow encased your body,

heavenly and holy.

Then we were both gone.

Consumed by our love.

Turns out I was wrong all those days 

I thought

that you would meet your demise at the hands of your drugs and booze,

it was at my hand, on the road

in some God-forsaken neighborhood

of this stupid little town.

Together.

Author's Note

it's not about to get any better