Walls

from my grad school portfolio

 

Walls.

As tall as the sky. We build them around ourselves.

They protect us from the outside hurt.

But where are the walls that protect us from the inside hurt?

No one’s there to stop us when we hurt ourselves.

An endless cycle.

Scars on the inside.

I see them clear as day when I close my eyes.

Why does it have to be this way?

Yes, I've heard all good things come to an end. 

I've believed it to be true for a long time.

But, it seems that it can never quite stay long enough.

No regrets, I've said, for this year.

And yet, I’m already building them in up the back of my head.

Chain reactions are so hard to stop.

The domino effect.

I can see it all /////////////!!!!!!!! falling down.

These walls I've built, you've built.

They are so hard to scale.

So treacherous.

I've built them that way.

We’ve built them that way.

Keep people out.

Keep the hurt out.

But the hurt always finds the cracks.

Finds that little Achilles tendon of my wall.

So then why do I keep building them higher and higher?

It's not like it’s going to help.

Close myself in.

Disappear.

I've come to realize that even if I physically disappeared, it would be a lot harder to get rid of me than the loss of my physical form.

It's like when a person dies, there’s still all that person's stuff left around, and the memories and pictures of the person.

Kind of dashes my hopes for a clean exit.

Because no matter how hard I try to disappear someone somewhere will still think of me.

I may or may not know this person, but I will have done something that will not let them forget me.

Or at least I hope that I’m that fortunate.

I’m not sure if that thought is scary or comforting.

Not knowing who it is that thinks of me.  Or WHAT it is that they think of me.

And what if no one thinks of me at all?

Then I could disappear; burn my stuff and have never existed.

The same story as last week.

Stupid cycle to put myself in.

I tried to get out of it, even that didn't help.

How can you want for something so much, and try so hard to protect yourself from the one thing that you supposedly want so badly?

It's like a lemonade stand. But I’m selling little pieces of me, 15 cents a piece.  Bottom of the barrel if you want to buy the whole thing.

But who wants to deal with that.

That’s not useful at all.

Messier then necessary.

No one wants to try that hard.

I don't want to burden them; they don't want to burden me.

Share the burden.

Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?

Share the burden.

Four shoulders stronger than two. Six stronger than four, and so on.

So then why do we all build these walls around ourselves and cut everyone else off?

We shoulder our burdens along with the burdens of the world, while we let no one help us.

We will not be seen as weak.

We cannot need anyone but ourselves.

I cannot be seen that way.

I am not weak.

Because it takes a strong person to admit that I cannot do this on my own.

I’m not saying that someone else should just take it all away.

Just need someone else to help hold me up when the world gets too heavy to hold on my own.

Just want someone that understands.

Someone else who needs me too.

Someone who will just look into my eyes, smile and open their heart and their arms.

We could just crawl inside each other and hide from the world for a little while.

Home.

I've been away for too long.

I feel like I've lost the keys. I can't get back in.

And it's all my doing.

We all sit.

Silently trapped within the walls we've built around us.

How are we ever to get anywhere?

Because if no one can get in, we also cannot get out.

Who wants the sledgehammer first?

Who's willing to knock down those walls we've built around us?

And through the rubble will we recognize each other?

Will we see that we've always been together?

We are I.

Just too scared to look.

Entwine.

Hold yourself, because in the end, it seems, that’s all you'll have is you and the stupid walls you've built around yourself.

We were born alone.

We will die alone.

And if we're lucky for some short time we will have known what it was like to not be so alone.

At least I know this half of me will look back at that and smile.

Drown yourself in the rain. Rayne.

Wash away.

Ashes to ashes.

Blank slate to blank slate.

So then why do we bother so much?

What is that secret to life that pulls us all forward?

How do we go anywhere surrounded by these walls?

Liberation is not just something in the history books.

It happens. Tuesday.

Reviews

[Angel's Lady]

I think you should charge more than 15 cents.

Great write. A lot of emotion all tangled up, like fishing lines...

Not knowing who it is that thinks of me. Or WHAT it is that they think of me. -- I adopted an attitude a few years back that allows me to be so free. IF you don't pay my bills, I don't give a crap what you think. This allows me to dance in the rain, whistle in the supermarket aisles, and sing out loud while I'm walking. I am so much happier!

So, burn down the walls! Be free!

[Mark D. Chevalier]

A truly unique poem Lee. It's filled with complexity and very powerful emotions and it fills me with sadness. But you're right, we all die alone in the end, even when someone is sitting next to us holding our hand. Sad, but the necissary evil of having been alive. To find the joy in life is a precious thing, and something to be treasured. I hope this is not biographical in nature. Because you have a brilliant mind, and the heart of a poet.
Mark

[laceyjane23]

This piece is absolutley beautiful! i really enjoyed reading it, you made me realize that a person is never really gone, even if they are dead they are still here in thought. great job you are a terrific writer!
laceyjane

[Staci Brown]

a great thought-provoking piece that takes us thru yours as well as our own personal encounters with self preservation and self induced over-protection. limits we find have been placed and set in cement, or so it seems at times, bi ourselves.

this piece is about so much more as well... truly one of the best i've read ever! going in my favs girl!

Faerie Blessings!

--faerie whisper (breaking the silence...)

[Janice Ann]

Humm...unique with a sadness that I can't put my finger on...or maybe it is a sadness that is just a little too raw for me to recognize...I truly like the concept and the way it was laid out...I think you did a fantastic job describing the lives we lead behind our forever growing walls!

Janice Ann