My Smile of Defeat

This was written in response to "A Smile to Remember" by Charles Bukowski for the 2013 'Get Lit' Poetry Slam.

I walk alone

Sound waves dancing in my ears

The corners of my lips stretching

Wide and bright red

Happily breathing

Happily living

Or so you might think

But this smile

Is not the smile

Of a young woman

With every reason

To smile

Proud parents

A promising future

Walking down the road straight

To her dreams

No.

This smile

The one on my face right now

Is the smile

Of defeat

The smile I hold

The one I wear

Because their eyes

So full of disappointment

And their hearts?.

Well they’re full of hurt and pain

All caused by

The actions that

Contradict

The lies I speak

With no hesitation

But it fills me with frustration

I can’t stand the look in their eyes

But I just can’t stop the lies

I can’t fulfill their expectations

Or even my own

I know I’m just young

But this just isn’t fun

And where does my heart lay?.

My own heart

It burns and yearns for her love

A love I just can’t touch

Meant to be?.

Hopefully

I dream and dream

That one day she will come

To the warmth of my arms

And call it home

But reality pulls the string

At the seams

To my wildest of dreams

Unveiling the real world

Shoving me off cloud nine

Showing no mercy

Tainting my heart

With your poison

But I crawl back

To her every time

My heart

Overflowing with affliction

So next time

You see someone wearing a bright smile

Ask yourself

Is it one of true happiness

| Broken Molecules |

Reviews

[Firemay]

This was very true and touching. i like and can relate to the last two lines. often we smile because we don't want to hurt the ones surrounding us or we don't want that kind of attention, but deep inside, we feel lost and not understood.
Well done!

[Broken Molecules]

Thank you so much. I don't know if you saw the tiny caption, but this was a response to the classic "A Smile to Remember" by Charles Bukowski. If you haven't read it, I love it. Its a very sad poem. But i bring it up because how you dissected my poem, which isn't wrong, is how I dissected his. We all have had a time where we smiled even though we had no reason to, or was dealing with so much.

[Firemay]

I haven't heard of it, but you got me curious, i'll have a look.

[Sapientiam]

This was very beautiful. I especially love the last two lines because I can relate to that. I'm not sure of this is about you, but there's no need to live up to anyone's expectations if they will only find disappointment regardless. You know, I heard that the people who smile the most are hiding the most pain, but w h suffer when there are people around who want to help? Those were my thoughts when reading this and it was woven so nicely. Great job...!

[Broken Molecules]

Thanks a lot!. 😀 The last two lines were actually place somewhere in the middle or beginning originally but i felt like they held more meaning at the end.
This is about me, but also this was written in 2013. I was in high school with a fear of failure, depression, and which lead me to become a pathological liar with my parents. But now, I'm just trying to do me. You know?.
The quote you"re talking about is "The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." and its absolutely right. We know how much it f*****g hurts and hard f*****g are it is to deal with it.

[Sapientiam]

Thanks for the explanation! To be honest, I don't have depression; I never had. I've gone through many family tragedies, but I don't know what it's like to feel insufferable sorrow. So, to say that I completely understand this, 100%, would be a lie... But, I do understand the emotions that you're trying to convey and they are so meaningful. I'm a pretty lonely person and everyone thinks I'm just the sweetest, so I believe you're right when you say that the loneliest people are the kindest! Again, wonderful job!

[Broken Molecules]

Yeah, the loneliest do smile the brightest like meet me in person and you would have no idea that i have 5 million mental issues. But I am probably one of the loneliest. cause like right now my 2 friends/roommates just made to get drunk and hang out, right in front of me. They didn't include me. or even asked me anything.

[Sapientiam]

That's alright. You don't need to get drunk anyways :). If I were you, I would prosper in the solitude. You're too good for them (oh boy, I hope that doesn't sound weird, since I don't know you O_O...). You're not alone; there are plenty of people out there who have similar problems. I'm a bit useless in helping, but try to remember that what you are feeling is not eternal, even if it seems like it. Look beyond your present state, towards the future. Don't focus on the fact that you were not invited because they don't know what they are missing out on. You are you. Don't let anyone break you!

[Broken Molecules]

I know I'm not the only one. I just really haven't been okay at all for while and have they really noticed. Its not even them drinking, it's just like their saying that that they don't want to hang out with me. Which I mean I guess I don't blame them. I've mostly been on my phone. And I don't know. I want one of them to just stop me from doing whatever I'm doing and say Hey I know you haven't been okay. I definitely think you should talk about it with us." Just something. and it makes me f*****g sad that instead of them doing just that I feel distant. I know I put myself there because I have trust and abandonment issues. Just I guess I got my hopes up when they said I can never push them away...

[Sapientiam]

Ah, I have trust issues too, so I don't know how to help you... But, I really do hope that everything goes well in your life. I will be praying for you. It was nice getting insight in your life...!