Numbness Indifference

I sit here silent, the ache of my heart escaping from my eyes.

He’s left me alone, again.

I shouldn’t even say alone because we are still in the same house.

A better phrase would be shut out.

He’s escaped into his perfect paradise of solitude that we once called our bedroom.

It’s his throne now, one I’m only allowed to enter if I worship at his feet as if he’s my king.

I want to beg, beg for even just a sliver of affection or compassion, but I’ve been down this road enough times to know that it will only make his reaction to me worse.

So I sit here. Silent. Tortured by my own thoughts.

Whatever kind of punishment he will inflict on me later could never compare to the beating my own body bestows upon my heart in these moments.

It’s a rainbow of emotions I feel but the colors are all different shades of gray.

First, there’s the sadness. The overspilling of tears that make me feel like I’m in the middle of the stormiest ocean, gasping for air as the waves surround me, choking my very last breath. Second, there’s the anger. Anger at him because he shut me out again.

Rage burning like coal because he won’t just love me.

Then anger at myself because why did I have to upset him?

Why can’t I just be good enough? Why do I always mess things up?

Then there’s the shame, the regret, the helplessness.

A thousand sorrowful emotions boiling over until there’s nothing left to feel but nothing. Numbness indifference is my euphoric dreamstate.

This is where I want to stay now.