Too Deep Too Get Out

    "Bridgett!" Ashlynn excitedely screamed as she ran over to me. "I've missed you." Today was my first day as a junior. I have been waiting for this day all summer long. Reading Seventeen magazines, getting all new clothes, and getting my haircut has really paid off. I feel like a new person and myself confidence is definitely high.
   "Ashlynn!" I screamed back while hugging her. "Wow you look great." Her long, silky, brunette hair got caught up in the wind. Her light brown almond shaped eyes brightened up her tan face. She looked about an inch taller. Her 5'8 inches beat my 5'6 inches. The blue American Eagle dress she wore shaped her slender body, so she pretty much looked like a model.
   "Thanks so do you." She smiled. "I love what you've done with your hair." She concentrated on my long, silky, brunette strands. I could see her examining my side bangs that swept over my grayish blue-green eyes.
   "Thanks I finally have a nice haircut." I laughed. Ashlynn and I greeted our other friends we haven't seen during the summer. They were mostly all guys. We can't seem to get along with the other girls in the school. They were all too catty and acted like they were better...well most of them. The anxiety started to build inside me as I walked up to the school's entrance. I put my hand on the door and took a deep breath. Everything this year was going to be different. Everything was going to change. I wanted this year to be one of the best and I was going to make that happen. I opened the door with confidence and I strode through the doors. I felt a million eyes gazing on me. My slender body stood tall and proud. The layered Hollister shirt and the ripped jeans I wore seemed to make a good impression. I smiled my perfectly straight smile. The sun that just peaked throughout the courtyard made my white skin glisten. I felt unstoppable.
   "Bridgett." Ashlynn whispered, "Vance Brennan is staring right at you." Vance Brennan and I were friends last year, but we haven't talked all summer. Last year I liked him a lot. I would always flirt with him and talk to him, but he would never return the flirting until the last week of school and that was about it. So here I was just standing there watching Vance examine my body with his beautiful carmel eyes. He pushed back is longish dark brown skater hair away from his perfect face. The cute little smile he sent me, left me breathless. All those feelings I had for him last school year came rushing back to me. Getting rid of those thoughts of him was pretty much pointless, but I didn't care at the moment. All I wanted was him.
   "Great." I said sarcastically.
   "What?" Ashlynn stood there confused.
   "I spent all summer getting rid of the feelings I had towards him and in a blink of an eye they come rushing back." I was frustrated now.
   "Well this is a new year maybe things will be different and he will return those feelings." Ashlynn sounded postive.
   "Maybe." I said smiling. I had a feeling he was going to return those feelings.

The bell rang to go to our first period. Ashlynn and I both had the same class, American History with Mrs. Johnson. I came in and set my books down at the table right by the door. I watched as all my classmates poured into the classroom and took their seats. The bell rang and Mrs. Johnson took attendance. When she called my name I didn't respond only because I wasn't paying attention. My mind was focused on Vance. I wanted him and I wanted him bad. "Is Bridgett here?"
   "Oh sorry, I'm here." I said while breaking my thoughts. I could tell Ashlynn knew what I was thinking about. She knew the face I made whenever I thought about Vance. It was the kind of face that little kids make when they get frustrated and confused. We spent the whole class period talking about the rules and procedures of the classroom. But I spent the whole period drifting into thought. "BBBIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!" Everyone grabbed their books and headed off to their next class. Ashlynn told me she will see me at lunch and she went to her next class. I took my books and I strolled out the door. I thought I heard someone call my name and I turned around, but they were calling another Bridgett. As I turned around again I ran into someone and both of our books went tumbling to the ground. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I said while bending down to pick up my books.
   "It's ok Bridgett." I heard someone laugh. I managed to look up and discover that it was Vance Brennan. "Wow you look amazing." He smiled at me with his brilliant smile.
   "Thanks." I smiled looking down blushing. I got up with all my books and so did he. "Well I guess I'm gonna go to class now." I started to turn around and when I did he touched my shoulder and turned me back around.
   "Wait, can I have your number?" He asked with total confidence.
   "Um...ya of course." I took out a piece of paper and wrote down my number and handed it to him.
   "Thanks...you'll definitely be getting a text from me later."
   "Ok cool." We both smiled at each other and I turned around and walked to my next class. I coudn't believe what had just happened. Vance actually showed interest in me and he seemed to like me. I was so excited and yet so impatient. I wanted to know why he changed his mind all of a sudden. Ugh more thoughts took over my head and they kept coming and coming. The rest of the day went by in a blur. My mind was only set on one thing...Vance.

I finally got home. I walked into my house and chucked my stuff on my bed and changed into something more comfortable. "Beep" My phone was going off. I grabbed it and read the text.
   'hey its vance'
My heart went wild when I read it. A smile spread across my cheeks and I couldn't contain my excitement. I responded with my fingers moving a mile a minute.
   'o hey whats up?'
I was trying to play it cool. I didn't want him to think I was a loser.
"Beep"
   'nothing rly, just thinking about how beautiful you looked today'
After reading that text, my breathing started quickening and my heart was beating faster and faster.
   'awww thanks :)'
"Beep"
   'No problem ;)'
The conversation went on for a good hour and a half. We were talking about what we did over the summer then that led to his skateboarding competition which led to a time where I attemped to skateboard which led to another thing. It was going great until I got another text from him.
   'can u send me pics???'
I was shocked. I mean he has asked me for pics before and I sent him a pic of myself in a bra, but that was it.
   'um....idk'
"Beep"
   'please...for me? :):):)'
I couldn't resist him. I felt my face heating up and my heart pounding trying to found a way out of my chest. I felt like I shouldn't do it, but a part of me wanted to.
   'hmm......maybe ;)'
"Beep"
   'So....yes?'
   'Yes :)'
"Beep"
   'Suhhweeeettt!'
I got up out of my bed and walked up to the mirror. My hair was perfectly straight and I never realized how long it was. The natural red highlights glistened in the sunlight that seemed to find a way into my purple room. It then found a passageway into my eyes. The blue rims around my eyes seemed to have darkened. The green that colored them seemed to lighten up and the yellow that splashed around my pupils looked more golden. My low cut navy blue laced cami showed off my slender figure. The tight short shorts I wore made my legs look long and lean. I sighed. What would happen to me if I sent the pictures? Would he just ignore me after because he got what he wanted? Would he show anyone? Could I trust him? So many questions zipped through my mind.
"Beep"
   'are u there???'
   'ya im here'
"Beep"
   'soooo r u gonna send it?'
   'yes'
"Beep"
   'k cool ;)'
I slowly started to take off my cami. As I did so I thought to myself maybe he will like me even more. So I got my phone and my bra dropped to my blue carpet. All you could hear was the sound of the camera taking pics. I put my finger on the send button and hesitated. Should I do this? Is it worth it? I couldn't help, but wonder these questions. But it's something I wanted to do. "Your message has been sent."
   "Crap, what did I just do?!" I yelled in a whisper. Oh my god! What is he gonna think of me?! I feel like such a s**t right now! Ugh!
"Beep"
   'woah! you look so amazing. wow wow wow wow. ;)'
The next thing I know a smile traveled across my flushed face. Maybe it was worth it.
   'thanks :)'
"Beep"
   'no problem...well i g2g now but you will definitely get a text from me l8tr ;)'

   'ok cool, peace'
I can't believe what just happened. I just felt so wrong for what I just done, but at the same time I felt so right. I was really starting to like him though.

The next day of school went great. During lunch Vance came up to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes. I felt very nervous, but at the same time very excited. So after school I am going to meet him up at Deltona Park. Once I got home I dashed into my room and swung open my closet doors and tried on pretty much everything in it. Then I came across this really cute shirt. The tight navy blue cami hugged my body. My midriff peaked out of my shirt and it gave me a nice lift in the chest area. My butt looked nice and round in my ripped short shorts. I know I looked a little s****y, but I just wanted Vance to like me. I slipped on my black flip flops and brushed my long strands and headed out the door.

I had to walk to the park since I don't have a car. I have my license, and I almost have enough money for a car. I have saved up for my sweet sixteen and hopefully by my seventeenth birthday I will have enough money. As I was walking down the side walk a few guys honked at me and hooted at me. It was quite disturbing. I walked a good 2 miles and I finally got there. The park was very empty. No one and I mean no one was there. The swings gently rocked back and forth from the slight breeze that hit it. The soccer fields looked like they had been freshly cut. Flower beds surrounded the building with the bathrooms. It was a really nice park and I wondered why no one was here today, usually it was packed. After examining the park, I glanced over to where the football field was and I saw dark brown hair blowing in the breeze, and an amazing smile strecth across someones face. It was Vance. The next thing I know my breathing was quickening along with my heart beating with such incredible speed. I felt heat crawling across my face and my knees were shaking. I never got this way around a guy before. He made me feel nervous, but in a good way. No one has ever done that.
   "Hey Bridgett." Vance called out to me from across the football field. He was walking towards me with a beautiful smile across his face. "Come with me." He said in a mysterious tone that made me want to melt.
   "Um...where are we going?" I was very anxious to know.
   "It's a surprise." He whispered in my ear. Then he gently took my hand in his and he led me on the deserted trail that took us behind the bathrooms. He kept glancing at me with a seductive smile. "We are here." We were behind the bathrooms. I didn't understand.
   "We are behind the bathrooms." I said a little disappointed.
   "I know." Then at that moment he leaned in and kissed me. It all happened so fast. I couldn't even begin to tell you the thoughts that raced throughout my mind. The next thing I know his tongue started slipping between my lips. I kind of wanted to stop, but at the same time I wanted to keep going. I felt a little uncomfortable of what was going on. We were just making out, it's not like anything else was happening until he pulled down the straps of my tank top. I stopped him.
   "What are you doing?" I laughed uncomfortably.
   "It's ok, just do it." He quickly said and started kissing me forcefully. And again he started to pull down my tank top, but this time I let him. I didn't want him to think I was uncool. I never ever cared what a guy thought about me, but with him I cared. I was more careful around him. The wind started to blow and my bra dropped right to the ground. I was really starting to feel awkward. He grabbed my chest for a little bit and grabbed my hand and started to pull my hand down in his pants.
   "Uhh..." I said interuppting the moment. I really wanted to stop now.
   "Just do it." The words rushed out of his mouth and he grabbed my hand again and started to put it in his pants. I pulled my hand away.
   "I kinda don't want to." I barely finished my sentence because he grabbed my face and put his lips onto mine. This time he put his hands in my pants and I let him. I wanted to stop so bad because I liked him so much, but not just physically. I needed him emotionally too, but I don't know if he wanted what I wanted. This went on for about 5 more minutes and he stopped.
   "Well I got to go home." He gave me a hug and started leaving. "I'll see you tomorrow."
   "Um...ok." I couldn't believe it! What had just happened?! I was beyond confused. Here is this guy I thought was amazing and sweet and he just made me look at him differently. I don't know why I didn't stop him if I felt uncomfortable. A big part of me wanted too, but this voice inside me was telling me not to. He just made me more emotionally attached to him because of what he had just done. I don't know why, but I liked him even more.

   The next day was awkward. I saw Vance and I slowly trailed up to him and he looked at me and walked away. I couldn't process what had just happened. Why would he just ignore me like that? Was it something I had done? After school I texted him and he never texted me back. What the hell was going on? A few days passed by and he kept ignoring me and never returned my texts. I was getting fed up with this, it made me feel horrible.

   I never told Ashlynn what happened because I didn't want her to think of me differently. I know she is my best friend and I tell her everything, but I just couldn't find it in me to tell her. Days kept drifting by like a breeze and as they did so I felt worse and worse. My heart was slowly starting to fall apart. I finally realized what was happening. All he did was use me for that one day and that's all he wanted. He never cared about me all he cared about was my body. I was crushed. I liked him so much and I felt like we had a connection, but he obviously didn't feel it. I had to deal with him at school everyday and that made it ten times worse for me. I wanted to know what his problem was. So when I saw him walking by himself to his class I marched right up to him. "Why the hell are you ignoring me?" I demanded.
   "Um...because I didn't want to talk to you?" He made it in question form.
   "Why? What did I do to you?" Adrenaline took over my body at that point.
   "I just didn't have fun hooking up with you. You didn't really do anything." That's when I got pissed.
   "Are you f*****g kidding me?!" I practically yelled. "First of all you completely caught me by surprise and I barely knew what was happening and secondly I felt totally uncomfortable."
   "Well...I'm sorry, but that's not my fault." He didn't really care about my feelings at all.
   "Wow Vance, I'm sorry for ever liking you." That's all I could manage to say. At that point I walked away. Tears started welling up in my blood shot eyes. My lip was quivering and my cheeks heated up. I felt a stream of water flow down my hot cheeks. The pain inside of me was like venom from a snake bite just spreading throughout my weak body. I didn't even want to live at this point. I felt worthless and my self esteem was at an extreme low. What did I do to deserve this? I couldn't bear the pain inside me any longer. I was just glad that it was the last class of the day.

I slammed my bedroom door and ran to my comfy bed and weeped for hours. Eventually I fell asleep. Days passed by then weeks and I fell into a depression. No guy has ever made me feel the way Vance did. The butterflies I got from seeing him was undescribable for words. The way my heart pounded through my chest was something that rarely happened to me when I looked at a guy. Being breathless around him made me excited. Don't know why, but it did. But now all of that has disappeared and made me sad and weak. Ashlynn began to notice what has been happening to me. "Are you ok?" Ashlynn had a worried look on her face. "You've been very different, you seem...depressed."
   "Y-ya I'm fine." The words barely escaped my mouth because I wasn't fine. I was far from fine. I was in the state where I didn't want to exist. My heart has never shattered like it had.
   "No you are not. Please tell me what is going on." She demanded.
   "I'm afraid you'll judge me."
   "WHAT?! Bridgett you are my best friend, I definitely won't judge you." She was grabbing my shoulders and looking me dead in the eyes.
   "Fine." I told her the whole story and how I was feeling right now. She listened attentively and made an occasional shocked face. After I told her she told me that I need to move on and find a guy that would treat me right and that wouldn't think twice about using me. It was good advice, but it was going to be hard.

I had to walk home in the rain that day. Thunder was rumbling and booming. Lightning was striking, but I didn't seem to care. Vance would not leave my thoughts. It has been about 3 weeks since I have talked to him and I couldn't get over him. Water came streaming down my cheek, but it wasn't the rain it was my tears. Suddenly I realized that I am being ridiculous. Why am I crying over a guy who doesn't even care about me? He really wasn't worth crying over. My self confidence slowly started rising. I knew I could do better than him, he treated me like crap and he used me. He didn't deserve me. I deserved better than him. I don't need a guy that makes me feel this way, I needed a guy that makes me feel like the happiest person in the world not the saddest. From then on whenever I saw him at school I looked away and ignored him. I started to open myself up to new guys and felt better about myself. Slowly the depression started to fade and the happiness peaked through the dark. I finally moved on.