Damn Regret pt. 1

 

  

 

 

      In the ambulance, I entertained myself by not breathing and watching the pointy lines change their course.  This was how I passed two and a half hours by.  Did I mention I was strapped down to a stretcher?  It was extremely uncomfortable.  The two men riding in the back with me talked to me.  It was very obnoxious.  I wanted so badly to sleep, but I could not.  I disgusted myself.  I still do disgust myself.  I am a disgusting person, a revolting character, an appalling soul that is cruel and hurts and stabs people.

      I arrived.  I was strip-searched; metal detectors ran through all of my belongings.  I was assigned a room.  There was a system of cubbies and a desk.  There were no drawers.  There was a bed with a wooden base and a plastic mattress and a plastic pillow.  This was all there was.  The walls were white and cinderblock: your quintessential asylum.  The floors were white tiles, not porcelain tiles, but the strange material ones.  The cheap ones.

      The people were ugly.  They were disgusting.  They smelled.  They called me pretty.  This scared me.  This is usually taken as a compliment; here, it’s a threat.  There was a boy from Spain.  His name was David and he was very greasy.  There were more boys.  The one I remember the most is David.  And Danny, the retarded kid who smeared s**t all over his walls.

 

 

Chain-Link Fence

 

I gaze out the common window, for the window in my cubicle is forever blinded.

A chain-link fence.

Barbed wire.

How hard would it be?

 

My impetuous thinking gets the better of me as I scrutinize the chain-link fence.

I imagine my surreptitious escape.

Then I remember the chain-link fence.

 

The abasement of my situation causes my lachrymosement and I am forced to snap to reality.

My exasperating inevitability

Of the chain-link fence.

 

Rancorous to the world, I carefully depict the intangible creatures stuck inside not only my head

They are trapped with me on the inside

Of the chain-link fence.

 

Stuck in the white cinderblock rooms smeared with blood

A desolate prison, unto which I am trapped, bound and gagged.

Not only my mind, but the brick building traps me

The brick building that is guarded by the notorious anathema,

The chain-link fence.